Daughters thighs

[Dollygirl2008]

Not sure how to handle this one. DD is 12 - but she hates her thighs. Says they're too fat and chubby and shopping for leggings, jeans etc is a nightmare. To me, her legs are not at all fat but it doesn't matter what I say - we've all been there!

She does karate and football so extremely active and not overweight. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I don't want to say the wrong thing but all the supportive people talks are falling on deaf ears!

She may have muscular thighs from her activities. Look at photos of Jessica Ennis Hill and Serena Williams- thighs that do more work may be larger, but they're far healthier than skinny pins that don't do much at all (and generally the glutes look far better on the active). It's a tough one, OP- does she have any sporting heroes you could use as exemplars?

My advice would be to ignore it, and see if you and DD's other parent (if she has) can reduce/remove incidences where she hears women/people moaning about their bodies. Sorry, this advice sounds crap.

I think girls at that age, especially ones going through puberty earlier, tend to want to look like everyone else. If her thighs are curvier than other girls she may feel different. Don’t dismiss her opinions but delve deeper - what does she want them to look like? Why does she feel they’re too fat? Then in my opinion it might be better to support her with healthy activities (rather than diet) to help change this - gymnastics / pilates is a good way of building lean muscle and can benefit her other sports too.

I am assuming, however, that she actually isn’t chubby or overweight.

Thank you all for your responses - I've got something positive from each of them.

You're right - she started puberty way earlier than anyone else and I was hoping that starting high school would have made her feel "normal" which it has in many ways as she is no longer the tallest (by far!). She isn't overweight - she has an amazing figure, but possibly one that she would kill for when she's older!!!! She has shape which her friends don't yet have. Good idea about role models from sporting background!

Is it really just her legs or is she chunky all over?

Nope not at all chunky - just thighs (but only to her!)

I remember almost feeling pressured to hate my body in this way when I was her age. I'd keep telling her that she had strong,slim muscular thighs and any wobble is due to them being made out of flesh and not stone or plastic. Explain that even 'skinny' thighs wobble, dimple and flop and it's nature's way of cushioning your bones and arteries.

I imagine the sort of thighs she wants are biologically impossible and only appear to look that way in the media

Is she friends with any sporty groups. All of my female friends from my sport (all ages) bitch about our inability to fit fashion trousers and jeans. Including the tiny teenagers with minute waists, because thighs are not in the fashionable proportion to waist/hips.

Most of us only solved this problem as mature adults by thickening at the waist and exercising less (thanks kids!) But still have athletic thighs.

Definitely look for footballers she admires, look at their body shape, I guarantee they won't fit in off the shelf jeggings!

Gymnasts like Simone Biles also have strong legs.

Somewhere with a variety of jean shapes might help - and could you look into getting things that nearly for altered at the waist?

If you can, subtly introduce her to bodyglide type options before summer - I really struggled as a teen with thighs that rubbed, even as a size 6 with a 22/24 inch waist because narrow hips plus muscular thighs means a thigh gap is not a possible thing, and my skin doesn't like the friction!

Yup - or belong to her friends who are still the shape of boys!

Explain that the more we obsess on something, the more inaccurate our perception of it is. Studies have shown that women on average over estimate their size and underestimate their attractiveness, while men on average over estimate their muscularity and attractiveness. This is probably due to the messages society gives women. There's no right or wrong shape or size but our society tends to promote unrealistic beauty standards. Boys gain muscle in puberty and girls gain fat which is why body shape changes so much, but it's important for fertility and health. Encourage her to judge herself and others on a wider range of things about them than just their looks, and to look outwards not obsess inwards. The other thing about thighs is that we tend to view ours from above pressed down and others thighs from a different perspective so comparisons are not helpful. Avoid talking about healthy eating or exercise for a while or she will get the message that you don't think she is ok and will unintentionally introduce her to the warped culture of adult female dieting. Encourage her hobbies, interests and talents and grow her self-esteem on a broad base. Eat well and exercise as a family of course but I am sure you do.

