Starting a full time job & leaving DC 11 & 14 home alone after school

[lechatnoir]

I'm about to start a full time job with pretty long hours and even with a bit of juggling shifts with DH, there 3 days the DC will be coming home from school and on their own until 6:45 at the earliest. I'm keen for them to take responsibility for the evening meal on at least one of those days.

Those with kids that fend for themselves after school, how do they find it? am I being realistic/fair to ask this of them and any meal ideas very welcome. (and will I ever stop worrying they are going to sever a limb or burn the house down in my absence ). Do they actually do their homework without the usual nagging? I'm hoping this is a good opportunity for me to cut the apron strings a bit as I do pretty much everything for them (or spend a lot of time nagging them to do stuff!) and my eldest is frankly quite lazy and ungrateful but worry that 11 is still very young to be left to your own devices so much. Can you tell I'm slightly panicking about it

No judgment against those that do.
But I would not. And I would speak with my employer to adjust if possible ie in hour earlier so that home by 5.45pm so finish shift earlier.

And if your manager says no, you know the shifts and the opening hours etc - what then?

I agree with Giningit I can't believe the drama llamas here.
Ds2 has been walking to school for over a year, because year 6 at his primary recommend it, in preparation for secondary.
Both of my iron their own school shirts.
Both have keys to the house and prepare their own packed lunch the night before, and breakfasts. Ds1 can cook a variety of meals, including spaghetti and meatballs. You know they teach food tech at schools these days. Do all this utter rubbish, by previous posters, 'oh I wouldn't let them use the hob' - errr, why ever not?

This type of mollycoddling and snowflaking of children is parenting at its worst.

No problem at all leaving an 11 year old alone after school.

But I would not feel comfortable doing it until 6.45, to include preparation of dinner, 3 times a week.

No judgment against those that do.
But I would not. And I would speak with my employer to adjust if possible ie in hour earlier so that home by 5.45pm so finish shift earlier.

But the OP is not leaving the 11 year old home alone, is she? There will be an older sibling there too.

You know your children and wouldn't be considering this if you didn't think they were capable. They'll be fine. Make sure someone, if you aren't able to, would be able to answer a phone to them in case of any questions/ concerns. And ask them to message you when they get in from school so you know they are home ok.

Looking at a select few on this thread, I am not surprised that some young adults lack basic survival skills.

@CrappleUmble

No problem at all leaving an 11 year old alone after school.

But I would not feel comfortable doing it until 6.45, to include preparation of dinner, 3 times a week.

No judgment against those that do.
But I would not. And I would speak with my employer to adjust if possible ie in hour earlier so that home by 5.45pm so finish shift earlier.

But the OP is not leaving the 11 year old home alone, is she? There will be an older sibling there too.

Oddly enough - the inclusion of a sibling can increase the risk factor at these ages!

But as I say
In haiku to leave my 10.5 year old alone
All i am saying is that I wouldn’t leave 3 times a week after school until 6.45pm. But I don’t judge those that do.

“I am happy”

Whether the inclusion of a sibling increases the risk factor or not rather depends on the sibling. The OP knows her dc.

And if your 14yo can't cook a meal safely, surely that is something to do with the training you've given them?

Even if we accept that to be true sodamncold, if there's someone else with the 11 year old, they aren't alone.

I'd do this but I'd prep something for dinner and make friends with a neighbour or school mum as an emergency contact .

I'm a nanny to 11, 13 and 15 year old and both parents now at home due to Covid but I am still working although I am definitely a spare part for a bit of the time! ... Some of the things I've witnessed them doing I think if I wasn't here what would of happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ tbh the middle one of extremely sensible I'd trust her absolutely but the youngest really doesn't have a clue and the eldest is lazy and doesn't think sometimes!

However, you've got to work and this is the situation. I don't know how sensible your youngest is but I think you need to talk them through what's expected and maybe ask your most sensible child to "guide" the youngest as to what they will be doing during the time.

Making them responsible for the evening meal could be interesting

A nanny to that age group
Even more with parents at home!!

Definitely. DT’s got the Tube home from school on their own from age 11. How long they were at home before DH and I depended on what after school sports activities they had and how late we worked.

we did before wfh due to corona and will again when we return to the office.

we went through a few 'what if' scenarios with them:
what if their bike brakes on the way home
what if someone knocks at the door
what if there is an emergency
who to go to if they have to leave the house in an emergency etc
they have to do their homework first and have to answer the phone/messaging to us immediately.

Assuming that they get along relatively well I cannot see an issue with this at all but I would get a slow cooker or at least make sure they know what they have to cook for dinner so that there is no arguing on that front . Realistically how much input do people have with their secondary age children between 4-6 other than telling them to do homework and cooking the dinner , at that age you are not permanently supervising and if you are how do they ever learn to do things for them self .

Some of the things I've witnessed them doing I think if I wasn't here what would of happened

My own experience is that many children grow with responsibility and being trained to think that you are responsible helps with that growth.

So they'll play up and be silly with an adult in charge but may well step up to the mark if they know they are the adult in charge.

I used to babysit my neighbour's children. Never bothered to mention that it involved leaving my own son of the same age alone in the house- I hasten to add that he was quite old enough and competent enough to look after himself. (oh, and she wasn't paying, just a friendly neighbourly thing, she helped me with other matters)

I have been doing this for 18 months now, I have 4 DC and the youngest was just 11 when I started full time work ( no choice, widowed and had to work with no nearby family support).

My Dc did really well, took it in turns to cook and the older two are good cooks now. We started with freezer meals and some basic training. But to be honest they had been left alone a lot during their dad's illness so were used to being in the house without a parent.

I have just recently managed to change my working hours so I am home at 4pm for 3 of the days now but I will still be encouraging their independence.

In terms of homework, they tended to just get on with it without me nagging and I have not had any issues really apart from the usual sibling bickering now and again and random texts when I am working asking me where such a thing is.

Some of the people I work with are amazed when they see how mature my dc can be in terms of looking after themselves but I think it is a good thing and helps set them up for adulthood.

I missed the bit where sociallydistained is still nannying while the parents are at home- let's hope this is because they are kindly people who don't want to sack a trusted employee rather than because these young people need that level of supervision.

I can't believe people have nannies for teenagers!

I think it will be fine OP. Go through different scenarios with them to make sure they're prepared for almost all eventualities. Write down a timetable for them and maybe get them to follow it/make dinner while you're there with minimal supervision.

My secondary school child has keys attached to the inside of their bag on a stretchy keychain so that they can't lose them (well unless they leave the bag at school). I also have tracking apps on their phone so I can see where they are.

I'd just like to throw out there that during lockdown, many of DD's friends (who were all 14) were looking after younger siblings (much younger than 11) all day for several days a week while their parents were at work.

Yes, this was not ideal, but it's not unusual for DC the same age as OP's oldest to be babysitting regularly. It really isn't an issue for a nearly-15 year old and an 11 year old to be on their own after school.

OP - my DC have been cooking dinner once a week since they started secondary school. It took them ages at first, but they now both have a repertoire of stuff they can easily make. I'd teach yours some simple things asap. You could always mix "proper cooking" weeks with "bung something in from the freezer" weeks.

My 12 & 9 year olds stay home alone for a couple hours after school.

I have someone drop the 9yo off but the eldest walks home. They just go on xbox and have snacks till I get home.

I did the same at that age, I was out playing down the park at that age. I'm sure they can manage being at home sitting on the sofa for a little while!

I’m usually the one saying “noooo, too young” on these type of threads but even I think this would be fine.

I think I’d just let them stick to microwave meals etc at first, just until I was confident they were ok with everything. Do some dummy runs and go out leaving them to it before you start your job.

@BigSandyBalls2015

A nanny to that age group Even more with parents at home!!

I know. However I feel I do a good job! I'm grateful they're letting me keep me job (probably not for much longer) during these times!

I understand it's nice to have a job sociallydistanced but perhaps better not use it to suggest that teenagers in general are not capable of being left alone based on what you observe from these clearly very sheltered teens who are never given any responsibility or (in the case of the 15yo) encouraged to think of themselves as someone who will soon be an adult.

Whatever the reasons of these particular parents, and however good they may be as employers, most of us have felt that it is our duty to make sure that teens are trained in independent decision-making and acting without constant supervision.

It’s pretty normal I would say for year 7s (so age 11/12) to walk home or get the bus home and be let them selves in and be alone until parents get home from work (probably anytime from 5-7 depending on where the parents work)
Before covid my 11 and 13 year old came home to an empty house twice a week, the rest of us would get hole just after 6. I only work a 5 min drive away so was happy that I could get back to them quickly in any emergency.
Kids need a little bit of independence. DD is now 12 and has been camping with Cubs/scouts for years, know first aid and can cook loads of stuff from scratch.
Parents aren’t doing kids any favours by not teaching thier children independence and life skills. Of course there’s a difference between total neglect and teaching independence but if a child is coming home to a house with heating and electric, food in the fridge that they can make themselves a snack from and know what to do in an emergency then barring any special needs any child should be done to be left in a safe and familiar environment for a couple of hours!!