How do you get over the resentment when one partner genuinely can't do as much?

[SimpleComforts]

DH is recovering from an operation, a big one, he's not expected to be back at work, even wfh, for at least 12 weeks, can hardly walk, can't lift anything at all, certainly not driving.

I'm working FT, in a senior demanding role, doing all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc etc as well as everything child related, chasing homework, lifts etc.

DC are teens and actually pretty good at doing their bit but they're both working so not actually at home much to do it.

I was kind and patient for about two weeks, now we're 4 weeks in and I'm exhausted and irritable, which makes him try to do more than he should and then I feel even worse.

I know it could be far far worse, this is the life of a single mum etc, except they wouldn't be running around after DH too and probably wouldn't have the big family home to maintain, (I know how awful am I?!) but I feel right on the edge.

I suspect there's an element of not having dealt with the gravity of the illness, beforehand. After the diagnosis, we just did what we needed to to get through and I kept working throughout, although work did offer time off. Maybe I shouldn't have done, but it felt important to carry on as normally as possible at the time.

Plus I have a job interview for the job of my dreams on Fri. I applied before lockdown, before we knew DH was ill and they delayed the recruitment process. Probably I should tell them I'm not in a position to take on a big new job, but I'd feel very resentful about that and these roles don't come up often.

How do I stop being so nasty about it all?

Any/all of these?

• Lower your standards
• Pay for help (incl taxis for the teens)
• Tell the teens to step up and help more
• Takeaways

Take a deep breath & relax

Can you afford to buy in help for 2-3 months? Cleaning, washing, ironing

It doesnt have to be perfect, things just have to run & function. Cook (or similar) for a few meals?

Can DH do the menu planning & shopping online?

Go for the job & give it your best, even if a few things at home suffer for a few days. You'll regret it if you dont
.

I'm not sure. I've just had an accident and feel like utter shit.

Are you able to pay for some extra help short term?

I know that's not what you're asking but might relieve burden short term?

I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re exhausted and no wonder. As a pp said, could you afford to buy in some extra help? Definitely go for the job if you can. I hope your dh heals well and quickly.

It sounds exhausting. I'd outsource as much as possible and do go for the job, you'll only feel resentful if not, as you say. I'm sure your DH wouldn't want to hold you back from it either. Hope things get easier soon.

You sound awesome! Don't feel bad you're worn out trying too hard.
DH online shopping
Laundry on Sunday mornings only
Simple meals, bangers and mash, spag bol, jacket potatoes, lots of veg/salad
Everyone cleans one room a week each (except DH)
Give teens and DH a big hug, tell yourself you're wonderful and Good Luck on Friday!

You lower your standards, buy in or enlist some help (friends/family) and grow the fuck up.

He didn't get ill on purpose. I don't know how you can resent him for needing to recover.

MrsRogerLima

People going through something similar in my work have agreed to reduce their hours/do condensed hours/9 day fortnight, or agree special leave spread over several weeks. Eg take a day special leave a week, or work 8am-2pm. And have an official arrangement with another peer who is organised to cover for you and that’s communicated to the team.

Agree you need to do something different, good luck.

Buy in meals from Cook and get your kids to step up. Now is the time for them to learn to use the washing machine and prepare basic meals. You don't have to taxi them around like nothing has changed, your DH is ill and that means changes for everyone til he recovers.

Sorry that was meant to sound like a helpful suggestion but it read a bit like an order

We've had help in the past but I've always found it bring it's own problems and in the end, decided managing the "help" was harder work than just doing it. If it's only for the short term, organising it is just another job.

If I'm honest, it's the things DH has always been rubbish at I'm struggling most with. The thinking and organising, yes he could meal plan but it wouldn't go well. In the past, I've always done all the admin and organising and he made up for it by doing more than his share of the physical work. I know it's partly because I won't let go easily, but trying to hand that to DH now is going to add stress not reduce it!

Takeaways just make things worse IME, by making you feel sluggish and then things feel even more difficult.

I realise I'm not being helpful

I was in your exact position earlier last year. You can cope for a while, but it really does start to grind you down.

Whatever happens, do apply for the job because this short period will pass and you'll kick yourself if you hadn't gone for it.

As for the teens, remember that in earlier generations they would be in work by now. They are physically capable of working. You need to allocate tasks and find an hour to train them up. Doing the washing is very straightforward. As is basic clearing up in the kitchen and putting away.

