Starting a full time job & leaving DC 11 & 14 home alone after school

[lechatnoir]

I'm about to start a full time job with pretty long hours and even with a bit of juggling shifts with DH, there 3 days the DC will be coming home from school and on their own until 6:45 at the earliest. I'm keen for them to take responsibility for the evening meal on at least one of those days.

Those with kids that fend for themselves after school, how do they find it? am I being realistic/fair to ask this of them and any meal ideas very welcome. (and will I ever stop worrying they are going to sever a limb or burn the house down in my absence ). Do they actually do their homework without the usual nagging? I'm hoping this is a good opportunity for me to cut the apron strings a bit as I do pretty much everything for them (or spend a lot of time nagging them to do stuff!) and my eldest is frankly quite lazy and ungrateful but worry that 11 is still very young to be left to your own devices so much. Can you tell I'm slightly panicking about it

Can you test run this idea a few times while you are in the bath or the living room or wherever so they can show you how they can manage teamwork and not killing each other? Or poisoning themselves.

I’d suggest no job cooking due to increased risk of fire.

I’d also want a spy cam pointed at the cooker so you can check it’s off after they leave the room and they are both ok! That will give you peace of mind.

No hob cooking not job cooking.

But I would not feel comfortable doing it until 6.45, to include preparation of dinner, 3 times a week.

No judgment against those that do.But I would not. And I would speak with my employer to adjust if possible ie in hour earlier so that home by 5.45pm so finish shift earlier.

Yeah, okay. Because everyone is in jobs where they can just leave an hour earlier every day!

In my last job, you worked until 6pm. There was no option to finish earlier. Your shift was eight hours (10am-6pm). You couldn't start earlier because the shop wasn't open earlier. If you'd said you needed to finish at 5pm three days a week, you'd kindly be told "if you can't do the hours, find a new job".

I was left home alone from the age of 8 with my 12 year old sister in the mid 2000's. It was fine, we got on better without my Mam there. We used to cook pasta with stir in sauces, beans on toast, jackets or pizza etc. We did homework and watched kids tv, sometimes had a bath. We didn't have a choice, Mam was a single parent and a paramedic on 12 hour shifts. We even had an utter catastrophe where I stupidly bounced on my bed, bounced off and split my head open on the radiator. My sister held a towel to my head, rang my Mam who somehow managed to put it through as a job with ambulance service, came on blue lights (which was mortifying), and we got some stitches and I was fine. I didn't bounce on the bed again! We had the usual slight cuts or burns if cooking as I still do now, we knew where the plasters were and to run a burn under cold water.

My sister and I used to be home alone for 2-3 hours after school when we were younger than this. We survived. I would recommend getting a fire blanket for the kitchen, and a key safe because the thing that happened most often is that we would forget our key and be locked out. Other than that, no dramas.

Given that there is very little childcare for secondary age children, and no funding for it (eg under UC rules) then I imagine many many children and families are in the same situation. As pp’s have said, some ground rules about not having friends over when you’re not there, or only certain friends, or whatever you’re comfortable with; checking in with you when they get in (if you can access your phone at work) might put your mind at ease. Cooking wise I agree some lessons for your older dc and starting simple (frozen pizza etc) is definitely the way to go.
And congrats on the new job!

I'm a nanny to 11, 13 and 15 year old and both parents now at home due to Covid but I am still working although I am definitely a spare part for a bit of the time! ... Some of the things I've witnessed them doing I think if I wasn't here what would of happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ tbh the middle one of extremely sensible I'd trust her absolutely but the youngest really doesn't have a clue and the eldest is lazy and doesn't think sometimes!

Right, but surely the reason they don't have a clue and are lazy is because they're never given a minute of freedom? I mean, no disrespect to you as you're just doing your job, but is there any wonder they have no independence or common sense?

I was home alone everyday during the summer and after school from year seven, the same went for all my friends. I often went bowling or to the cinema, or a to a friend's house. After school I'd just do homework, make a snack and watch TV or play Sims.

It was built up slowly from around age 8-9, which meant by the time I was 11yo I knew how to look after myself.

