Dealing with a sudden death (my mum)

[Crunchymum]

She died yesterday, was gone by the time I got to her (about 45 mins after getting the call that paramedics were trying to revive her). Unexplained so it will require a post mortem.

I know there are counselling services etc but I'm just wanting to hear from people who have been in this position and how you feel after some time passes.

She text me at 9am and was dead by 11am. I know for her this was the best way but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get my head round what happened?

I lost my dad 20 years ago. Aortic aneurysm. Vey quick for my dad for which I’m thankful. But utterly shocking for the family. I did cpr until the ambulance arrived.
I’m so sorry for you all.
All I can say is time, time literally made it easier to process and deal with. One day you will realise you are laughing at a funny family joke and no longer crying, from there it gets easier to cope with. Take time off from work if you can, get counselling if you can - you can say all those things we aren’t allowed to openly say. Medication may help.
But please just take time and process it bit by bit, don’t be rushed. Cry, scream and talk as you need. There aren’t time limits on grief.

Sorry for your loss op, I lost my mum suddenly 5 years ago - passed away in her sleep, I was numb for months but it’s true that each day gets a little easier. Give yourself time to grieve, I get sad that my mum will miss her grandchildren growing up but glad that they did meet her and they have lovely memories of her, I miss her terribly but the memories are far greater

Honey, sending so much love.

My Mum called me at 9am, cheerily told me she was off to the Gym later (she was 80 and as fit as a flea). She took the dog out on his usual long walk and died on the park at the bottom of her street. She'd had a huge heart attack.
The police came and fetched me from work. I knew before I got to the hospital she'd gone. That was two years ago.

I still go to call her. The shock didn't leave for a few months. It affected me massively. I didn't get to say goodbye. That was bloody unfair.
On the other hand I now think if she could choose to go thats how it would be. She had a fear of illness, becoming a burden. To go quickly like that would have pleased her.

Keep talking about her, don't bottle up how you feel. It's still raw so look after yourself. It always hurts, but that hurt becomes more bearable as time passes.

All my love to you

My DM died suddenly. I saw her at lunchtime and got a call early evening from my dad telling me to come quick. I was two minutes away and I didn't know what had happened. The front door was wide open, I had flashbacks for months at seeing her body as I ran up the stairs. Ambulance service was on strike. Six policemen turned up in a minibus. I realised it was too late for CPR and my dad was hysterical. We had no real idea why she had died until the PM which said blocked arteries in her heart. I got straight into practical mode and organised the funeral, everything. That kept me going. I just wanted to do the best for her. It really hit when the funeral was over. No calls from her was so strange. I sorted out all her stuff to keep busy. I felt as if I had a limb missing. I still miss her like crazy. It gets easier in time when you have to accept they are no longer going to be a part of your life. At first I couldn't remember her voice or her face. It was a blank. I have memory lapses from that time. I've now outlived her by two years but she still appears in my dreams. I hope my experience will be of some help. It really is the most horrible thing. I am so sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in may in very similar circumstances. Mum gave cpr, paramedics were working in him when I arrived. They were also married for 42 years.
I was devastated, we were so close. I’m still devastated but I’m coping. I miss him everyday and he’s always there in my mind. I think about him all the time and there are tears most days. But I can still feel happy about things, mainly my kids, home etc.
Everyone grieves differently, just take each day as it comes. Immediately after I just used to try and get through each day, by bedtime I’d think right I’ve got through another one, and then another and another etc. I wanted to just fast forward time to when it wouldn’t hurt. Truth is, it’s always going to hurt but you learn to cope. Keeping busy and distracting myself is my coping method xx

So sorry for your loss op. No advice. But sending hugs

So sorry for your loss op. I also lost my mum very suddenly 12 years ago. The first 12 months were hard. I was in shock. There was no opportunity to say goodbye and I just kept reliving that day. One day I'd realised I'd gone all day without crying and it got easier from there. I still miss her terribly and with every occasion or milestone it was so sad without her there. She never saw me get married or met any of her grandchildren. She was only 49 and I was angry that the world could take someone so young. 12 years later, life is good. I'm close to my dad. She's always with me and I see her whenever I look in the mirror.
It's utterly shit that so many ladies on here have lost a loved one in such traumatic circumstances

So sorry op

Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes!
Dnt think about tomorrow just take it day by day.
We are all here for you.

I've lost both my parents
It's hard

As I say take care of yourself
Lots of hugs 💐💐

I'm so sorry for your loss @Crunchymum, what a terrible shock for you and your family. Sending and a handhold

Big hugs and take it one day at time. I am so sorry for your loss.

@Crunchymum I'm so sorry about your Mum. This book really helped me when my Dad died suddenly:

amazon.co.uk/I-Wasnt-Ready-Say-Goodbye/dp/1402212216/ref=smi_www_rco2_go_smi_g1386836776?_encoding=UTF8&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0&ie=UTF8]]

I’m so sorry for your loss @Crunchymum. How devastating to lose your Mum so unexpectedly.
I lost my younger brother suddenly earlier this year and spent the first few months in complete shock, devastation and denial. I still have trouble accepting that he’s gone.

