Is it easier to go to work than be a SAHM?

[celerystix]

Background: 14 month age gap between my two DC, DC1 is just over 2.5y and DC2 is 1.5y. This entire time I've been a SAHM and whilst I feel fortunate to have spent so much time with my toddlers, the last 2+yrs have been a bit of a blur, particularly DC2s first year of life when I had 2 under 2. It's slightly easier now as DC1 goes to preschool but I still have both DC from 12noon till bedtime everyday including all day every day during school holidays. It's exhausting and relentless. I'm exhausted.

I'm thinking of getting back to work and have made good traction with some recruiters who are putting me forward for roles. These are all full-time and well paid, enough to pay for a FT live-out nanny and still have a few hundred quid left over for myself.

I fantasise about commuting and reading the newspaper on the tube in peace. I fantasise about having the headspace to think what I'm going to have for lunch that day and maybe even squeeze a workout in over lunch break.

Is working out of the home easier than being a SAHM? Or am I being a complete fantasist about this all?

DH isn't bothered if I want to return to work or stay at home, he says he wants me to be happy and do what I want. I've tried to tell him that if I go back to work then home life will be split 50:50, 50% of night wakings, getting up in the mornings with DC and making breakfast etc. I currently do 90% of the childcare and 100% of the mental load.

I prefer working to being a sahm, but then I'm part time, my boss is very family orientated, and it's a job I can do and leave alone at 5pm (although I notice others at my level do log on when they shouldn't). The housework has taken a tumble which makes me a bit stressed but overall I'm better for working. Currently working from home which is great as well. I imagine if your boss / company doesn't understand the stresses of having young children, you worry about work when you're not at work etc it would be a different story. It was stressful organising childcare at the start, and nursery fees almost made it not financially viable but the balance has shifted in our favour with a small promotion (although fees increased as well).

It's worth trying to see how it works for you. The extra adult interactions are a definite bonus.

I should add I find my job easier than looking after children probably because I enjoy it, I get paid and it’s rewarding. The work itself is harder than being at home. This is why it depends on you and your family.

I found that even if you split the house jobs you will still have 100% of the mental load. My DH was very supportive but I still found this was the case.

I wouldn't say I find work easier in the fact that it is a challenging job, but for me I find it beneficial for my life to have the balance between work and being at home (and DC love being in nursery a few days a week!); so I guess overall I find being at work easier, if that makes sense. I did take extended mat leave and had 2 years off in total, I was so ready to go back by the end, I love my children but my MH was in tatters, and I hated being fully reliant on DH for money.

Be sure to get your DH to pick up the mental load too. The physical stuff can be outsourced. The mental stuff will double with work AND home and for me that was the most exhausting bit.

That said I have always been a WOHM mum and found it gave me something else for me not to mention I am now the sole breadwinner in our house and because I didn’t stop working have reached a senior level and earn enough. You can never tell what will happen in the future.

I found working harder but I only had one child at the time. If I'd had two back then, especially with a small age gap, I might have found working easier.

Also if you can afford a nanny I reckon that might be a bit of a game changer. I absolutely hated the stress of pick up and drop off and making sure they had what they needed for nursery. If you can avoid that, it may help massively.

I’ve never been an SAHM other than when on maternity leave so nothing to properly compare it to.
But It’s totally worth it to me. I trained for years to do my job and would feel like I’d wasted all of that if I didn’t go back to work. I need the mental stimulation and time away from the family to be a person in my own right. I also prefer to be financially independent. And I am not a natural maternal person or a “homemaker“! I’ve always worked part time and really value the time off with the kids rather than it feeling like Groundhog Day.
But I do think it makes life more complicated - childcare dropoffs and pickups, managing when they are sick/off school and trying to fit everything in like shopping and cleaning etc.
So it really needs a supportive partner to make sure that you are each picking up your fair share otherwise you end up doing everything on top of work which is not sustainable, and also outsourcing as much as possible - get a cleaner, get online food shops etc. And you do miss out on things like class assemblies depending how flexible the job is.

As pp have said I think it depends on far too many factors to simply say one is easier than the other.

DH isn't bothered , this is a bit worrying! What did he actually say when you explained a 50:50 split of the load? Pretty much all of my female friends who work full time also do all of the other shit too.

@OnlyToWin

I found that even if you split the house jobs you will still have 100% of the mental load. My DH was very supportive but I still found this was the case.

You need to delegate the mental load - which is itself having the mental load! But if you transfer a whole task/area - eg school admin, or food shopping, then you won’t have to think about it anymore

What's easier being a teacher or a stock broker? Working on your own or in a team? Public speaking or number crunching?

Like most things in life, there isn't an objectives easiest answer as there are too many variables. The most important being the kind of person you are, your skillset and what you enjoy.

@InDubiousBattle

As pp have said I think it depends on far too many factors to simply say one is easier than the other.

DH isn't bothered , this is a bit worrying! What did he actually say when you explained a 50:50 split of the load? Pretty much all of my female friends who work full time also do all of the other shit too.

This makes me so angry! It’s not the 1950s

Oh and just realised you will be having a nanny - that is well recommended - we had a nanny when our kids were young and it was sooo much easier than now (they are now school age so we are reliant on wraparound care etc).

