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Original poster

Dealing with a sudden death (my mum)

95 replies

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:00

She died yesterday, was gone by the time I got to her (about 45 mins after getting the call that paramedics were trying to revive her). Unexplained so it will require a post mortem.

I know there are counselling services etc but I'm just wanting to hear from people who have been in this position and how you feel after some time passes.

She text me at 9am and was dead by 11am. I know for her this was the best way but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get my head round what happened?

OP posts:

longtimemarried · 22/09/2020 17:03

Crunchy - so sorry for your loss it must have been a terrible shock for you. My husband died recently and believe me I am still trying to get my head round the fact he is not here anymore. No advice to give but I do hope in time you will be able to come to terms with this rather sad passing.

PragmaticWench · 22/09/2020 17:06

I couldn't read and run, I lost my Mum at the end of June in rather sudden circumstances. We were told on the Tuesday that an unusual illness wasn't curable and she was gone by the Wednesday.

You'll be in deep shock now, it'll protect you and get you through the next few days.

I found myself very foggy for months.

Have you got any family to support you, or close friends? Please make sure you eat/drink, it's easy to forget.

Original poster

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:07

Sorry to hear about your loss @longtimemarried I'm sorry for your loss and hope you are coping?

I can only imagine how my poor dad (her husband of 42 years) must feel. He had to administer CPR on her until the ambulance came.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:08

Bless you @PragmaticWench (love the username too!)

Its utterly shut isn't it?

Thankfully have my dad and siblings as well as a wonderful partner and his family
(I'm very close to my MIL)

It just feels so.... so what?? I don't know. I'm rendered wordless.

OP posts:

hanahsaunt · 22/09/2020 17:11

I am so very sorry. This happened with my dad - he just didn't arrive to pick up my mum from work. It's so, so brutal to lose someone this way. Please be very very kind to yourself and don't hurry - it takes a long time to process and adjust.

BrandyandBabycham · 22/09/2020 17:12

So sorry OP, what a dreadful shock for you 💐💐💐I think it’s different for everybody but I would guess it won’t really hit you for quite some time. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.

HollowTalk · 22/09/2020 17:12

That is so, so sad.

PJPops · 22/09/2020 17:13

So sorry - take care of yourself.

Proudling · 22/09/2020 17:14

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
We lost DSM (but as close as a DM) last year suddenly. An accident followed by a few days clinging to hope in the hospital, but then support turned off.
I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ve even had time to really process it yet.

My only comfort is that I’m sure she went the way she would’ve wanted to, albeit 10 years too soon.
I think, as with all things, time is the only thing that dulls it. But it never truly leaves you. For you OP

Original poster

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:18

Sorry to hear of so much sadness. I guess this post is a bit "misery loves company" if I'm honest.

Just want to be reassured it gets easier. I know it will but I think I just need to hear it

OP posts:

Proudling · 22/09/2020 17:20

It will very much get easier.

Google the “ball in the box” grief analogy. It really helped me understand why some days I’d be fine and other days it would randomly hit me.

You’ll absolutely be ok eventually.

Fedupwithpeople · 22/09/2020 17:22

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum very suddenly 14 years ago and I still find it painful at times when I think about it. My dad called me to say she had collapsed and he was trying to give her a cup of tea he'd made for her. I ended up calling the ambulance for her as my dad was just incapable of doing it. I lived about 500 miles away and had 3 kids under 5. I felt I had to go there immediately but was talked out of it by my husband and friends and booked a flight for the next morning. Then she died at midnight from sepsis.

It's numbing and I just felt like a robot really for weeks. It was like my brain couldn't compute the information properly.

1990shopefulftm · 22/09/2020 17:23

You ve lost the person who brought you into the world, anything you re feeling could be considered normal. My dad died in 2004 when I was 9, it was very unexpected and it took me years to deal with and I was never quite the same afterwards but in time I found ways to live my life and be happy again. I ve lost a fair few other people since and each time I might change a bit but that's not a bad thing in my mind.

PragmaticWench · 22/09/2020 17:23

I can say that after three months it's not 'hit' me yet, I've kept myself insanely busy and make myself think of something else. I suspect it will get less huge at some point, I think you learn to live with the gap in your life.

Don't put yourself under any pressure to achieve anything over the next few weeks. Glad you have a close family, that will really help.

RefuseTheLies · 22/09/2020 17:24

It gets easier. I lost my mum very suddenly four years ago. It took me a while to function properly again, but you adjust in time and it gets less raw. Be kind to yourself - grieving is hard work, all consuming and exhausting.