Another one to say throw money at the problem

We've eaten about 4 takeaways a week through lockdown due to various ill health reasons - we have no guilt

Depends where you live for takeaway

Our lovely Italian does salads we've had dozens of times with bruschetta

This happened to me, but in a slightly different context.

I came to realise my anger was a way of expressing that my needs weren't being met. It didn't really have much to do with my partner in the end, but I felt unable to say I had needs too when their needs appeared to be greater.

I think there's some good advice here, and I'll add:
-lower your standards. For me this can be cooking. Get some ready meals in and just accept it!
-get help. Paid if you can afford it, otherwise ask friends and family?
-do some real self care. Doesn't have to be a bubble bath or a spa day. But what are the things that make you feel like you? What things put a pep in your step? Basic hygiene isn't self care, it's your basic needs!

• get someone to talk to. Someone impartial like a therapist if you can.

Most importantly, give yourself grace. You're doing a great job. It feels hard because it IS hard.

12 weeks is a very short time, in years grand scheme of things. Is there some underlying resentment here?

Do yourself a favour and lower your standards just a little bit, it just doesn't matter if something doesn't get done, you are all eating, all okay, that's all that matters.

Sorry you are going through this op.

As others have said, definitely throw a bit of money at it if you can: send out laundry or employ someone to come and do it while you are out. Employ a carer/helper/mother's help for your DH to help with shopping, errands, cleaning, food prep?

And what about ring-fencing some time for yourself, say on a Sunday afternoon, when the teens are in charge, so you can go and do something for yourself?

Finally, how about some counselling? A problem shared and all of that? You can dump your frustrations on your counsellor, rather than your DH and fami!y.

Definitely go for the job. Tell your teens you need to step up a bit more and allocate specific tasks. If you get it, defer the starting date so you can have a holiday in between. And don't spend it cleaning!

And take the time off from your current work now, it shouldn't be a problem if they offered leave before, tell them stresses have built up and you need to be cut a bit of slack now.

Do you have anyone who can come and help? Can you outsource? Can you let standards slip for a while? Can you expect more of the teenagers for the time being, as in ‘we all have to pull together while DH is out of action?’

I’m a single mother and had an operation almost 4 week ago. I’m doing WAY better now (exH stayed for the first two weeks to look after us all) but we’re eating quick and easy food, the washing is piling up a bit, groceries are ordered online. A friend came around today to tidy, vacuum and take the rubbish out; the children have been spending too much time on screens. It won’t be forever. I’d advise similar for you. If you try to do too much you’ll make yourself ill as well!

Yup: pay for laundry and cleaning and sign up for hello fresh. Life is too short and stressful to run yourself ragged if you don't have to. This is short term, so make it as easy as possible.
And definitely go for that job!!

The teens are working! DS1 rarely finishes work before midnight. He did clean the bathroom yesterday morning actually and they do clear up after dinner etc. They can cook but they'd cook junk and DS2 has cut the grass.

Both of them wouldn't dream of saying no when asked to help, it's the organising it all that's wearing me down. Remembering to ask them at a time when they're actually there to do it.

No wise suggestions, just utter sympathy.

My DH is lovely and really good with some things (very DIY orientated), but he cannot multi task, think beyond what's immediately in front of him or remember basics like the fact that the kids need to clean their teeth. We both work in senior roles and the kids are young. It's exhausting and I don't have the energy to ask him fifteen times or for things not to get done? So I do it myself. He also needs more sleep that I do so I know I will be on the go for a couple of hours more a day.

Actually, one thing that has helped and maybe not a right now thing for you, is meal boxes which DH cooks.

DC are teens and actually pretty good at doing their bit but they're both working so not actually at home much to do it. so what childcare/lifts need done? If they are old enough to work then absolutely they should be putting in a fair share of the household stuff!

Meal boxes is a good idea. DS2 could be in charge without me having to think about it.

I know it could be far far worse, this is the life of a single mum etc, except they wouldn't be running around after DH too and probably wouldn't have the big family home to maintain, (I know how awful am I?!)

Yes that part of your post did come across badly. Why wouldn’t a single Mum have a big family home to maintain? They are only allowed to be on benefits in a scuzzy council house, right?