I’m married, 2 children aged 1 and 3. Both of us work from home at the moment, him full time, me 4 days (recently upped from 2-3). We split childcare, chores etc as equally as we can, both spending approximately the same amount of time a week on chores, sharing cooking, cleaning etc. I spend slightly more time with the children because I’m PT, but he’s done that too in the past and feels that looking after both when so young is v full on, so doesn’t expect me to do any more chores etc because I’m PT. We both have similar amounts of free time. I tend to have more disturbed nights because of breastfeeding, but then he gets up with them in the morning, does the childcare run etc, so I can have an extra couple of hours in bed. All great, and we are very happy.
But, the mental load still falls on me predominantly. He knows this, its something he acknowledges, and doesn't feel is fair. The problem is, the ‘stuff’ is in my head and not his. I appreciate its difficult to remember to do something if you haven’t thought of it – and that is the crux of it really.
I remember that its x’s birthday, or that our child is due their vaccinations, or that we need to send y a thank you card. But its just not on his radar. I don’t do it for him, but I remind him, set reminders on Alexa etc, but he still forgets, and then reminding him is just yet another thing on my to do list.
We do an online shop between us (he is responsible for meal planning and adds ingredients, I do lunches, snacks, miscellaneous). But I book it, and have to remind him of when the deadline is. He's never remembered himself...
I'd like to not have to remind him, for once, to pay the childminder, because he's forgotten again, and she's messaged me.
An example - he needs to send a thank you card to an elderly aunt – and I’ve been reminding him about it for 6 weeks. It took about 2 weeks of reminding him before he bought it, a similar amount of time before writing it, and no it hasn’t been sent yet, despite further nagging. But if he doesn’t, its me that gets it in the neck because it seems society expects me to do it.
He knows that he should remember, but between work, children, life etc, he doesn’t seem to be able to. Which means I have to have it in my head.
So what’s the solution? And one that doesn’t actually give me more work?
How do I get him to anticipate in advance what might be needed in life without prompting? To take the initiative that our eldest is growing out of her trousers, and to shop for some more (as opposed to me telling him about this), or for him to check out when school open days are and arrange visits, for example.
I guess the two points are that when reminded about something, he procrastinates, which mean I have to remind him multiple times, and secondly, that I’d like him to take more initiative in taking the lead, not needing reminding etc.
In some ways I feel wrong moaning because I feel that our relationship is a lot more equal than most people's that I know, and it is a genuine forgetfulness/not thinking about things, rather than thinking its not his job. But its driving me nuts, and leads to me being a lot more stressed than him.