Is it easier to go to work than be a SAHM?

[celerystix]

Background: 14 month age gap between my two DC, DC1 is just over 2.5y and DC2 is 1.5y. This entire time I've been a SAHM and whilst I feel fortunate to have spent so much time with my toddlers, the last 2+yrs have been a bit of a blur, particularly DC2s first year of life when I had 2 under 2. It's slightly easier now as DC1 goes to preschool but I still have both DC from 12noon till bedtime everyday including all day every day during school holidays. It's exhausting and relentless. I'm exhausted.

I'm thinking of getting back to work and have made good traction with some recruiters who are putting me forward for roles. These are all full-time and well paid, enough to pay for a FT live-out nanny and still have a few hundred quid left over for myself.

I fantasise about commuting and reading the newspaper on the tube in peace. I fantasise about having the headspace to think what I'm going to have for lunch that day and maybe even squeeze a workout in over lunch break.

Is working out of the home easier than being a SAHM? Or am I being a complete fantasist about this all?

DH isn't bothered if I want to return to work or stay at home, he says he wants me to be happy and do what I want. I've tried to tell him that if I go back to work then home life will be split 50:50, 50% of night wakings, getting up in the mornings with DC and making breakfast etc. I currently do 90% of the childcare and 100% of the mental load.

@OverTheRubicon DH and I are very much 50/50, I would actually say he does more of the house stuff (I do more of the mental load stuff) we both grew up in houses where this was the case, I saw more of dad than I did mum and he mostly cooked and cleaned. These aren't miracle men, it happens and they're fully capable, if OP wants that, do it, just because plenty of couples don't set those expectations doesn't mean it isn't possible. Don't put up with anything else, more fool anyone who does.

Neither one is easier than than the other. They are different. They both have their plus and minus points. It’s not a competition

Definitely depends on your job. I worked for a year after my maternity ended and then I became a sahm. Bring a sahm is definitely much easier for me. I had a 3 year age gap between my children but not by choice.

"Is working out of the home easier than being a SAHM? Or am I being a complete fantasist about this all?"

It's not about what's easiest, it's about what right for you.
Sounds like you are chomping at the bit to go back to work outside the home.
I found being SAHM waaaaay harder than going back to job. But that's because being a SAHM isn't for me

SAHM is mindless, relentless, boring and no one but no one values you. So, I say get to work! (I’m a SAHM )

Hmm
I have 13 months between my two now in their 20s
I had my own company and worked from home when they were born so was able to scale back, and make it work for me most of the time as the only member of staff.
Then things changed as they do and I went back out to work full time. Minimal commute. Well it burned me out to be honest. By that time they were at school so different issues, but with the business travel I had to do and a very tricky boss on top of the usual work stress I simply couldn't cope and ended up very ill, but it's taken me years to see that.

I resigned in the end and have taken local part time jobs since which have left me with the mental energy at the end of the day to take an interest in what my children were saying/doing and parent them into the lovely girls they are today.

Please think very carefully before you do this, whilst you get a break from your children and the relentlessness of it all, you're actually adding much more stress to your life with a commute, a boss, targets of some kind, managing a nanny, parenting when you're exhausted from a day at work and ditto with running a home. If you can manage on the one salary is it worth putting yourself through all that?
Will your DH really step up and add to his load if you do go back or is he just saying it?

I wonder whether you'd find it less relentless when your youngest is a bit more self sufficient.

I am not a happy person being a SAHM, but there are some practical downsides:

The rush to get everyone up and out

Kids are inevitably ill constantly the first winter in childcare and with covid you need to keep them off and get them tested for coughs and temps so even more than usual, who would stay home and who can get home the quickest if nursery calls

when DC in school can you do any drops or pick ups? Hard to arrange playdates etc otherwise.

you get lots of little jobs done at home with the kids e.g. laundry in machine, cooking dinner (though they also trash the place so might balance out).

Imo close to home with nursery/childminder that feeds your kids is easier. But once they start school it's harder or you get more mum guilt for missing out on all the parent participation things, kids always at wraparound when tired etc.

Thanks @Di11y. We will have a nanny as the cost of two under 3s in day nursery in our area will be more than I take home and more expensive than a nanny! So I won't have the worry of having to take time off for illness etc.

There probably won't be a lot flexibility in the job but I might be able to swing a day or two WFH. It's not mega bucks, around the £50k mark (London salaries!!) but it's enough for a nanny with a little left over for myself.

Remember you and DH need plan B If your nanny gets sick - that was the only downside for me going from nursery with DC1 to a childminder with DC2 that you’re reliant on one person.

I had two under two and found it relentless in the day but I knew I was with them, could do little jobs here and there (washing, making tea etc) returned part time as a teacher and I used to look forward to my days off! It was the rushing in the morning to get to childcare and work, the guilt at not seeing them, picking them up, getting home and needing to give my full attention to them even though I was tired, getting on with tea, time with them, tidying after they were in bed plus work to do in the evenings. My friend was a SAHM and I know she envied the work social side but I envied having the freedom not to rush off everyday!

Would also say I never understand why people say it would make no sense for them to work because of the money. I had a few years where I made very little after childcare especially but I thought long term with job opportunities, pension etc and now it’s starting to get better and I’m glad I stuck with it.

Depends on how the workload is split when you are home?

My DP works away for several months of the year (home at weekends) so I'm on my own a lot. Working my paid job and then coming home to do everything on my own is hard. Very hard. I know single parents do it all the time without complaint but I'm not a single parent.

That said I don't enjoy being a full time SAHM. I've always gone back to work after ML and it's always been beneficial to my mental wellbeing.

