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Original poster

How do I make ds a good loser?

59 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 17:04

Ds5 can't bear to lose or come second at anything. Even coming down the stairs ahead of him can result in hysterics and tears, and when he's really overcome hitting himself in the face

He lost at sleeping Tigers at school today and got so upset he hot himself in the face , school must think we're awful parents and I'm worried they'll assume we're violent too

How do I teach him to be a good loser? Cos all my parenting to date has clearly been a failure

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 20:24

[quote user27378]@SleepingStandingUp Ah! I have one of those too so I sympathise. Mine is autistic (definitely not for one second suggesting your son is) but mimicking to try and lighten the mood would definitely set that DD off bigtime. But for her sister it lightens the mood and makes her realise she is being silly, she says 'pretend to be me winning again!' So definitely not upset by it incase you think I'm cruel Blush.[/quote]
Hahah no i can totally see how it would work in OTHER children lol.
We do play games where he says me be him and him me, and so I push a little on reenacting the milder behaviour sometimes and he tells me not to do it like o tell him lol

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tobypercy · 13/10/2020 20:47

@WatchTooMuchBelowDeck

I do think being a bad loser can be a self esteem thing though. I know that when I lose at things I have a shame spiral of being terrible at EVERYTHING and feeling worthless, and I don't like to try new things or take risks.

So maybe build up a bit of self esteem even when they lose at things.

I can't help adding Watch's good point to you saying "all my parenting to date has clearly been a failure" and thinking perhaps he is picking up an "if I lose then I'm rubbish at everything" feeling?

Obvioiusly not intentionally but I know I see my worst habits most clearly when they come out in DS. Maybe I'm projecting here!

But whether or not that's relevant (or true), they do grow out of it. My DS at that age would shout and hit other people... although seeing him hit himself must be distressing, at least he's not hurting others.

Others have posted most of what we've done. Just encourage him to focus on enjoying the game, every time anyone wins or loses make a point of praising the good losers, etc.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 23:56

Expecting a call from the schools SENCO tomorrow so I'll mention it to them too. When o asked what the teacher said when he hot himself, he said they said nothing. How 121 was there so I'm not convinced she didn't but I'll speak to th anyway so we're on the we page.

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MiddleClassProblem · 14/10/2020 00:11

Sounds like a plan. I can get like this when I’m in a pit of anxiety and depression (very rare I get that low now). I think kids feel emotions quite extremely that for a grown up, it can be a more drawn out build up and controllable. I can relate my anxiety to his frustration. It’s like your head feels muddy and you can’t have a clear thought. Maybe ask him how he feels in those moments (not when he’s in it but maybe on a day he has done it) and discuss why it’s not a good idea to do it and possible things that may help.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 14/10/2020 00:19

Maybe you shouldn't give out all of your kid's names on here?

I'm sure that you've made yourself and your kids very recognisable.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:21

We do talk about why we don't do it, because he's lived and it's special and no one should get him etc, but sometimes you just end up in a dead end.

Why did you get upset?
Because I lost and I don't like losing
I know it's sad when you lose. Why did you got yourself though?
Because in like to jump like this.
No, this isn't about jumping. Why did you got yourself when you were upset
Because I wanted to do this (makes shape with gands)
No Karl, were talking about you hitting yourself, can you tell me why you did it?

Then he either doesn't know or has completely gone from the topic. It's hard to explain. I don't think he's deliberately changing the subject, more like he's trying to fill a gap where an answer should be??

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Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 00:25

When your child loses at anything it's always important for them to see how you react, and taking part is winning even if you lose. Sorry if that sounds like a manual :)

Praise for losing is more important than praise for winning.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:29

If (when) he lost at home he's always praised for trying his best, same as when he's had to redo school work etc. He's always told he just have to try his best. And o think we model good losing, a little bit of light hearted sulkiness which he finds funny .
But honestly since lockdown his emotions are crazy
And it's sad cos everyone has commented on the huge leap in his speech (he was pretty much non verbal at 3) so I hoped that would help his emotions but it doesn't feel like that

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AGnu · 14/10/2020 01:06

Sorry to hear K is having these struggles, Sleeping! My boys are a bit older (9&7) but also freak out when they lose. 7yo outright refuses to play any games now, or will end up sobbing half way through if we've managed to convince him to join in & 9yo completely loses it, storms through the house knocking over things, kicking toys & screaming about never wanting to see any of us EVER AGAIN!

We always have a conversation afterwards about appropriate reactions & things he can do if he feels his emotions are getting too strong. If I suggest he does any of those things when I can see him getting wound up, he insists he's fine & then explodes at me if I try to get him to realise he's not.

