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Original poster

Starting a full time job & leaving DC 11 & 14 home alone after school

91 replies

lechatnoir · 15/10/2020 11:04

I'm about to start a full time job with pretty long hours and even with a bit of juggling shifts with DH, there 3 days the DC will be coming home from school and on their own until 6:45 at the earliest. I'm keen for them to take responsibility for the evening meal on at least one of those days.

Those with kids that fend for themselves after school, how do they find it? am I being realistic/fair to ask this of them and any meal ideas very welcome. (and will I ever stop worrying they are going to sever a limb or burn the house down in my absence ). Do they actually do their homework without the usual nagging? I'm hoping this is a good opportunity for me to cut the apron strings a bit as I do pretty much everything for them (or spend a lot of time nagging them to do stuff!) and my eldest is frankly quite lazy and ungrateful but worry that 11 is still very young to be left to your own devices so much. Can you tell I'm slightly panicking about it

OP posts:

Sodamncold · 17/10/2020 07:58

Actually just seen one is 11

No - too young in my opinion

My son is 10.5.

I am happy to leave him for an hour whilst I pop to shops during the day. But wouldn’t ever after school for that length of time.

Minimum age 13

vanillandhoney · 17/10/2020 07:59

@YardleyX

Good god, I’m shocked by this.

How does the 11 year old get home?

Why is it shocking?

11yos around here walk home alone or get the bus, and I would say the vast vast majority go home to an empty house (or at least, a house with no adults).

My niece gets herself to and from school alone and has done since the beginning of year 5.

Giningit · 17/10/2020 07:59

@ExclamationPerfume

I think the 11 year old is too young to be left that long.

What do you think happens during school holidays? There isn’t a lot of childcare for kids aged over 11 or once they start Secondary school, so a lot of parents leave them at home whilst they work. This 11yr old has their older sibling with them so I don’t see the problem

Interested in this thread?

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Families

SuzieCarmichael · 17/10/2020 08:01

Can you do a trial run a couple of times before your job hours increase? You go out somewhere before they get back and they have to do the whole thing on their own. Then you can see how they get on. But I wouldn’t have thought it would be a problem.

PotteringAlong · 17/10/2020 08:02

@Sodamncold then what would you do with your children whilst you’re at work? Mine are young enough at the minute that they are in wrap around care. But that stops at the end of year 6 so, when he goes into year 7, my eldest will have to get the bus home and then wait in the house by himself until DH and I have got the little ones and got home.

We cannot give up our jobs and childcare for children in year 7 and 8 doesn’t exist.

superram · 17/10/2020 08:05

11 is not too young unless specific issues, I’m a secondary teacher. They will be fine. I agree about prepping a slow cooker meal to start with. My kids often don’t eat until 7 so you could just have filled pasta on those days.

gavisconismyfriend · 17/10/2020 08:06

I did this from age 12 as mum went back to work. I loved it! Headspace after school without parents and a sense of being trusted enough to take responsibility for myself. Try and get them cooking a bit with you at weekends so that you all gain confidence in their abilities and then ask them what they’d like to cook for tea, rather than deciding for them and telling them - you’re much more likely to get success if they have some ownership over it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/10/2020 08:06

I think it's fine and as you don't have any choice it's just time for a quick basic cooking course and a lot of reminders about kitchen safety.

One night a week with pizza will be perfect for most teens. Setting the slow cooker off one day a week will take care of another and one night they get to make a simple recipe. Even if they start off with burger and chips, baked potatoes or a pasta bake they will manage.

Tiggerdig · 17/10/2020 08:09

My biggest worry would be fighting but that’s becuae mine don’t get on. If they will run along happily together then I thunk it’ll work ok.

How are people shocked about an 11 year old walking home alone. I believe in Scandinavian counties children walk to school from age 6/7.

ByTheStarryNight · 17/10/2020 08:09

Absolutely fine. My DS has been coming home to an empty house since Y5. Initially just 30 minutes before I got home, now in Y7 it can be a couple of hours. We have a poster in the kitchen of 'what to do if'. The lady across the road has a key. We have basic rules like lock the door when you get in, get a snack (no cooking yet), call me to say you are home.
I have an amazon echo dot which I use on Drop In setting, so I can check in on him easily.
He is learning independence, and says he's happy just watching tv/on xbox, relaxing after school.

Giningit · 17/10/2020 08:11

I can’t get over some of the Drama Llamas on this thread . OP my DC were sometimes left on their own for a couple of hours at that age, for a few days a week. I did check up on them, doors locked, straight home from school etc. They had snacks but didn’t need to make dinner because I’d be home in time. I did have neighbours they could call on if anything happened, so wasn’t anxious at all.

Aragog · 17/10/2020 08:11

Generally fine but it's also important that the older one doesn't have their independence stopped due to being the child care for the younger.