I’m quite surprised by this TBH because a decade ago thicker thighs were a huge negative among teens (the whole “thigh gap” trend) but it’s generally the opposite now—the whole thighs and bums thing, I know loads of teenage girls that do specific exercises to get bigger in this area? And leggings now are deigned to show this off!

For a non athlete "role model", Maisie Smith (Eastenders) has big thighs.

TBH, I don't think there is anything you can say that will stop her hating them right now.

Show her the Reddit page called Instagram Reality, just Google it (sorry I can't paste the link on iPad for some reason)

It's a forum dedicated to exposing photoshops on Instagram. Its full of funny terrible ones that are really obvious, but when you get a subtle and well done photo edit with a before and after if really opens your eyes as to how manipulated modern media is. Literally every image she sees as a young woman will have been touched up in some way, be it lighting or facetuning or smoothing out cellulite, its just so common now I think women forget what other real women look like. It did wonders for my self esteem. It also made it easier to spot these edited images for myself, I began to see smoothing and bendy backgrounds everywhere that gave it away!

And while you're at it, try and limit her access to those sorts of images. Skip through adverts when watching TV, remove magazines from the house, don't let her follow fake influencers on tiktok etc. Its all extra edited imagery that you can remove from her life and replace with imagery of real, strong women like the PP suggested.

Who does she follow on Instagram/ social media? Most teens would know people like Linn Lowes, Katie Crewe, Louise Thompson, Anfisa, etc who all post endlessly about getting bigger thighs and bums.

I’m wondering whether the source of this might be some bitchy comments from people at school? Like people picking up on her legs and commenting—either positively or negatively—and causing her to feel self conscious? People who want to look more like her could well be commenting in a way that causes her to feel self conscious

Can you help her shop for jeans by finding a brand that fits her well and buying a couple of pairs for her?

Ah I remember that age. You feel huge.

Just do me a favour and Google lipoedema and then keep an eye on her......

That was me 35 years ago and now I've progressed to stage 3 of a disease the NHS has barely heard of, private surgery is my only option of not being 30 stone and in a wheelchair by 60, and I'm having to use the equity from my house sale to fund it - I need about 40ks worth. If I can stop just one more girl ending up here it'll be worth it!

Hi thank you Fox - I have looked. I'm so sorry you are going through that

But that's the thing, my DD doesn't have big thighs - they are in proportion- but she just has a "thing" about them!

Some great advice - thanks all

I have no real advice, but I remember feeling that way, OP. I'm tall and felt huge compared to my peers. I'm also a mesomorph, so I have always had big thighs, although not fat. No-one ever made any negative comments, it was all me comparing myself to others. Perhaps just try and look at sports women and emphasise strength, speed etc.

There was a great post by Christine D’Ercole on having big thighs today/yesterday. Will try to find it. “The Numbers that Matter” www.facebook.com/christinedercolefitness

But generally I think the key thing at this age is to learn, and learn quickly, that no matter what the media presents to us as acceptable, we are in fact all different shapes and sizes. Embrace it, don’t rail against it, or what is actually a short opportunity to enjoy your one wild life, becomes a long life of self hatred and self criticism.

The thighs look big because they are at the top of her legs (obviously) so her perspective is off. If she looks in a mirror and compares to someone else that does a lot of sports they won't look big at all.

to understand better - google "venus of willendorf" which is an ancient carving of a woman from a time when mirrors didn't exist. It's thought that it was carved by a woman of herself so the boobs are huge and the hips/thighs very large and the feet tiny. Exactly what you would see if you were looking at yourself.

I had similar insecurities when I was a teen. I still have relatively big thighs/ bum (it's where I carry what weight I have!), but grew out of the insecurities. I can't offer much advice except guide her towards positive role models (athletes, influencers even as the current popular shape is thick thighs!). It might be worth helping her find clothing styles that make her feel happier and less like she has to compare herself to skinny legged peers. Everyone's built differently and if you can dress to focus on what you like it makes it a lot easier to forget about your "flaws". Teen body issues are horrible, to some extent you just need to ride it out in most cases I think.

Definitely find her some positive female role models in the sporting world.