DS2 used to do the whole completely irrelevant answers thing. I think for him it was a case of either not understanding the question or not being capable of sufficient self-reflection to be able to understand his own behaviour, let alone express it to me. I was trained to always try to ask children open questions but I found with DS2 that asking leading questions helped, or just making statements like "I saw DS1 had the car & it looked like you wanted it too & that made you sad" so I was identifying his feelings for him & he could agree without having to find the words to express it himself. Eventually, I moved on to making utterly ridiculous suggestions about how he might've been feeling, like "you got angry because DS1 turned into an octopus..." That made him actually reflect on the situation because he felt compelled to correct my bizarre interpretation. He's pretty good at coming & telling me what's upset him now but I can see my 3yo going the same way - "then the snake went rah & Captain Barnacles said..." "No, DD, the programme you watched 3 days ago doesn't explain why you hit your brother..." Hmm

Hopefully, it's just a phase for K & his newfound language skills will keep improving until he can express himself better & learn to regulate his emotions!

AntiSocialDistancer · 14/10/2020 06:07

My son was a vile loser. You need to create
l ots more opportunities to win, and lose. In gentle ways. Sometimes simple like rock paper scissors, sometimes bigger set ups like a board game.

If we had to get about our day, we could let him win. If we had time to work on it, we could let him lose.

We also bought a book called Pug the Winner - a fun story but all about being a sore loser.

You have my sympathy Brew

AntiSocialDistancer · 14/10/2020 06:09

Just reading your other updates. My DS is so autistic (what would once have been considered aspergers but is now just autism spectrum disorder)

Vello · 14/10/2020 06:32

He hits himself because he's physically expressing his emotions. I don't think persistently asking him about it is going to get you anywhere or help him stop. It's a relatively common response to pain, to introduce more/confusing sensations to distract yourself from it. Just like it's (relatively) common to shout or yelp to bring a halt to thoughts or release tension. It's obviously better to do less weird things (I know from experience!) as it causes problems in your life but it's not mega crazy.

He can probably learn to express those emotions differently, with some guidance and practice - focusing on the two things separately learning to be a good loser and learning to drum his thighs or something when he's in that place of tension, but it's not super necessary for him to first get an adult understanding of the process in fact if you wait that long it will be far far too late to change his habit.

OverTheRainbow88 · 14/10/2020 06:38

My son sounded similar, turns out all he needed was to loose every single race at sports day last July and that sorted it out!!!

Sleephead1 · 14/10/2020 06:52

We play lots of games and just play normally ( dont deliberately let him win) so hes always known sometimes you win, sometimes you dont. We also model it doesnt matter if you win as long as you have fun.

MessAllOver · 14/10/2020 07:05

This is what I would try if one of my DC had this problem:

Play short games that don't last for long. Give him a chocolate button when he loses so long as he behaves nicely and says 'well done' to the winner. No chocolate button for winning... Tell him the satisfaction of winning is enough. If he loses "nicely" at school, tell him to come home and tell you and then he can have a chocolate button. Eventually he'll grow out of needing it.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/10/2020 07:13

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder

Maybe you shouldn't give out all of your kid's names on here?

I'm sure that you've made yourself and your kids very recognisable.

Kids names are not real
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 08:05

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder

Maybe you shouldn't give out all of your kid's names on here?

I'm sure that you've made yourself and your kids very recognisable.

Like middle said, kids names are code names and you Def wouldn't guess one from the other
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Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 08:23

@AGnu thesis, it's help someone else having had the same experience, esp the random convo. And I agree he doesn't have the grasp of what I'm asking, I just get so frustrated seeing him hurt himself and it's a massive trigger.

I've taken on board the other suggestions too, thank you all, and will try some different ideas and now games / modelling

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AntiSocialDistancer · 14/10/2020 08:44

Explosive Child is also a great parental read

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 13:18

O chatted to the paediatrician. She didn't say much but will look if there's any support in the community for us as well as looking for ot support with his five motor skills which I think will relieve some tension at school as it's a real "week" point and has resulted in the only other day he came home in tears

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Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 13:21

Also just downloaded the explosive child thanks Anti

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notacooldad · 14/10/2020 13:23

I would mix things up between him winning and losing games and model what sort of reaction you want to come from him.
So if you lose, say something along the lines of " Well played, that's a good win
When you win pay it down and say that was a great game everyone, I enjoyed that. Thanks.
Consistently do this so he can model it.

Voldethought · 14/10/2020 14:00

With regard to board games we found a rule that ‘the winner tidied up’ helped remove the sting from losing. The loser could abandon the winner to all the mess and therefore felt they had gained something too.

AntiSocialDistancer · 14/10/2020 14:02

Re - fine motor skills does he have hypermobility? Fingers bend back further than they should for example? Or elbow joint extends further than you would think?

notacooldad · 14/10/2020 14:03

Thats a good idea Voldethought