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Original poster

Dealing with a sudden death (my mum)

95 replies

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 17:00

She died yesterday, was gone by the time I got to her (about 45 mins after getting the call that paramedics were trying to revive her). Unexplained so it will require a post mortem.

I know there are counselling services etc but I'm just wanting to hear from people who have been in this position and how you feel after some time passes.

She text me at 9am and was dead by 11am. I know for her this was the best way but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get my head round what happened?

OP posts:

Emmapeeler2 · 23/09/2020 08:07

I lost my Dad last year suddenly at 71. He died in his sleep on father's day. I was in shock for quite a while I think. I think it took me about six months to come out of the immediate fog of him dying and now I am processing the sadness of him not being here for so much. I have been supporting my mum through it so my sadness has in a way come second. I am not sure if that's healthy or not but focussing on my Mum and what needed doing has been good for me.

A kind neighbour I was friends with died suddenly this week and all those feelings came back. I still can't get my head around how for some people, they are seemingly happy, active with no sign of anything wrong then can just go without warning. For those people I am convinced it is the best way, but for those left behind, the sadness that suddenly you will never see them again is overwhelming at the time.

Sending you

DorothyHarris · 23/09/2020 11:37

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died last October, went to bed with a stomach ache and was dead the next morning, he was 61. In two weeks it will be a year. I'm still struggling to process it and I still think, fuck my dad isn't here anymore, it's easier now but still catches me by surprise. My sympathies to you OP, its thoroughly dreadful xx

Original poster

Crunchymum · 23/09/2020 16:27

Thank you to everyone who posted. I was in a very heightened state of shock and sadness yesterday. Today has been a much better day.

I know it ebbs and flows and I know there are many more tears to shed and recriminations to be had.

But to l know I can feel like I do today (day 3!!) is very reassuring.

OP posts:

HeronLanyon · 23/09/2020 20:11

Op - apologies for some levity but I remember my day 3 after shock sudden death of my mum (kind rambling thread hopefully supportive thread above)

Was on a train down to her house (that was my life weekly fo a long time). Hadn’t sunk in yet. Lovely train guard sat opposite and said ‘so what you up to going to x’. I told him matter of factly that my mum had died two days ago etc. The shock in his face and the woman sitting next to me. The three of us ended up having a really lovely chat about death and shock and their mums and my mum. Honestly I will never thank those two strangers enough. A moment of bizarre normality just chit chatting. Those moments are good they are useful in between all of the awful god and grief. It ebbs and flows. My be ok throughout. It won’t always feel it. Between the tears you’ll share some laughs and lovely memories. How you feel is just how you feel.
Support op.

Bargebill19 · 23/09/2020 20:12

Op feel how you need to feel. There are no rights or wrongs when dealing with grief. Good to know you are taking it as it comes.

But if you get angry and need to vent, I can throughly recommend buying all the cheap China you can get at a charity shop and throwing it against a wall of your home. Very satisfying and a safe outlet. (Mind no windows etc).

Emmapeeler2 · 23/09/2020 21:19

@HeronLanyon that is lovely. The conversations I have had with people who 'get it' (usually because they too have lost a parent) have often stayed with me too. I have talked about my Dad to anyone who will listen this year and it really helps.

I also recommend the Joan Didion book, A Year of Magical Thinking.

Original poster

Crunchymum · 24/09/2020 10:15

I've come down with a head cold today (no covid symptoms!!) so I'm unable to see my dad and siblings hope I haven't passed my germs onto them

I've asked my sister to support my dad in chasing the coroner today as we still don't have any idea about time frames and whether it will need to be post mortem (or something more? Or less I don't even know how it works)

We also want to move her body to a closer funeral director. I have already made the decision I will not see her body. In fact its something we had discussed and its in her funeral plans

(Mum was an eternal planner, a huge list maker and would write everything in her journal / diaries. A sudden death of a family friend last year prompted both her and my dad to put their funeral requests in writing)

We know her chosen music, what she wants in the coffin with her, what type of coffin she wants, what she wants us to wear, what she wants re: flowers and what she wants us to do after.