Please lean on those around you in these early days and the weeks to come. It’s very easy to close yourself off but let people support you.
Sending you my deepest condolences and best wishes

You may never learn to get your head around what happened, but you will begin to accept it. It may take a long time.
For now, all you have to do is keep on living and trying to put one foot in front of the other IYSWIM.
I'm sorry.

Very sorry for your loss 💐
I lost my beloved dad 7 years ago.
Sudden cardiac arrest.
Dh and I did cpr but...
The shock is visceral. Physical. Do not underestimate how it will make you feel...headaches, nausea, even joint pains...all are normal physical reactions to sudden shock.
At the time I never thought I would smile again. The pain seemed all encompassing.
Now the losses still as painful, but not as raw.
I miss him terribly but I can now listen to his favourite songs or read one of his favourite books without sobbing.
The bereavement never gets better but you get better at bearing it.
Take care x

OP I'm so sorry.

Agree with those saying take this a day at a time. You can't predict these things, and her passing so suddenly must have been a terrible shock. Take care of yourself.

another book I recommend is "you'll get over it: the rage of bereavement" nby Virginia ironside.
Not all aspects of grieving are expected

My DM was killed in a car accident aged 69. Here one minute, gone the next. I hadn't seen her for two weeks prior as we'd both been on separate holidays.
My DF had already died some years before aged 54. I had to work and look after the Dc whilst organising her funeral, wind up her estate and sell the family home of 50 years. It felt like a bad dream for a long time.
It's now been four years and I think of her everyday, but although grief comes unexpectedly it does get easier.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum died in extremely sudden circumstances six years ago. It was shit, but I did gradually come to terms with it.

To begin with, everything I saw or did would remind me that she'd never get to see or do that thing again. No more looking at sunsets, no more eating cake, no more walks on the beach... And then, over time, the level of the things I was thinking of were more like 'she'll never get to unblock a plughole again' and while I was indeed still very sad and yes, there's a lot to be said for the everyday, it somehow signalled to me that I was learning to manage.

Hugs to you, OP. Wishing you all the best and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can completely relate. I lost my mum very suddenly back in June this year. She was only 57 and wasn’t unwell - it came as a complete surprise. I spoke to her at 11pm the Sunday night and Monday morning I found her in bed. The feelings that I experienced for those first days and weeks are indescribable. I just felt this huge sense of emptiness and loneliness and it was overwhelming. It’s still relatively early days - only 4 months ago- but I am slowly but surely starting to come to terms with it. It’s not a case of “getting over it” it’s about learning to live with it and continue living. I feel like since it happened the world has become a bit grey and you may feel the same way over the next coming weeks and months. I don’t seem to feel emotions as strongly as I used to - even the good things haven’t seemed as good anymore. It’s a bit like a numb feeling. However, over the past week or so, a bit colour has started to come back - not like it was but I’m slowly getting there. I know my mum would want me to carry on as normal and live my life in the best way I can and yours would be the same. What’s helped me get through it is refusing to pity myself and wallow in my misery. It’s been hard but it’s so important to keep going as much as you can. Keep getting out of bed, keep getting dressed, keep on living. I’m so sorry for your loss

Dear OP

I'm so sorry to hear your news. My mum died 4 years ago. The first I knew was to get a phone message from my sister whilst I was at a conference. I called back and she told me my my mother had collapsed and died. In a deep blurry shock I got on the tube to go to my parents flat. A very kind woman handed me a tissue as I sat silently weeping on the tube. I saw my Mum's body where she lay dead on the flloor awaiting the undertakers. I said my goodbyes, kissed her and cried.

I always said it was a good death for her but a bad death for us. She was the purest, kindest person I ever met.

What can I say about how it feels? Like a blurry fog of emotion at least for 3 months. I read a eulogy for her at her funeral choked with emotion. I took my father to register he death and to the undertakers. I felt enormous guilt of whether I'd been a good enough daughter, I reminisced about my childhood with my sisters, I wept, I spoke to her in the car, in the kitchen. I cried myself to sleep. I felt robbed of telling her how much |I loved her and how much she had done for me.

In time it got easier. When we cleared out her stuff 4 or 5 months later I read her diaries and saw how much I had visited. I re-read the letters she sent me at university, I recognised what she had given me as a mother and how much she enjoyed my stories of life and adventure and of my children. But I definitely went through all the stages of grief - shock, grief, pain, disbelief.

Now all these years on I'm at peace. I love her and miss her but her love lives through us all. And I still talk to her now and again. Only time will heal. There are no short cuts to grief. Give yourself the time to feel it all - you will find peace but there's nothing that will ease it but your tears.

Big hugs.

So sorry for your loss.

Thanking each and every poster for taking the time to share, reassure and offer some hope.

Today has been difficult as my wonderful, strong, kind dad looked more defeated than I could ever imagine. He looked like he'd never be able to smile again, like he'd never have another moment of happiness again. I know he is just processing it and working through his own feelings but I've never seen him so broken.

@Bouledeneige

What a beautifully sad but also beautifully happy post.

I'm so sorry.