Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do I make ds a good loser?

59 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 17:04

Ds5 can't bear to lose or come second at anything. Even coming down the stairs ahead of him can result in hysterics and tears, and when he's really overcome hitting himself in the face

He lost at sleeping Tigers at school today and got so upset he hot himself in the face , school must think we're awful parents and I'm worried they'll assume we're violent too

How do I teach him to be a good loser? Cos all my parenting to date has clearly been a failure

OP posts:
Camomila · 13/10/2020 17:44

DS1 4.5 is a bit of a sore loser, I've signed him up to a kids athletics class where he'll be one of the youngest so that should help, as I imagine he'll lose most of the time. He loves running/jumping though so he'll hopefully it's still fun even if others are better than you at stuff.

(Main reason I did it was because it was the only indoor local class open with spaces on a Saturday, and I think we'll get bored rotating the local playgrounds)

Camomila · 13/10/2020 17:48

Lots of simple board games might also be good?

VillageGreenTree · 13/10/2020 17:49

Let him loose lots and praise him for playing nicely.
When you play board games with him don't let him win every time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Gulpingcoffee · 13/10/2020 17:51

My 5 yr old got a lot better over the last year by losing lots of times at games. Eg playing dobble or board james like snakes and ladders or ludo. He used to have a strop and throw stuff around but gradually gradually has got better and we did lots of ‘if you’re not finding the game fun anymore it goes away until you feel calmer another day.’ Also being a good winner eh ‘oh I won today, I was so lucky but I hope you win next time’ etc and always making sure he did win sometimes.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 13/10/2020 17:52

I thought no it's pretty normal for kids to be bad losers at this age. My brother was awful and DS wasn't much better. Both grew out of it. I had stern words with DS about his behaviour and how people - including us - wouldn't want to play with him if he was grumpy and crosd. It sunk in but not straight away. We had these rules:

  • Games at home (chess, connect4 etc.): we stop playing as soon as someone starts getting annoyed or grumpy.
  • Games at home rule 2: if he was a bad loser then we wouldn't play the game the next day.
  • Football matches: he is allowed one big grumble before he gets in the car. Then no more grumbling. If he still feels grumpy and cross once we're home then he can do a big AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH in the garden.

He's 10 and we haven't needed to use either rule for ages.

CMOTDibbler · 13/10/2020 17:54

I think its really important to model losing/failing/things going wrong so that children see their parents being good losers and happy to give things a go

WatchTooMuchBelowDeck · 13/10/2020 17:54

Mine is exactly the same and I was having the same thoughts last night. He's started to resort to mild cheating to try to win.

I'm 36 and still a terrible loser so I'm hoping my DC grow out of it slightly earlier... Blush

WatchTooMuchBelowDeck · 13/10/2020 17:56

I do think being a bad loser can be a self esteem thing though. I know that when I lose at things I have a shame spiral of being terrible at EVERYTHING and feeling worthless, and I don't like to try new things or take risks.

So maybe build up a bit of self esteem even when they lose at things.

bookworm14 · 13/10/2020 17:59

My DD aged 5 is slowly getting better at this. As others have suggested, play lots of simple board or card games (junior monopoly, Uno and Orchard games are favourites in our house) and make sure he doesn’t always win. Give lots of praise for being a good loser. DD is now much better at losing to me or DH, but still tends to get upset if she loses to a friend. We are working on it!

Fullyhuman · 13/10/2020 17:59

Let him win loads at home. If playing adults or significantly older kids. Model having a good time while losing.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 18:06

I thought no it's pretty normal for kids to be bad losers at this age and the hitting themself in the face tho? I guess that's my real issue. When he gets overwhelmed / angry and he hits himself

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 18:07

Good point re games, I have resorted to letting him win at stuff, even who goes downstairs or out the door first because I don't want him to have a tantrum and hit himself. We also haven't played many since his baby brothers starting crawling and rolling and eating everywhere