I’m sorry for your loss

Original poster

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:25

It is how she would have wanted to go and her mental health had been appalling of late (panic, anxiety, agoraphobia for her whole life but she really spiralled in lockdown) but for us its just incomprehensible.

OP posts:

TheRealJeanLouise · 22/09/2020 17:27

I’m so sorry @Crunchymum. I lost my own mum in a similar way 8 years ago. All I can say is take one day at a time and move as slowly as you want through this. It’s a tough road but it becomes bearable with kindness and time

Cantdecidewhich · 22/09/2020 17:30

I am so sorry for your loss and totally understand how you feel. My Mum was in good health and she had a fall in the night, banged her head and died. My brother who lives 50 miles away rang me at work the next day and said she was not answering the phone, I went straight away but didnt have my key so my DP (who picked me up) had to break the window to get in and sadly she was gone.
It is the most terrible shock for you and at first it just doesn't seem real and you just do what you have to do but after a while that wears off and the sadness starts.

However please do believe me the pain and sadness eases and all the good memories start to take over from the bad thoughts, please talk about it on here or anyone in RL and deal with it the way that you need to, trust me there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get easier.
Finally please make sure you take care of yourself it's what your Mum would have wanted. xx

PulpHorn · 22/09/2020 17:33

So sorry @Crunchymum.

I lost my dad in a similar way last year, complete blow out of nowhere. I was useless for a few days apart from superficially caring for my toddler and it was a few months before I could really deal with things and move forwards. Which is fine. I mainly took it out on my poor DH but he understood. Still very sad at times but I'm starting to see a way forward being thankful for the time we had and remembering happy times. Things will get easier but will never be the same again. Lots of love

Vix20678 · 22/09/2020 17:34

I lost my dad completely out of the blue on 6 March this year. He had an aortic aneurysm. Less than 6 months previously I lost my mum to a long drawn out decline with dementia. But my dad seemed really young and healthy and it was just so out of the blue.

Almost 7 months later I'm just about getting g used to it. We had to have a post mortem too as he was alone when he died and discovered by a neighbour. We didn't have a funeral or anything, I'm planning on a memorial once restrictions are lifted.

Anyway, I am so sorry you are in this position. It's very hard to accept they've gone for a long time. A huge shock as well and very hard to process. I'm doing a lot better than I would've expected and hope you will too but it's very early days xx

ilovebagpuss · 22/09/2020 17:44

@Crunchymum so sorry for your loss and shock. I lost my mum out of the blue 2 years ago from a stroke. I found the bereavement board very helpful there is a lovely thread for those who have lost a parent specifically.
It is looked after by a lovely poster and I found It helped reading how others were managing and it made me feel less alone as none of my friend group have lost a parent.
2 years on it is easier but still I think about her and miss her every day. I can still live around that loss of course and enjoy life but it’s there at the centre.
Just look after yourself and be guided by your feelings some days you will feel ok and don’t feel bad about that life always carries on amongst the grief.

Pyjamaface · 22/09/2020 17:46

My Dad died suddenly last year. TBH I think I'm only just coming out of the shock, everything has been sort of foggy and wrong since then. Certainly the first few months I was very much spaced out and just going through the motions.

I am very sorry for your loss .

SoEverybodyDance · 22/09/2020 17:53

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I lost both my parents within a very short space of time. Getting through the funerals, giving them the best send off was good. It kept me busy, involved with their lives and that was helpful. I felt very lost for a long time afterwards though. For a long time I couldn't believe or accept it. I think that denial was a protective mechanism that helped me in the acute stages of grief. Getting through the first year is hard with a sort of silence that marks all celebrations, birthdays, Christmas etc... After the first year it was somehow easier. I still think of them every day. I think I always will. Good luck to you, be gentle on yourself...

Original poster

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 18:00

Thank you, each and every reply is much appreciated.

I just cannot process that this is it. I'll never hear her voice again, or kiss her or hug her or moan to her. She'll never see her grandkids grow and thrive. I cannot comprehend how my dad will cope. They were married 42 years but together for over 45. They had never been apart.

OP posts:

LadyFlumpalot · 22/09/2020 18:02

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum two years ago, not suddenly though. Please take time to process and grieve. I didn't and I'm suffering for that now.

The ball in the box analogy is very apt. For the first few months it hurt every second of every day. Now it only hurts every now and then. It still hurts with the same intensity but it's not constant anymore.

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