I work 3 days per week and pre covid this was a balance that worked. Just about. Thankfully I have a lot of family support and a very flexible work place so things like kids illness could be managed.

Now I'm WFH and get none of the social benefits of going to work but I don't feel as stretched at home. I can stick a wash on / prep dinner / do bits and bobs in my breaks etc.

When my DP is home, life is much easier.

Meant to say I have 7yo, 5yo and 2yo. The toddler is disabled so we have extra appointments (weekly physio plus various medical things) which all fall to me.

Sometimes it is a lot of plates to spin and sometimes I drop a plate or two but for me personally I'd rather work than not.

(I appreciate flexible PT work is hard to come by!)

Would also say I never understand why people say it would make no sense for them to work because of the money. I had a few years where I made very little after childcare especially but I thought long term with job opportunities, pension etc and now it’s starting to get better and I’m glad I stuck with it.

Yes same, youngest DC starts school next year and I've been approved for term time working and am earning over £10k more even with the dedication for fewer hours per annum than when I started back. Not everyone has these opportunities of course, but if I'd have stayed off I'd be joining the many others looking ideally for term time or school hours work for low pay as they know people will accept it as they'll still be saving money.

Yes it is. I've done both and love going to work.

I’ve done sahm, to pre schoolers and school age, pt and ft! I’m glad I was at home with them when they were tiny, but by the time youngest was 3 (22 month gap between 2 dcs) I was desperate to go back to work! I found sahm isolating and I missed the mental stimulation, colleagues etc, I hated not earning! It was in no way difficult but just rather a ‘small’ life. I did lots of volunteering to keep my mind going - without playgroups etc I think my mental health would have really suffered. I had a year of sahm when the kids were both at school and omg it was boring! Now kids are at end of primary/ secondary and I’m ft - life is completely manic and I’m shattered by Friday but I love it! There is a lot of driving and the house looks like it’s been ransacked but Im busy and productive- earning + pension. I like that we aren’t solely dependent on dh’s salary. I think it’s good for dcs to see me working. I hate housework so I’d rather be earning and pay a cleaner now.

I never feel I'm missing out on the whole school mum thing, in fact I drop and run and I'm grateful not to have to listen to other people talk about their boring children

It's not easier, it's just different
I've done both and both have positives and negatives
A good support network and partner are essential to making both work
It can also depend on the kids personalities, needs and age gaps as well as your job / career and that of your partner
Both can be exhausting, relentless and both physically and mentally draining
Both can offer enriching experiences
Both can make you think the other will be better than what you are doing now

One reason I'm going full time is because I hate the school run. My DCs are at the school where I teach and will go to breakfast club there.

I've done both and I found being a SAHM way easier. Yes kids are hard work but I had no deadlines, didn't have to be anywhere at a specific time or rush about, could stay in my pyjamas all day if I wanted, had all the time in the world to keep on top of housework, do the food shopping at quieter times.

I work now and have to get up at 5am to get DS to breakfast club to be at work on time, have only a couple of hours in the evening to do housework and cook, and the pressure of being a good employee as well as a good parent.

I am a single parent though so everything is on me.

Too many variables I think:
How demanding is your job?
What's the commute and working hours?
How do you find being at home with the kids?
Will your dh pick up 50:50 in reality?

I found being at home easier than juggling a demanding job and then drop offs/ pick ups etc. But I love my job and I've progressed really well so it was worth it. I was also able to work 3 days per week.

Personally I think working FT is harder. I would only do it if financially it made a lot of sense and I could afford a cleaner.

It's a fantasy to think commuting is a break. There will be days trains don't run timely, and your nanny is charging you extra and grumbling because you are late again.

Your nanny and/or your kids will sometimes get sick and you may have to take time off work (or your OH will) to cover. Nanny will need holidays, too, so you'll have to take your family holidays to coordinate with her.

Nanny isn't going to clean or cook or launder your clothes; nanny won't buy the groceries or go shopping for you; nanny won't manage the household budget or do car maintenance or mow the lawns. Nanny won't take the kids to the dentist or get their hair cut.

So all the little jobs you currently squeeze into your SAHM days, suddenly have to be squeezed into weekends and after work.

Weekends suddenly become immensely precious because you miss your kids. Now you want to maximise your time with the kids but you have lots of chores to get done. And maybe grandparents want to see the kids, so you have to share your time with them.

For me, being a SAHM is immeasurably better than working FT.

It’s just different. I think it’s worth remembering that just because someone else is looking after the children in the day doesn’t mean there’s nothing to think about- there’s more juggling, there are stricter time constraints, there’s less opportunity to do the things that aren’t childcare (food shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, general family prep) so they’re all squashed in to the time you’re not at work- but then if both parents are working all that stuff should be shared between the two not just given to one (it can be difficult to make that sharing happen when you’ve been doing everything for years though) The kids still need putting to bed, getting up and dressed and you still need to get up in the night with them, it’s just you also have to work the next day. Everything needs to be squeezed in- I feel like I’m about 15min behind where I should be all the time, whether that’s with work or the kids.

That said......if I had my time again I’d still work when they were little. I love them to bits but I find care of small children relentless and generally thankless. My job is busy and stressful but I trained for 10 years to do it and I’m good at it. I (and consequently my children) would have suffered if I had stayed at home much longer than my maternity leave. I couldn’t have done it happily. But then I have plenty of friends who tell me they couldn’t do what I do either, so it’s horses for courses really.

Nanny isn't going to clean or cook or launder your clothes; nanny won't buy the groceries or go shopping for you...Nanny won't take the kids to the dentist or get their hair cut.
I worked as a Nanny and did all those things!

I vastly prefer working.