Trapped in a bad marriage

[Gothgirl87]

Hi my husband and I are both 33 and have a 6 year old daughter. I can’t stand the 24/7 arguing and it’s unbearable. We used to live with the in laws and we got pregnant early on in the relationship. They pushed us out before we were financially ready. My husbands work was up and down. He wanted me to help him, but I didn’t know the right job agencies to go too. My in laws were supposed to increase the days, but they completely took over. My parents were supposed to have meetings with my in laws, but didn’t because spending their inheritance was more important. I told my husband I wasn’t happy. He told me to go screw myself and he didn’t care. We couldn’t afford to keep the place and moved back in with the in laws. They lied that they weren’t going for custody. But they did. They won. I regret ever getting back together. We arguing 24/7 and I can’t take it anymore.

Nothing has changed in years and I’m sick to death of my husbands empty promises.

I’m sorry I don’t think I understand your situation.

What country do you live in ?

Who had legal custody of your 6 year old daughter ?

Do you work ?

I live in Australia. My husband and I have a business together. But staying in this relationship has been unbearable.

My in laws have interim custody of my daughter.

How/why did they get custody? That’s unusual.

Do you live with your husband? Your in-laws? Your child?

I can’t work out what has happened or where everyone is now sorry.

How did you in laws end up getting custody of your daughter? More back story needed I think. Where do you live now? You need to get custody of your child back and leave.

They got custody because I had post natal depression. They also blindsided me with custody, so I was distraught and depressed when we went for court. My husband also let them walk over me and they took over too much.

I’m living with my husband but this is unbearable. I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore.

It has been physically abusive at times. I have no where else to go too.

Where are your parents/family?

My parents live an hour away. They made numerous empty promises and I’m sick of them.

I’m really sorry this situation sounds awful. I’m not entirely sure I understand it all either. Is there in real life that you can talk to?

I don’t know who else to talk to but my therapist?

I don’t have a good support system.

I'm simplifying here, but can you get another job, move to somewhere on your own, start filing for more custody while you get treatment for your PND (if you still have it)? You need to figure out a way forward to the future. Since you can't rely on family you will have to make a new life yourself.

Do you still see/visit your child?

Would you be able to see them if you separated?

I'm quite confused but you seem to not be making any decisions yourself and expecting others to sort things out, think speaking to your therapist and getting things straight in your head would be a start. You do have agency over your own life, use it

au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support

Two questions: why are your children with their grandparents and not their dad? And, if you are being completely, 100% honest, are you actually well enough to be the parent your little ones deserve right now?

Separate to that, there are things you can do to get your life back. You need, in this order,

-a bank account, of your own, at a different bank to the one your partner uses
-a check up with your doctor/therapist to discuss your progress, check medication etc
-a job, preferably a stable, decent paying one, OR a qualification that will let you get one
-a place of your own, even if it's just a room in a houseshare
-a lawyer, who will get you a better agreement for the care of your children (if you are capable of taking care of them)
-a divorce
-a support system. Reach out to old friends. Join a club and make new ones. They don't have to be instant BFFs, don't expect them to help with any of the above, or to be an immediate support system, but build yourself a network.

No court gave custody to the grandparents because you had PND. There must be more too this.

I am telling the truth. They basically took over completely and my husband didn’t care and wouldn’t do anything about it. They lied about going for custody and blindsided me. So I was naturally distraught when we went to court.

Why arent your children with your husband? Is he unfit?

I don’t think so. But the court gave it to my in laws because they completely took over.

I’m in Victoria, Australia with ever extended lockdowns. So getting a new job will be difficult.

I think you need specific Australian support. There are lots of lovely women on the Essential Baby forum.

If the court placed your little girl in the care of her grandparents, then your state’s social services department can probably assist you to take the steps to overcome the problems that led to this, so that you could at least ask for additional time with your daughter.

Why not also contact the domestic violence support services in your state? They could assist you with making a plan to separate from your husband.

Good luck with everything.