I’ve be seriously concerned if an 11 and 14 year old couldn’t look after themselves for a couple of hours and cook an evening meal.

We had the usual slight cuts or burns if cooking as I still do now

This seems such a good point to me. You so often see people who absolutely will not allow their teens to use ordinary kitchen implements for fear they will hurt themselves. Are these people domestic goddesses who never ever happen to brush their own hands against the oven when taking a tray out or cut their fingers while slicing things?

Or does it matter more if a 13yo cuts their finger or has to run their hand under the tap than if a 50yo does? (I mean, we're not talking vulnerable babies with tender skin here, are we?)

Aren't 13/14yos supposed to be out there testing their capacities at sports and adventures, collecting bruises and cuts as they go? Why is a slight injury contracted in the kitchen so much worse than an injury contracted on the football field?

My sister and I were left to look after ourselves after school from when she was 10 and I was 14. She got home first and let herself in. In those days it was called being a latchkey kid.😕 She hated being alone in the house and joined any after school club going.

Thanks everyone.

To answer a few questions they get the bus and then walk home as most secondary children do I'm working in a shop so no chance of wfh or leaving early - hours are set in stone. I finish at 6 and as long as traffic isn't bad hoping to be in for 6:30 but won't know until I start so erring on the side of caution. Dh's job is a bit more flexible so he will definitely be home 2 days and may well finish earlier some other days, but it's not guaranteed.

We have agreed on the 3 nights there's nobody at home they must come home together & no friends to come round except on a Friday (DH wfh home so more flexibility). Both are pretty sensible and although I've not been working, I do leave them occasionally if dh & I go out for a meal locally or if I'm visiting parents in the day & not back in time so it won't be a completely new experience for them.
I think the biggest worry is the risks associated with cooking so might need to rethink that one initially and stick with pre-prepared meals or bung in the oven type stuff.
Good idea about getting a key safe.

You don't need a key safe, do as PP has and me by attaching the key to those retractable key ring, you don't even need to sew it into their school bag if you don' t want to just use a safety pin to secure it into their school bag. That way they don't lose it. Also we made sure that they removed the key before opening the door allowing them to close it and re-lock it, then turn off the alarm.

Re dinners I would do "dump" slow cooker meals, loads of ideas on YouTube for this. If your slow cooker doesn't have a timer then use a plug in one. Or something that can just go into the oven, pizza or chicken kiev style things.

Start teaching them stuff now if you haven't already. My 14 year old is a sous chef for me or his older brother either chopping or stirring, he makes salmon parcels for the oven, can make chicken, pesto pasta with left over chicken so it is already cooked.

And for the record absolutely huge numbers of parents have no choice but to leave their children alone for hours after school at 11 onward. It is a fact of life. You just equip them with the means to succeed, so you talk through scenarios, see if they can work it out for themselves. They just need to be a bit alert when nearing the house to make sure they haven't been followed. Ds1 used to shout "Hello" into the empty house when he opened the front door, I was only 10 minutes behind him picking up Ds2 but it made him feel better and if anyone was casing the joint it may appear occupied.

We had hall and lounge lamps of timers so that the house was never dark. Mobile phones mean they can be in contact very easily. We also have a Ring doorbell so we can see them arrive home safely.

Cooking I'd stick with bung in the oven.

But then, I learned to cook from a friend who learned because of similar boat to your kids. The pots were left with post-it notes what she had to do with them.
As time went on she did more of the preping too.

I wouldn't worry too much about a key safe. They should be more than capable of having keys and not losing them. The odds of them both forgetting keys on the same day has to be quiet low.

TBH the best thing about high school blazers is the inside pockets, one for money and key, the other for pens and phone.

I think the fire safe blanket is a good idea. Without scaring anyone, the hairy situations I refer to earlier were fires (3 occasions - 2 x toast, 1 x custard, don’t ask) or fights.

The slow cooker is also a great idea. You can get a timer switch to turn them on too so it won’t have been in there all day.

I'd have the slow cooker going. Bolognaise, stew, chillis etc are all perfect. Your DC can then get the other bits and pieces to go with the meal ready before you come home.