Is it easier to go to work than be a SAHM?

[celerystix]

Background: 14 month age gap between my two DC, DC1 is just over 2.5y and DC2 is 1.5y. This entire time I've been a SAHM and whilst I feel fortunate to have spent so much time with my toddlers, the last 2+yrs have been a bit of a blur, particularly DC2s first year of life when I had 2 under 2. It's slightly easier now as DC1 goes to preschool but I still have both DC from 12noon till bedtime everyday including all day every day during school holidays. It's exhausting and relentless. I'm exhausted.

I'm thinking of getting back to work and have made good traction with some recruiters who are putting me forward for roles. These are all full-time and well paid, enough to pay for a FT live-out nanny and still have a few hundred quid left over for myself.

I fantasise about commuting and reading the newspaper on the tube in peace. I fantasise about having the headspace to think what I'm going to have for lunch that day and maybe even squeeze a workout in over lunch break.

Is working out of the home easier than being a SAHM? Or am I being a complete fantasist about this all?

DH isn't bothered if I want to return to work or stay at home, he says he wants me to be happy and do what I want. I've tried to tell him that if I go back to work then home life will be split 50:50, 50% of night wakings, getting up in the mornings with DC and making breakfast etc. I currently do 90% of the childcare and 100% of the mental load.

For me, there are pros and cons, I was happier and more confident as a working Mum. But the logistics of it, not so much, with 2 kids in 2 different childcare settings, difficult which is why I’ve waited until they are at school full time to return. But roll on that day!!

I wouldn't say it was easier to go to work, it's very busy and loads to cram into days off and evenings etc. But I hated being a SAHM to the point that with our second child me and DH split the maternity leave, I went back after 6 months and he did 3 months. I found it lonely, Boeing, monotonous and my brain wasn't stimulated - I do work in medical research so there's quite a bit of technical and brain work involved, but I craved this and the routine of going to work. Financially it made more sense too and due to my DH working shifts at the time we didn't need them in nursery full time so it worked out for us
Everyone is different though

I work part time 3 days a week. Those 3 days save my sanity - I can be alone for more than a minute! Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and that's ok. Don't take responsibility for everything though - your DH is jointly responsible for the running of the house and the children.

Depends how much you earn. If you’re earning a good salary in a fulfilling job, and you can afford to pay for help to do the jobs at home that you don’t have time for such as cleaning, then working is great. But if you’re in a shitty dead end job that doesn’t pay enough to hire a cleaner so you still have all of that to do as well, it’s crap.

Going back to work was lovely; it was all the domestic stuff waiting when me and DH got home.....

If you are both uber organised and have the same tolerance for state of the house/food prep etc go for it.

Good luck,

You're being a fantasist.

The reality is you do everything you're doing now all whilst trying to work on top of it all as well.

Give it a couple of years and it will get easier. Go back to work then.

I’ve done both. My life was dull, but a million times easier when I didn’t work.

I had same age gap as you OP, and went back very part time when youngest was 4 months. I work a few more hours these days but still part time and I find it a good balance. I feel it makes me a better mum to have that mental break (tbf I only work in retail), and have time away from my kids. But I would beat myself up if I had to work full time. However that is my personal opinion for my circumstances.

I'm finding the younger years much harder than I imagined before children, and often dream of putting them both in longer hours of childcare, however there's always the thought in the back of my head that these years don't last long and they'll then both be in school 5 days a week (and I can look back with rose tinted glasses ) so I'm sticking it out until then and will then reassess.

I see you have said part time is not an option, so it really is dependant on whether you think you can mentally manage it. For me personally, working full time while they are small would just be too much to handle because you have that rush every morning and evening and then a rush for dinner and bath and bed, you'd get little downtime because you've still got washing and shopping etc to do. If you financially have to then you have to, but if it is choice I would seriously think about it.

When ds was as young as your kids I much preferred working ! I went back to work when he was 9 months old ( what a wicked person lol )
He's 6 now and the recent lockdown/ furlough was actually very nice and I'm not relishing going back to work next week . As they get older you really get to enjoy your time together more and they are much better company, you can also get on with your own little jobs around the house as they dont need non stop attention. That's just my opinion everyone is different

Did both and I definitely found it harder but it very much depends on your job, your commute and your support network when it comes to your DCs. Everyone's circumstances will be different, but in my case, going back to work was great in many ways but it was most definitely harder than when I was a SAHM.

Define easier.

For me life was more enjoyable working, I hated the drudge of life at home with babies and had PSD on maternity leave and going back to work brought me out of it.

It was busy, but easier in the sense I was happier which meant I was more motivated and had more energy. Even now with older kids I hate the days in holidays that feel like an endless cycle of cleaning, cooking and filling the dishwasher! (If DH is working).

*PND

Yes, you are a fantasist. There are people who love every moment of their job, they are passionate about their work.. Most are not like that.
Yes,it is tiring to look after children, but every now and then your 'customers' will give you a sudden hug, kiss, smile and suddenly it gets better.
Work is more tiring. There deadlines, politics, gossips, unreasonable bosses etc.
You go to work not because it is easier, but because it provides more financial security.
Kids will grow up, in 10 years time they will need you much less, but you will struggle to find a job. Divorce can happen to anyone and you will have to work.

For me, going back to work was a million times easier than being at home looking after children.

