How are some people so confident and self assured?

[EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire]

I turn 30 in February and sometimes I still feel about 16.

There are people a lot younger than me who just come across so confident and look like they don't take any shit from anyone and here's me who doesn't have a clue and still comes across like a teenager. I suppose it doesn't help that I look younger than my age (or so people say).

So what's your secret if you (or at least look like you do) have your shit together?

In my view it is always, always a reflection of the people they've had around them. The family, friends, teachers and mentors who've built up their self-esteem throughout their whole lives. People who've given them a positive example to follow and reinforced their confidence through support and guidance over many years. People who listen to them, take them seriously, never belittle or punish them, are always there for them. It doesn't just magically come from within, it's built up over time.

That or they're faking it.

You have to realise you are the person you want to be. Be comfortable in yourself. One day it just happens.

And yes @jeremypaxo is right.

Shit rubs off and transfers to you. So does gold.

I would have felt like you when I was young but now I'm old, I have come to realise that some of the most "confident" people are over compensating for deep insecurities.

Stop comparing yourself to others and be the person you want to be.

I was raised to work hard, treat others how I want to be treated but not to take shit. I've always been pretty self assured, never ever felt peer pressure, etc. but I have had the same friends for decades, a supportive family, bosses & teachers who've mentored me as @jeremypaxo says.

Some of the threads on here about how family, friends, partners treat the OP leave me gobsmacked.

have come to realise that some of the most "confident" people are over compensating for deep insecurities.

I think you can spot the difference because those types tend to come across as arrogant or are clearly insecure.

@jeremypaxo

In my view it is always, always a reflection of the people they've had around them. The family, friends, teachers and mentors who've built up their self-esteem throughout their whole lives. People who've given them a positive example to follow and reinforced their confidence through support and guidance over many years. People who listen to them, take them seriously, never belittle or punish them, are always there for them. It doesn't just magically come from within, it's built up over time.

That or they're faking it.

Not necessarily. My parents and teachers disapproved of female self-confidence, and thought it meant you 'were in love with yourself' and 'thought you were better than everyone else', which was the cardinal sin. In particular my mother absolutely loathes female self-confidence, and actively prefers children and women who are very shy and elaborately self-deprecating to the point that she sees perfectly normal levels of confidence (as in, not apologising any time you open your mouth for the stupidity of what you're about to say, or accepting a compliment with a simple 'Thank you') as insanely arrogant. Female authors, medics, politicians, artists, journalists etc on chat shows to this day are greeted with vitriolic takedowns.

I basically looked at that and decided it was a pretty fucked-up way to be, and worked on being the complete opposite.

In the words of George/Whitney "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all". Be nice to everyone and, also, don't forget to be nice to yourself.

@Jeremypaxo - spot on.

@ LeanishMachine -also an element of truth in the 'seem' self confident but in reality aren't.

Simple: life's too short to give a shit about what most other people think.

Some people will be lucky enough to have been instilled with self-confidence from an early age, thanks to supportive families, etc. etc.

The rest of us have to plod along through life with crippling low self-esteem... Or do we?
Maybe one day something clicks, and we go "you know what? I won't put up with that kind of shit anymore. I won't apologise to others for simply existing. I'll be me, and whether other people like it or not, I don’t care either way"
... It's very liberating. People tend to reach that point as they grow older, but no reason not to start now.

Oh, and I find seeing/hearing other people who (gracefully, not arrogantly) act confidently can help. You can try and pick a few confidence tricks from them. Fake it till you make it.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment of jeremypaxo, I know of a fair number of siblings, same and opposite sex, attended the same school and have emerged with totally different levels of self worth/confidence.

Find the things you are good at and do them. Find the people who smile at you, get you, value your contribution. Then day by day you feel confident in the world

Amy cuddy power pose. There’s a YouTube video and a book

I believe that it is how you are brought up. I was terribly shy as a child and young adult. It took a lot of customer facing roles in work to make me able to talk to strangers with confidence. Now in my 50s I

do not give two hoots what anyone thinks of me, so am brimming with confidence.
Dsis is younger but so lacks confidence. DM unfortunately lacks any, which is very sad.

Went to a course and at the end of it we all had to describe our course mates by one word and everyone described me as confident. I don’t always feel that way but mostly I’m not worried about making a fool of myself and have fairly decent self esteem.

I also had a job for a long time where I had to strike a rapport with strangers within minutes and this really helped me to be able to treat everyone like equals and to be able to talk to anyone. It’s a very valuable skill to have.

Really interesting thread.

There are elements of @jeremypaxo that I agree with but it isn’t necessary family / upbringing.

The biggest confidence boosters I had were from the oddest situations, experiences and people. And my deadbeat dad had no part in instilling confidence in me at all.

At the same time I think emotional intelligence is really powerful. Learning and self care go hand in hand. For example, I watched this video earlier in the year. As an already fairly self assured and confident person (but still a natural catastrophiser and worried of things beyond my control) it helped me understand my thinking more and why I worry, and equally how I can improve it.

**warning, she says the word fuck a lot

I do feel for people who just do not have not one person in their life who thinks they’re brilliant and amazing. That alone would give anyone confidence (whether friend, partner, parent)

Definitely not upbringing in my case. Like a pp, confidence, especially female confidence, was considered extremely suspect in my family, and my parents were embarrassed by me doing well at school, in case it made us look ‘above ourselves’, so I spent a lot of my teens pretending to be stupid.

I think at university I began to find my feet, but also to notice sexual double standards in ‘acceptable’ levels of confidence. Too often what is approved of as ‘leadership’ in men is viewed as ‘ball-breaking’ in women.

And I thought, fuck that.