Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Straight women who are sexually attracted to women... but only at a distance

56 replies

HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:25

Hi,

By "at a distance", I mean a woman who is turned on by lesbian porn for example, but has no intention of physically acting on their desires, so identifies as straight.

This was inspired by a conversation with my straight friend earlier on....

Friend was over for coffee and loose women was on in the background (in the BACKGROUND! Please, no judging) and a video of Heidi Klum scantily clad, dancing provocatively came on. Now, I'm bisexual and married to a woman and whereas I have never looked at Heidi Klum and thought anything really, it did catch my attention and so I commented to friend who was mid sentence "sorry, I got a bit distracted there Grin" and said I thought she looked hot. Friend said "bloody hell, yeah" and then started fanning herself and said something along the lines of she's feeling a bit frisky now. Thing is, I wasn't actually surprised. I've often heard things like this from apparently 'straight' women.

Now I'm not saying all these women are in denial. I am genuinely just curious, as actually this used to be me!

I would have fantasies and "girl crushes" ( I now hate that expression, as what does it mean really? A crush is a crush isn't it?) but I was 100% sure I didn't want a relationship with one and saw myself as straight, but someone who had sexual fantasies about women....occasionally, but definitely nothing more. Then I had sex with one and that was that Grin

Obviously this was just my experience and I'm honestly not judging or suggesting that if you enjoy a bit of lesbian porn you must be bisexual or gay, it just genuinely got me thinking.

Interested to hear your thoughts...

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 22/10/2020 14:27

Internalised sexism. Women = sex objects. hth.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:29

Can you expand @ThePlantsitter?

OP posts:
WitchWife · 22/10/2020 14:34

I think a lot of this is probably “potential” bisexuality? Like I have strong emotional connections/ sometimes “girl crush” with women, but the one time I got physically close to one I wasn’t at all into it. Now that could mean that I’m straight through and through or that if I met “the right” woman it might be different. In the absence of that experience it’s hard to know isn’t it.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:34

I'm not sure I like that analogy tbh. Am I only sexually attracted to women because of internalised sexism?

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 22/10/2020 14:38

Would the label heteroflexible fit for you?

Rollingdragon · 22/10/2020 14:40

I've always thought it is not as simple as people being straight or gay or bisexual. I think it is more of a spectrum. Most people are nearer one end, or the other, but it is not set in stone and can change as you go through life. I am straight and happily married to a man but I would not 100% rule out a relationship with a woman if anything ever happened to him.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:41

@WitchWife, that's interesting. I suppose if I hadn't had that amazing connection with a woman the first time I had sex with one, maybe I would have assumed it just wasn't for me generally, rather than just not being compatible with that particular woman.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 22/10/2020 14:42

No, that's not what I'm suggesting. I'm just saying that straight women are not immune to the social conditioning that images of women's bodies as sex objects create. So if there's a stereotypically 'sexy' image of a woman somewhere a woman may react to that. It's not about who you want to have sex with or don't.

I was a little curt because tbh I felt you were trying to draw people into talking about their sexual fantasies. But if I was wrong I apologise.

SarahAndQuack · 22/10/2020 14:45

IIRC, when they've studied people's sexual responses to porn, the conclusion is that people are turned on by sex rather than the gender of the participants.

People always seem to assume that we're turned on by imagining being the person 'doing' sex 'to' a sexy woman; I find that quite weird. You could equally feel sexy by imagining yourself as a sexy woman, right? By identifying with her rather than by wanting sex with her?

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:47

@ThePlantsitter, No!!! Blush Definitely wasn't what I was trying to do. The "interested to hear your thoughts...." bit at the end of my OP could look as though I was though 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:50

@unmarkedbythat, I have never heard of that. I'm off to Google.