What happens if one of them wants to go our with mates after school? Or wants friends back?

Will that be allowed?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/10/2020 08:14

It’s quite normal for secondary age kids to do this even without an older sibling. Childcare is rarely available for this age group and most kids wouldn’t want it anyway.

SunnySomer · 17/10/2020 08:14

It worked fine for our family. My DS didn’t like coming into a dark house in the winter which made sense, so we made sure we left lights on in the morning and programmed the heating so the house would be warm when he got home. If I was going to be home after 6.15 I’d leave him something to heat up (eg Bolognese in the microwave) but generally I was back by then. We’d speak on the phone immediately he got in.
He’s an only child so didn’t initially love coming in alone (he was 11), but quite quickly seemed used to it. For us too it was a situation of needs must, and honestly, it was fine. Sensible child though....

MissFitton · 17/10/2020 08:15

They'll be fine. I have children the same age as yours and they're home after school on their own 4-5 evenings a week until a get back at 6pm. They message me once they've walked home from school.

I don't expect them to cook but they're happy doing homework and relaxing after school. They do get on though, it might be different if I didn't trust them not to fight!

Really can't see why this would be shocking Yardley?

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2020 08:18

Mine both came home from age 11 and let themselves I. The house till I got home from work at 6pm

They didn’t cook, I either used slow cooker or got dinner when I got home.

If you need to work & many of us don’t have a choice then it’s what happens at secondary age.

I have colleagues now with school age children if 11/12 letting themselves in after school. One makes her lad phone him when he gets gone from the home phone

movingonup20 · 17/10/2020 08:30

I recommend Sam Sterns cookbook, written with younger/mid teens in mind. I had to leave mine at that age but luckily my youngest was the ultra sensible one

Sodamncold · 17/10/2020 08:32

[quote PotteringAlong]@Sodamncold then what would you do with your children whilst you’re at work? Mine are young enough at the minute that they are in wrap around care. But that stops at the end of year 6 so, when he goes into year 7, my eldest will have to get the bus home and then wait in the house by himself until DH and I have got the little ones and got home.

We cannot give up our jobs and childcare for children in year 7 and 8 doesn’t exist.[/quote]
No problem at all leaving an 11 year old alone after school.

But I would not feel comfortable doing it until 6.45, to include preparation of dinner, 3 times a week.

No judgment against those that do.
But I would not. And I would speak with my employer to adjust if possible ie in hour earlier so that home by 5.45pm so finish shift earlier.

lurch3r · 17/10/2020 08:48

YardleyX
Good god, I’m shocked by this.

Not shocking at all IMO. My DCs have had train season tickets since they were 11 and walked to the station, got the train into town and walked from there to school every day. And then back again home in the evening. Every day until they left school. If there were any problems (and they did have a few) they either moved away from trouble or spoke to a member of station/shop staff. They had to sort out their own snacks until we got in about 6. They are now 16 and 18, so not that long ago. Barring SEND, obviously, I don't see why this is an issue.

ScrapThatThen · 17/10/2020 08:50

Don't be too naggy or prescriptive - make these DIY dinner nights or something and chips night. Don't expect your dinner done or you will make it a source of arguments. By all means get them to cook other meals occasionally with DH or you around for advice. And don't either of you come in screeching that the house is a mess. Deal with expectations in a general way. Otherwise this change that you are stressed about will become their stress. Go through who they could call for advice if you don't answer, revisit basics of emergencies but don't dwell on the worst in case you increase their anxiety.
Don't try to get quality time with them around your new schedule (forced quality is no substitute for the quantity they are used to), just be available when you are - stop and listen, say yes to requests 80%of time even when you are too tired -and it will happen somehow.

Bikingbear · 17/10/2020 09:12

@YardleyX

Good god, I’m shocked by this.

How does the 11 year old get home?

Flying Carpet - how do you think the kids will get home?

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2020 09:16

How does the 11 year old get home?

Bus, on foot or bike like many other 11 year olds. It's only a recent thing that parents drop and pick up secondary school pupils on a regular basis.

Blueshmoo · 17/10/2020 09:26

People saying no, do you not work?

Oblomov20 · 17/10/2020 09:29

It'll be totally fine. I only have to leave mine occasionally and they absolutely live it!

Depends on the children. Mine are 17 and 12 and very mature. They wouldn't even notice if I didn't come home at all!

Ylvamoon · 17/10/2020 09:30

They will be fine... I do this with my 10 & 16 year old.

As for food, I have a soup maker, it's dead easy to use for my 10year old: just add some pre chopped soup veg and a can of something, stock & water , once the programme is finished it switches itself off. Eat with crusty bread / some rolls done!
My older DC can cook so no worries there. She will usually cool for the whole family.

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