OP posts:
user27378 · 13/10/2020 18:08

Orchard Toys games are good for this, they are short and rely on chance not skill or strategy. Spotty Dogs or Shopping list and snakes and ladders etc. One of mine still didn't get this until 6. What helped with her was doing a funny impression of her completely going over the top, blowing raspberries at others, doing laps of the room etc with celebrations when winning a chance game, which she found funny, and then I explained it was nicer to say well done/maybe next time/good game etc when you win so the other players don't feel sad. Ever since then she's been a graceful loser and winner! So it was actually teaching her to be a kind winner that worked rather than the other way round in the end.

user27378 · 13/10/2020 18:09

I definitely let that particular child win at 5 though. I can't say if the strategy that worked in the end would have worked any younger.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2020 18:13

It sounds like his feelings are really strong and he's struggling to manage them.

It can be helpful to play through situations like this with toys. So if one teddy beats another teddy in a race, how does each teddy feel? What should they do? How can the teddy who won help the teddy who lost feel better?

It can be useful to use a mantra (e.g. everyone wins sometimes and loses sometimes) or a plan on what to do if his emotions get to strong (stamp his feet, clap his hands, have a hug - whatever helps him).

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 18:16

@user27378

I definitely let that particular child win at 5 though. I can't say if the strategy that worked in the end would have worked any younger.
Mimicking him just sends him over the edge, he HATES it
OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/10/2020 18:18

Oh Karl! I think the hitting yourself is more common than you would think. I would be be very positive with “you did so well”, “so close! That was amazing” type comments, maybe have a giggle about how the game/race felt or how you nearly made a mistake rather than the result. Have a chat about how how he feels when it happens, relate to it a little and chat about why winning isn’t everything.

His competitive spirit my get him an Olympic medal one day!

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 18:25

I do try when we're home tho as I admitted it's "easier" to let him win, which I guess isn't good long term. I'm sure the arrival of Harold and Lou plus lockdown / shielding hasn't helped

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/10/2020 18:58

Yes, kids’ mental health has been a huge thing here too. Praising how he does, even when losing, should hopefully help. It may take a few goes to sink in. Plus he has to share you now with H + L. That’s tough. Are you able to have some quality one on one time booked in? x

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 19:04

He gets an hour for bedtime but it's basically getting ready and books. But that's mainly Dad

There's no set time weekend because frankly L and H are needy things and if they have 1 adult they tend to fall over lots and scream 😂😂

But I think you might have a point about doing that now they're older, even if it's the informal "when 1 is asleep" rather then 2pm

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/10/2020 19:10

Literally no idea how anyone copes with twins. Totally in awe. I’m finding just one a handful😂

MalorieSnooty · 13/10/2020 19:21

DS1 was like this at 5: used to melt down and hit himself when he lost at anything. It was unbearable.

He's recently been diagnosed with autism level 1 (Asperger's) - he's 8 in a couple of weeks. There were obviously other behaviours that were red flags, but the hitting himself/not coping with losing were very much part of it!

MalorieSnooty · 13/10/2020 19:23

PS He's a much better loser these days Grin but still doesn't like playing board games or any kind of competitive/team sport, whereas DS2 could play them all day long. He's just unable to pick up the requisite social cues to manage competitive situations.

user27378 · 13/10/2020 20:16

@SleepingStandingUp Ah! I have one of those too so I sympathise. Mine is autistic (definitely not for one second suggesting your son is) but mimicking to try and lighten the mood would definitely set that DD off bigtime. But for her sister it lightens the mood and makes her realise she is being silly, she says 'pretend to be me winning again!' So definitely not upset by it incase you think I'm cruel Blush.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 20:22

He's super competitive. I get him to get dressed of a morning by racing the baby but even that can backfire. Baby got naked, Karl was half dressed and he decided that the baby had won because he was naked so had a meltdown that then took me sitting there taking through and explaining that no, HE'D won and the baby had lost. It's just so draining for us all and then I'm angry at myself so letting him win.
His behaviour is usually really good at school so him hitting himself there worries me.

He did it alot when he was non verbal but his speech had come on so much this year o thought we were through the worst of that

OP posts: