Is it because women tend to be more houseproud than men?

[Anordinarymum]

So many threads on here talking about the end of a marriage with one of the main contributing factors being that men refuse to do housework saying it's not their job - prompt me to ask the following questions..

Is it do you think our own fault for ending up like a maid to our other halves simply because we have a better eye for cleaning and making the house presentable ?

Is it because we get the 'nesting' instinct as a result of having babies and a pattern develops which is hard to break?

I think there is a combination of reasons for women being landed with the responsibility to look after the home; with another one being that men tend to have been looked after by a generation of women who thought is was their job to wait on men hand and foot, and they automatically slide into that role when they get married?

It's s shame when a marriage becomes a toil of a pleasure for the woman simply because her OH is lazy don't you think ?

[BarbaraofSeville]

In some cases it depends what each party thinks is reasonable and whether or not a compromise can be agreed upon.

If you're coming from the starting point where one person thinks the bathroom needs cleaning every day and the other is happy to leave it for a month or more then it's going to take a lot of work to get them to meet in the middle and not have the once a day person feeling that everything is left for them to do and the once a month person feeling that the other is trying to badger them into doing work that doesn't need doing.

[Bluntness100]

I’m defintely more house proud and a bit more anal about mess than my husband. It’s not he doesn’t see it, he just doesn’t care as much. Where as I don’t like mess at all.

We have a cleaner though, and I tidy as I go, I also make him do his fair share, as in it’s your turn to clean up after dinner tonight, etc etc. However I do tidy more than him, but I need to own this, because the fact I don’t like a dirty cup left lying is my issue. It’s not really a big deal.

On the other hand though I’ve never done more than fifty percent of the cleaning or child care, he launders and irons his own clothes, I don’t get involved, and don’t get the whole doing most of it yourself thing.

[BogRollBOGOF]

Mainly socialisation. DH and I were both raised by SAHMs. I'm.a SAHM, but guess who fell in the trap of doing more when I did work f/t... For me, the slippery slope was because my formal working hours ended earlier so it was more practical for me to cook and get the shopping if we wanted to eat by 9:30pm. On balance our work hours were comparable as my work came home with me in the evening. I also picked up the catch up in the school holidays. We happened to fall in with and suit traditional male/ female occupations, but the working structure of those fed into home life. When our DCs needed more time than we could spare working 100+ hours a week between us, it would have been financial idiocy to scrimp on DH's masculine job, money and progression. Much better value for me to make the sactifice at half the financial cost and lose the inefficient hours.

When children get thrown into the mix, women seem to be far more proactive about dealing with baby/ child's needs. I know many involved active dads, but they do tend to revert to dealing with their needs first and needing pointing to deal with their offspring.

In terms of actually doing housework, DH and I have very different approaches and he is better at tidying as he goes and completing a job. My attention span goes by then. I'm a blitz and deep clean person but can't deal with the random stuff to tidy. I need to see the dramatic change. I can't tidy as I go as I forget what the primary objective was and end up with washing up sorted at the cost of dinner burning and horribly late.

[Stompythedinosaur]

I dont think women are more household, I think society judges women more harshly if their house isn't perfect.

[Timestoodstilll]

What Stompythedinosaur said, in my experience.I am rubbish at organising and cleaning and don't take any personal satisfaction from keeping a pristine house. How some people, both men and women, hae judged me as a person for that is I think not how they would judge a man. Yes, they might judge his messiness but they wouldn't see it as him failing at being a human being.

[Jenasaurus]

When I read the title of this thread I realise I am probably a man :)

Seriously, although I like a tidy home, I can be very lazy and would love someone else to do it all.

[Anurulz]

@Stompythedinosaur

I dont think women are more household, I think society judges women more harshly if their house isn't perfect.

This ^^
I probably wouldn't care unless the baby's things where not in order (blame nesting for this - I was so diff before being a mum) but when the house is not "perfectly" cleaned, guess who gets the blame? Not DH, but me..

[Lockdownseperation]

@Stompythedinosaur

I dont think women are more household, I think society judges women more harshly if their house isn't perfect.

I agree with this!

I also get sensory overload in clutter.

[Seeingadistance]

I am not house proud, at all!

However, my ex husband clearly saw housework as my work, even when I worked longer hours than him, and especially when I was working and we had a child. All child-related tasks also became mine.

Yes, not all men, but the overwhelming majority of men do simply abdicate responsibility for anything they can’t be arsed with to the woman in the house. And society has encouraged this attitude, to greater or lesser degrees, for generations.

Patriarchy and socialisation.

[Haworthia]

Socialisation.

[cretelover]

"When children get thrown into the mix, women seem to be far more proactive about dealing with baby/ child's needs. I know many involved active dads, but they do tend to revert to dealing with their needs first and needing pointing to deal with their offspring."

I think it depends on the Dad. My DH us the complete opposite, he will give DD his full attention, unlike me who is sat here on my phone. That also means however than he won't get anything else done, tidying or whatever.

[sickofnickelodeon]

One of the positives of the current shitshow is that there is no threat of uninvited guests I like a clean and tidy house but we all work, live in the real world and are bone tired at the end of the day. Constantly trying to keep on top of the detritus of 5 humans is a job in itself and we have the right to switch off at the end if the day. Doesn't matter if you're male or female.

[bluebluezoo]

It’s socialisation.

Men just aren’t raised to see housework as their responsibility. So it doesn’t occur to them to do it.

Baby girls are still being given toy hoovers and kitchens and model female roles. Dh’s parents always commented on how much girl grandchildren enjoyed being given a duster and helping nanny with the cleaning. The boy grandchildren weren’t encouraged to “help” as they preferred watching tv 🙄

I have known 3 men in my life who proactively did housework without being nagged or needing to be told. All, very sadly, lost their mums at a young age so learned to do housework from their dads.

Men need to learn it’s their responsibilty. They can hold down jobs without needing step by step instructions, so they can get a vacuum out without being told.

[AuntieMarys]

Dh does most of the housework...he enjoys cleaning! Who am I to stop him? I am very tidy and organised, so house never gets messy.
I do most of the cooking.

[Palavah]

Mostly, socialisation from a very early age, almost from the moment we're born.

I have had boyfriends who went to boarding school, ex-military, and neither of those who are all naturally tidier than me.

[jdoejnr1]

This sums up the differences well. Men don't buy sofa cushions for their living rooms they buy gaming chairs. So the argument i guess is, why do women try to make men do more work, why don't women just do less?

[ComicePear]

DH is definitely more houseproud than me - I'm happy living in a bit of a mess. This may be because his mum was a SAHM, while mine worked full time so had less time for cleaning.

Before we had kids we did equal amounts of housework. Now, I work part time (so the DC don't have to go to after school childcare every day) and he works full time, so I do more housework.

It's purely a time thing though, not an inclination thing.

[TibetanTerra]

I think men who have lived alone tend to be better at being proactive, though that's not to say that when a woman moves in they won't default to not bothering as there's someone else to do it. IME men who have always lived with parents and in houseshares tend to ignore mess and dirt

[Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor]

Since ExDH and I separated, he keeps his house clean and tidy enough. Clothes are washed, meals are cooked and cleaned up after, bathroom and kitchens are clean enough etc.
But there's no homeliness at all, and things like he doesn't clean the shower screen or clean marks off the hallway wall etc.
I feel like if I lived like that people would judge me as not being very houseproud, but probably think he's doing a good enough job - which he is.
I like the finishing touches too, so there is that, but definitely the judging thing is true.

[Fannybawz]

It’s lack of training NOTHING MORE

Train your sons!
Don’t let them be the slobs of tomorrow, Please don’t land some future woman with a man who thinks it’s not their job. It’s basic self care.

My Husband never raised a finger growing up

My sons do!

[Anordinarymum]

@Stompythedinosaur

I dont think women are more household, I think society judges women more harshly if their house isn't perfect.

Do you know I think it's women themselves who judge their own home. Nobody else gives a fig if the truth be known - except evil mother in laws who look for something to beat you with i.e. dust on tops of doors/skirting boards/cupboards/the children/the dog..LOL

evil larf

[Anordinarymum]

@Fannybawz

It’s lack of training NOTHING MORE

Train your sons!
Don’t let them be the slobs of tomorrow, Please don’t land some future woman with a man who thinks it’s not their job. It’s basic self care.

My Husband never raised a finger growing up

My sons do!

Completely agree.

My son is a better cook than me. Mind you, these days probably anyone is a better cook than I :(

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

@jdoejnr1

This sums up the differences well. Men don't buy sofa cushions for their living rooms they buy gaming chairs. So the argument i guess is, why do women try to make men do more work, why don't women just do less?

This is Kaffe Fassett in one of his more tamer rooms.

[Anordinarymum]

Joking aside though, it's the complete lack of everything really.. not just cleaning... why do husbands fall short on child care also.. is it because they are again lazy or perhaps feel their OH does it so much better and then another pattern starts of non compliance ?

[vanillandhoney]

I don't know. My dad and my FIL are both much more house proud than my DM and my MIL, whereas I'm far more houseproud than DH, who really couldn't care less and doesn't see the point in doing most things as "nobody's going to see apart from us".

I work part-time and DH full-time so I currently do 90% of the housework as we don't have children. I have ASD and can't cope with full-time work but I find housework quite theraputic and I like my house to be in order. I grew up with a clean home but it certainly wasn't spotless.

I think it's probably a mixture of several things - personality, how you were raised, gender roles and the balance of labour you have in your own marriage.