I would be all stressed in the morning getting ready, but then I would leave for work and feel de stressed instantly. I would go in and have a coffee at my desk and talk to my team and have a social life in work, alongside doing my job. I would go for a walk on my lunch, or have a nice dinner in peace. I felt amazing going back to work. (Probably not allowed to admit I felt that way, but there we go 😂).

I guess it depends on your job as well. Mine had full on days, but there were also chilled out days where I could rest a bit. If it's a really full on job, then I'd maybe stay at home x

Nanny not nursery will make your life 100 times easier. I've found that by far the most stressful part of combining work and children is getting DS to nursery on time with clean everything and then getting me to work on public transport with everything I need. Wfh now, but I found it massively stressful if he slept late or took too long to eat his breakfast, and would often end up sprinting in work clothes with laptop for the train. I'm part-time and couldn't have dealt with the stress 5 days a week. Also pick-up when stuck on the bus or train and panicking about being late. So nanny definitely the way to go.

That said, even with the stress, working gives me some of 'me' back - something which sounds like it would be beneficial for you. A good nanny will do the children's chores and leave your house tidy so you can get rid of even more of the 'gruntwork' weighing you down. My friend has an excellent nanny who she and her DC adore and honestly her life is so 'zen' compared to mine. If I go back full-time, I fully intend to steal her (the nanny) away by secretly offering a pay rise !

It's harder going back to work but more fulfilling. Time becomes very scarce. Since covid and working from home it has been so much more manageable for me personally.

Yes, being at home is the hardest job going, when the kids are small. When they are older and at school it must be a doddle

Re part-time, I would mention it at interview eg 4 days a week or shorter days, but say you would also do full-time so they don't rule you out.

Roles are not usually advertised as part-time but employers sometimes offer flexibility. Obviously you haven't mentioned what you do so I don't know if part-time is feasible.

Remember recruiters earn more commission if you go full-time so that could be why they are not investigating whether the employer would offer part-time/flexible working.

Just something to consider if part-time would work better for you.

I work part-time and I've found it the best of both worlds.

Bloody hard work doing both. I went back to teaching when.dc2 was almost 1. Out the house at 730every day, home by about 6 and too talked out and with a head full of work to really enjoy having tired toddlers around.

And there wasn't really much time in work for a cup of tea- let alone a relaxing one.

It depends on your job, kids, support and personality.
I have 3 kids with 2-year gaps. I am a teacher. It was infinitely easier to be off with them all than work. I loved every minute. The eldest was just 4 when the littlest was born. I took 14 month mat leave. I miss it so much.

It's easy to envy the full time mums who just sit and drink coffee at the playground or doing play dates and build up strong circles where you always miss the invite, because you are at work

It's not so easy to do this anymore in these COVID times. I had this with DC1 and we had a blast. But a lot of the families we knew are now at school and back at work or have moved away. Some of our remaining friends are still scared to meet anyone socially.

It is a bit of a different landscape now with DC2 as there are no toddler groups happening - so she's not making any friends her age. We can't meet as a small groups with less close friends because of the rule of six.

Plus there's always some degree of mess waiting at home from everyone getting ready in the morning, laundry mountains building up, dishes to wash, toys strewn etc... I used to happily be able to leave it when we had somewhere concrete to be, or someone to meet but if the choice is between the two of us killing time at the garden centre on a rainy day or getting a head start on the housework, the housework usually wins out (and morphs into another day of Cbeebies and WhatsApp).

One of my neighbours was saying the other day that you really have to be more resilient, creative and comfortable with a higher degree of isolation to make staying at home work these days, and I think she had a point. Good for those who are winning at it, but it can be tough for others.

Being a SAHM is not difficult. It was however, for me, the worst time in my life, as I found it so fucking relentless. My work is much harder, but it isn't boring.

I find working much harder. Missing them and the guilt is bad, and the stress and pressure when you are together. You mention how you'll split the home stuff 50/50 and that would be better - but I know of literally no heterosexual couples where that is actually the case, so you're working and Still taking on most of the mental load.

The exception might be if you were really skint as a sahm, or if you love your job, or find the day to day of being with kids tedious, or have a wobbly relationship (or your DH has a wobbly job) and need the financial security. If not, then working is harder.

Both are hard but I find working easier - and it’s better for my mental health.
Also, I don’t believe being out of the workplace for years is a good thing. Most people I know who’ve tried to get back into the workplace after 6+ years as a SAHM have really struggled.
I would look for a job with flexibility. I work FT but with flexibility so I can go to school assemblies/pick up from school some days.
You do need help at home - whether it’s a nanny or a cleaner etc. All bills and supermarket shopping needs to be done online to ease the load and so on.
But it can work brilliantly

I never had the option to be a SAHM and worked full-time from when DD was 10 months.

I found the mornings trying to get up and out the door really stressful and the evenings when everyone was tired and hungry exhausting.

My job was full on and the commute was a nightmare (no public transport, just 1-2 hour drive each way depending on traffic/accidents on motorway).

I would much prefer to have been a SAHM - yes, it's relentless, but no one is watching you and you're not being measured on what you do.

I don't need a job to make me feel 'me'. I've always seen a job as something I need to do to pay the bills. I have never felt guilty for going to work. If I don't go there'd be no food on the table. I have felt very sad that I don't have a choice about working or not. I loved maternity leave and was devastated when I had to go back to work.

But we're all different. You are lucky to be have the choice. So give it a go and find out if you prefer going to work to being a SAHM.

But if you're doing it because you think it'll be easier I think you may be in for a shock because in reality doing a full day at work and another full day when you get home is most likely what it'll be.