There was a lot of information???? But we saw the struggle other people had after a sudden death (arguments about arrangements, people falling out) so my ever organised mum has avoided this for us.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 24/09/2020 10:49

I'm so sorry for your loss @Crunchymum. I hope you can find peace and can remember all the good memories of your time with her.

Inextremis · 24/09/2020 11:08

My Mum died in similar circumstances 33 years ago. I can remember it like it was yesterday. For the first two weeks, the family turned inwards - my Dad, my grandmother and my aunt (Dad's sister) saw each other every day, and really didn't see anyone else apart from officialdom. We just hugged a lot, and talked a bit, and made arrangements for the funeral. After the funeral we gradually moved back into 'outside' life - but it took a good two years for any of us to begin to feel fully stable again. It was a terrible shock - and you have to give yourself time to recover. You can't avoid grief, you can't get around it, you have to go through it - but my advice is to hold your family close, talk when you want to about your Mum, and recognise that it will take a long time before you get back on an even keel. You have my sympathy and all my best wishes.

Original poster

Crunchymum · 25/09/2020 10:14

We've finally spoke to the coroners and they have said it could be another week before they even do their preliminary investigation. So we're in this horrible limbo and my mum's body is on the coroners morgue

I'm also feeling rotten with a horrible head cold so I'm at home today and feeling useless / helpless.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 25/09/2020 15:07

That kind of delay is not unusual , we waited a week for a PM on my mum and that was in 2019 with no Covid .

Original poster

Crunchymum · 25/09/2020 15:31

Thanks, yeah my best friend lost her dad in not too dissimilar circumstances a few years ago and it took almost a month between death and cremation, so I was expecting a delay.

Its still tough though.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 25/09/2020 15:35

It is indeed , what made it worse for us was that I had spoken to the coroners assistant several times and after the PM when I spoke to her I asked if i needed to ring the funeral director to go and collect and she assured me they would deal with it . That was a Friday and we had arranged to go and sort the funeral on the following Wed and when we got there and were discussing bamboo / wicker coffins ( which my adult ds wanted her to have ) and sizes they had no idea because they hadn’t been told to collect her ☹️

Original poster

Crunchymum · 28/09/2020 13:30

How has it been a week already?

I have gone back to work today (I am WFH otherwise there would have been no chance)

I have year's worth of emails to and from my mum on my work laptop. We used to email everyday. I've never worked a day and not emailed her.

OP posts:

LittleCabbage · 28/09/2020 17:42

It must be tougher WFH than it would be at a place of work with other people to distract you.

Make sure you save those emails properly. They may be too painful to look at now, but I'm sure will be a great source of comfort in the future.

Squiffany · 28/09/2020 17:44

Applepieandcustardandicecrem · 28/09/2020 17:50

Just so so sorry OP.
Sending you love

ninecoronas · 28/09/2020 18:39

Hi @Crunchymum. I'm so sorry about your mum, today must have been hard. I too lost my lovely dad suddenly earlier this month and I think it has been particularly hard because of this year and everything involved, so go easy on yourself if it all feels very weird.

Dad had been shielding for something completely unrelated and being so careful, and making plans for "when all this is over" and what he would be able to do. Going to see him at the hospital to say goodbye (he couldn't hear us) was one of the few times I'd seen him this year. It's so unfair. I've found it has been helpful to think of plans for a better sendoff when we're able to get all his friends and family together again, whenever that might be. My thoughts too to @Bupkis, it really is shit to lose a parent any time but not to have the usual support and memorials is so harsh. I'm trying not to get angry about it because what's the point? Also he wouldn't have liked it! I have lost people before and I think time does help but at the same time I wouldn't want to fast-forward now because I'm not ready, if you know what I mean.

Shieldingending · 28/09/2020 22:18

I'm so sorry for your loss @crunchymum and everyone else who has been though the loss of a parent

foreverandalways · 28/09/2020 22:45

I missed a call from my wonderful mum two hours before she died in the most awful way 7 years ago....I haven't even begun grieving yet as I am worried about my dad.....she died in his arms before I got there...police woke me up to tell me what happened..I am sorry for your loss..take a day at a time....one step at a time......

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