OP posts:
Jolonglegs · 22/10/2020 14:59

Rollingdragon
I've always thought it is not as simple as people being straight or gay or bisexual. I think it is more of a spectrum. Most people are nearer one end, or the other, but it is not set in stone and can change as you go through life.
Absolutely right. I think I must be towards the female end of the centre having had a relationhship with a woman when younger. Now happily living with a man, I can well understand women who have crushes on other women even though living with a man. Lets accept and celebrate our differences.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 15:15

Lets accept and celebrate our differences

Of course, absolutely!

I do understand the idea that it's about the act itself, rather than the gender/s, but I do wonder how many straight men would get turned on by seeing another man dancing provocatively.

OP posts:
IKEA888 · 22/10/2020 15:28

I agree that my belief is sexuality is a spectrum.
I've def been attracted to women but I'm in love with my husband .

Regularsizedrudy · 22/10/2020 15:41

Women are so used to being under the male gaze they are able to apply it to other women. 🤷‍♀️ Also straight women expressing attraction to other women is a lot more socially acceptable than men doing the same (in the west anyway). I think straight men probably have the same thing but don’t voice it.

Lollyneenah · 22/10/2020 15:47

I know what you mean OP, I've had maybe 3 crushes on women - one from work, a friend and a university pal. If the circumstances had been right/presented themselves then yes I definitely would have gone for it. I also definitely think I'm straight Confused. I just found them very very attractive.

AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 15:49

I do understand the idea that it's about the act itself, rather than the gender/s, but I do wonder how many straight men would get turned on by seeing another man dancing provocatively.

Personally I don't know of any straight women who would be turned on by it either. I can accept that sexuality is a spectrum but there seems to be this narrative being pushed on MN and sometimes elsewhere that all straight women are secretly attracted to women. It's certainly not true of all of us. I've never been attracted to a woman in my life. I've never had a girl crush and a woman dancing provocatively does absolutely nothing for me.

RoseTintedAtuin · 22/10/2020 15:55

I think there is a huge difference between seeing the beauty in women and sexual attraction though. I saw the most beautiful woman on holiday who had the most striking features. She was a black woman and very tall and elegant and just completely different to anyone I’d seen in real life. I was staring to the point my husband pointed it out. I wasn’t attracted to her sexually but was in awe of her beauty certainly.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 16:07

Regularsizedrudy, do you think? I know what you mean about social acceptance (sadly) but I have always thought that a womans sexuality is more fluid than a mans. Maybe I'm wrong.

@Lollyneenah, can I ask why you definitely believe you're straight if you've found women so attractive? That's not meant to sound sarcastic. Genuine question.

@AllPlayedOut, or perhaps it's more about MN being an anonymous, free space to be more open and honest than you would in rl? Nobody is saying that secretly all women are bisexual.

OP posts:
Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 16:08

@Regularsizedrudy

OP posts:
MamaMoonbeam · 22/10/2020 16:10

I find man on man more arousing. I am bi and find a woman's body nicer to look at.
Head over heels for my Male DP though!

twobrews · 22/10/2020 16:13

Honestly I've been happily married to a man for over twenty years but I fancy loads of women, the thought of sex with a woman really turns me on.
However my experience is that just like so many other fantasies the reality doesn't match up to the fantasy.
I've, to put it mildly, given it a good go but it's not enough for me. It's all in my head.

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 16:15

@RoseTintedAtuin, of course and that's very different, as you say.

There are plenty of women who I have looked at and thought "wow" but am not attracted to in the slightest. It's actually quite rare for me to be physically attracted to a woman, thinking about it.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 22/10/2020 16:15

My SIL is married to a woman. She is straight. It baffles people regularly!

I think in general terms, people are turned on by sex or perceived sexiness for want of a better word. Men are socialised/conditioned not to admit this but women are more comfortable with it. It's not specifically indicative of sexuality.

If I read anything remotely erotic, it's always two men. I'm a straight woman.

AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 16:16

I have always thought that a womans sexuality is more fluid than a mans. Maybe I'm wrong.

This seems to suggest that you do think that, and I've seen other similar comments. It isn't nearly so harmful as lesbians being told that they are ir should be attracted to men, but the implication is still incredibly annoying.