Feeling sad for all the Mumsnetters in abusive relationships 😢

[EternalOptimist7]

There seem to be so many! Why do women not believe they deserve so much more? It breaks my heart reading some of the posts on here. Having said that, I put up with way more than I should have done from DH in the past but despite everything I’m glad I stayed because he is a million times better as a husband & Dad now. The trouble is, I think the majority of men don’t change & women set the bar way too low.

The current thread about a father shouting at his 18 month old son that he is a cunt and a dickhead is awful. I really hope the op in that thread can leave

Because we've been told that having a man is the be all and end all. Thats the plot of every female centered movie apart from Wonderwoman.

Because when we see poor behaviour by men in the same movies it gets the ooh silly men what are they like? Or oh how romantic - he didnt give up and she fell for him in the end. Not he didnt accept her no what a prick.

Because concrete examples of behaviours and coping strategies and conflict resolution arent taught effectively in phse. Or at least they werent when I was in school.

Because it takes guts and energy to end a relationship, especially if there are dc involved. We're told that relationships need work. A lot of people hear its best for the kids to have 2 parents and cling onto that headline rather than read the whole article. Some people have never been told that they are worth more and deserve more so dont know that abuse isnt normal.

Thats a start isnt it?

I'm in an unhappy marriage. I just don't have the resources to leave him. Most of the advice on mumsnet is to LTB and take the kids or go stay with friends or family. Unfortunately for most of us we don't have that support around us. Abusers isolate their victim and cut them of from family and friends. In my marriage he has made it impossible for me to work because he knows if I have money I would be in a better position to leave. Its a vicious circle. I just want some peace for me and my children.

Women’s unpaid emotional and domestic labour props up society. Therefore although society now pays lip service to the idea that men should not exploit this or feel entitled to it, the reality is that everyday life is structured in a way that makes it very difficult to break free. Our elected prime minister has expressed disgusting views about single mothers/the children of single mothers and yet here he is with an 80 seat majority. 3/5 of NRPs pay no child maintenance. Legal aid has been stopped for divorce except on cases of abuse, which is often difficult and traumatic to provide proof of. House prices require two incomes to service the average mortgage, and low cost rental housing with security of tenure is virtually impossible to come by. Creating structural change is hard, especially when there is a lack of willingness to.

Some women can’t leave.

They can’t afford to go it alone, they have no family support. They might have older teens who live with them so they can’t get help from a shelter.

There’s a million reasons why they stay. They do have self worth, they do know they are will a bastard and they do realise they deserve better. It’s just really, really hard to leave.

And because a lot of abusers seem wonderful to anyone else. It’s not easy when you tell someone (their/your family, friends) what they are like and they defend them and say how wonderful/helpful/considerate they have always been to them.

I think the lack of teaching children the red flags in a relationship and how people should treat each other is also to blame.

If everyone knew when a relationship was starting to get abusive, then hopefully most people could talk through and resolve it or are able to leave it before they are financially/emotionally dependant on the partner, isolated from their family and/or have children to worry about.

Some men don't realise that they are being abusive and are willing to change whilst other just don't care.

Toxic masculinity and fragile egos also don't help.

Unfortunately we're ground down slowly and when we realise whats happening the fear has set in and it makes it so difficult.
Usually cut off and isolated from our loved ones and reliant on the abuser.

Years later I can tell the tale and be so happy that I managed to get out but I completely understand why others are still there.
I think if you know someone in that situation just make sure they know that you are there for them when they need you and don't give them ultimatums of they leave or you're done with them etc...
It means a lot when you know you can confide in someone in confidence and that they will support you.

Some women have no money, no job, nowhere to go, no support, no friends or family nearby or who can help. Also pets which they do not want to leave behind.

Easy for MNetters to say LTB, but for some this means living on the streets.

Sadly, lockdowns and Covid mean there are going to be many more women trapped in abusive relationships and marriages.

I feel more sorry for those in abusive relationships who arent on mumsnet. At least there is some support here. And lots of courage and knowledge from other posters who have been through it before or work with those who have.

It's a space to vent for those who are isolated.

I began a thread recently about something unrelated, but mentioned my abusive relationship with my now ex, as I felt it somewhat relevant. I feel worth mentioning here because I'm gay, of course it is a fact that men abuse women far more statistically than vice versa, but I think it may be worth my contributing that my ex tried to kill me (and it was only luck that she didn't) and was very manipulative, nasty and downright ruined me as a person over the few years we were together.
Abusive women are definitely a thing.

The reasons I didn't realise I was worth more,would apply even if she were a man, however

My upbringing had me beleive i was nothing, i was worse somehow than other people. I was stupid, I was uglier than other kids. I did things wrong. Other people are better than me is what I've always felt and although as I grew older I didnt think it any more, it takes more than a bit of unpicking to not feel it. It's a struggle and abusive people can sniff it out, so inevitably one ends up with people who abuse that low self esteem. One then plucks up the courage to leave, but is now slightly more damaged. Rinse and repeat unless something happens that changes you for the better for yourself.

I grew up in a household where my father was emotionally abusing my mother and, by extension, us children. One of the things that made my mum stay, aside from the threat of being murdered if she left, was that my dad told her he would put in for access weekends and would spend his first access weekend killing us children and then killing himself. She stayed so that he didn't get an access weekend and so she could be a buffer between him and us. When she did eventually leave him he asked her to come collect her belongings, when she got there he knifed her and then took an overdose. This sort of thing is very common and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when leaving it - of 91 women murdered by a current or former partner in 2018, 37 of them were killed while planning to leave or just after leaving. Its never as easy as just leave and the cycle of abuse - tension building, incident, reconciliation, calm - is so hard to break. The system pays lip service to helping women without actually being much help.

I'm trapped in an abusive marriage I have been for 24 years but I only realised it 3 years ago. It was Mumsnet that helped me to understand that his behaviour wasn't normal, or to be expected, or my fault but that he was emotionally, psychologically, sexually and physically abusive.
I can't leave. I have no options - I have no qualifications (he stopped me finishing my degree) - I have no income (he has made it almost impossible for me to get a job) I have a lot of DC with a wide spread of ages ( he kept me pregnant) I have no friends to confide in or help me and only recently have I rebuilt my relationship with my family. Women's aid and others have said I would be entitled to 50% but he has made it quite clear it would be 50% of nothing - he's self employed. He has been violent to the children but I have warned him the next time he touches any of them I'll call the police, he gaslights and manipulates them too. If I'm not here I can't protect them. I hope one day when the youngest leaves home I can just go. I don't care if I have nothing but in the meantime I just pray that he will find someone else and want to leave. I've even prayed that he would hit me properly so that I have a tangible reason to make him leave.
Surprise, surprise I also had a very abusive childhood so I didn't realise there was anything wrong with his behaviour. I never really knew that someone who loves you isn't meant to make you feel like shit. That they are meant to care about you and your feelings, your needs. I've spent my whole life thinking I really don't matter, not even to myself...

That is so sad to hear @ihavetonamechangeforthis I hope and pray that some day soon there will be an opportunity to escape and rebuild a happier, peaceful and settled life for you and yours