I work full time and have a toddler and it does have a few down-sides -

Trying to commute and work on little sleep is exhausting, I drink a lot of energy drinks. Trying to deal with housework in the evening, sorting things out for DS, making lunches for the next day, etc is something I find very tiring. It's also stressful if my child is poorly or childcare falls through. DH doesn't help much with any of this although he thinks he does.

However I could never be a SAHM. It looks so mundane, I hated maternity leave for that reason. I love the time I get to myself on my commute, having a pee in peace at the office and drinking a hot cup of tea. Also the interaction with my colleagues each day. Although it feels tiring trying to juggle it all, I wouldnt change it.

You might find you are on the peripheral of two circles.
It's easy to envy the full time colleagues without kids who are floating through their tasks after a good night's sleep and going for drinks after work because they don't have to rush home for kids bedtime.
It's easy to envy the full time mums who just sit and drink coffee at the playground or doing play dates and build up strong circles where you always miss the invite, because you are at work.
So you really have to own your decision with confidence. Ideally befriend other working mums who "get" your situation. Know that while others have obvious perks to their life choices, there are perks to your choices too, which is why you chose this. A lot of advantages are in the comments above. Sometimes it's easy to forget them, especially if you are falling asleep into your morning coffee while your childless colleagues are discussing where to go for after work drinks.

For me if you can do it and it’s financially worth while, do it.

I’ve 2 children and being a stay at home would be lovely, but I also love going to work.
I enjoy the aspect of integrating with adults for the day and being someone else, my own identity. Someone who is well respected in the workplace and a financial equal to my husband.
I’ve always been financially equal, or earnt more so for me it was never a question of being a SAHM.

It’s hard work, I work 40 hour / 5 day week.
The youngest, 12 months , doesn’t sleep through the night, it’s exhausting as it’s non stop still, but I wouldn’t change it.

Go for it OP, what have you got to lose?

Why not trial it for a few months? Get a job, any job, cafe, retail etc, nothing flash and just see how you feel about it. If it's turns out you hate it and miss the kids, quit and no harm done. If you find you actually feel better and love it then take the next step and find a career (if that's what you want). Or maybe even just part time work? Best of both worlds kinda thing

I’ve 2 dc with autism ,out of school ,no place for them
I’d of loved to go to work for a break ,but no one would /could manage to look after them .
I’ve 4 kids altogether..
Yes you will get a break at work ,even if it’s just a lunch break
But can’t you put a dvd on for them at home ,so you can have a lunch break at home.
Some of my kids are now adults ,and they totally appreciate me having been there for them .
But had things of been different,I would of chosen to work

It's easy to envy the full time mums who just sit and drink coffee at the playground or doing play dates and build up strong circles where you always miss the invite, because you are at work.

This is where it varies and only you can make the decision, that sounds like hell to me; but many would find my job hellish.

@CatbearAmo exactly this!

Thanks everyone for your replies. Lots to think about!

I think it is different for everyone, but I realised on my first maternity leave that I am not cut to stay at home with DC all the time. Going to work brings added stress and complications: the guilt of leaving your children, the guilt of not giving everything to work and having to stay at home when DC are ill, trying to negotiate sharing the housework and childcare with DH etc etc. But for me, it brings seeing other people as a major benefit. I am anti-social and don't have any friends so didn't see any adults on maternity leave except DH and it was lonely. People say they go to work for a rest from DC, the chance to talk about something other than whats on cbeebies etc, the chance to drink a hot drink and go to the toilet in peace. My job is very much not a rest, it's 13hrs+ full on and there isn't necessarily the chance to drink a hot drink or eat a meal without being disturbed, and I still sometimes need to talk about what is on cbeebies, but it is a change from being at home, not easier but different.

It’s all easy until a DC needs hospital appointments. Ours was under consultant care and the time off required caused issues at work.

But long term it’s worth it

Both have pros and cons- as many have said part time is the ideal imo- but hard to get I understand. Personally I think it’s better to go back full time now, build yourself in a company and gain some flexibility once they are at school.

I was a sahm for four years. My own personal experience is that yes, working is far easier. I don't regret it and at the time I would say I enjoyed it, but looking back I wasn't as happy as I thought I was.

I had 2 under 2 (20 months apart) and went back to work full time when they were 9 months and almost 2.5 years old.

We had a cleaner and they went to nursery from 7:30am. I also found a uni student who would collect them from nursery, bring them home and help with feed, bath and bed. Laundry still needed doing, grocery shopping, preparing food... It was exhausting, but at the time, I thought that was normal.

After 1.5 years of this, we moved countries and I was a SAHM for 3 years. For that first month of SAHM I couldn't believe how relaxing it was. It really put into perspective how crazy life in London had become, even with help.

We then decided to have DS3. He's almost 5 years younger than DS2. I started back working full time when he was a year old. This time I hired in a housekeeper and it's been a game changer!

My housekeeper takes care of the mental load, cleaning, cooking and DS3 to nursery. The older DSs take a bus to school each day and thanks to Covid, I work from home full time.

I have my high flying career back and I'm home. I now understand more than ever why my husband had been able to be so successful at work as prior to the housekeeper, the mental load fell to me.

I would go for a housekeeper and nursery if budget allows.