How do you get over the resentment when one partner genuinely can't do as much?

[SimpleComforts]

DH is recovering from an operation, a big one, he's not expected to be back at work, even wfh, for at least 12 weeks, can hardly walk, can't lift anything at all, certainly not driving.

I'm working FT, in a senior demanding role, doing all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc etc as well as everything child related, chasing homework, lifts etc.

DC are teens and actually pretty good at doing their bit but they're both working so not actually at home much to do it.

I was kind and patient for about two weeks, now we're 4 weeks in and I'm exhausted and irritable, which makes him try to do more than he should and then I feel even worse.

I know it could be far far worse, this is the life of a single mum etc, except they wouldn't be running around after DH too and probably wouldn't have the big family home to maintain, (I know how awful am I?!) but I feel right on the edge.

I suspect there's an element of not having dealt with the gravity of the illness, beforehand. After the diagnosis, we just did what we needed to to get through and I kept working throughout, although work did offer time off. Maybe I shouldn't have done, but it felt important to carry on as normally as possible at the time.

Plus I have a job interview for the job of my dreams on Fri. I applied before lockdown, before we knew DH was ill and they delayed the recruitment process. Probably I should tell them I'm not in a position to take on a big new job, but I'd feel very resentful about that and these roles don't come up often.

How do I stop being so nasty about it all?

I really do think you need to drop your standards off a cliff, all fed, no-one dead should be your motto for the next few weeks, and go for the job of your dreams. Just keep on top of the hallway incase anyone comes to the door

@ChristmasSnowball - this is not a competition of whose life is hardest.
The OP is asking for practical suggestions for a situation which she is finding tough, andunderstandably in my view.
If you dont have any positive suggestions and can't empathise just move on to another thread. I really dont understand comments like yours.

Look for an agency that supplies housekeepers rather than cleaners, lower your standards, let go a bit (you sound the type A type and we're the worst at being control freaks) and say out loud kind things about people even if they aren't there. Gratitude really has an amazing effect. Literally count your blessings.

Also, meet up with a really lovely friend/family member, drink wine and cry. It'll help, honest.

When I was a teenager and mum and I passed like ships in the night she would leave my a written list of stuff to do.

I know that help does require some organising, but my cleaner pretty much manages things herself, I just leave a note if I want something random like the washing machine drawer doing. If you (or DH?) could find one who did washing as well, that might help? Might any friends be able to recommend someone who can help?

Go for the job, if it's anything like mine you'll have months of notice to give anyway so things might be better by then.

Constant mental load is exhausting, especially topped off with all the physical stuff as well. For me (now I have outsourced the cleaning) the grass cutting is the one I put off and off.

It doesn't matter what other people's circumstances are. Op is struggling and posted for support. She may have phrased it wrongly but how about cutting her some slack? Stop being so fucking unkind. She stated in the op she knew it could be far, far worse.

Op, don't underestimate the stress of your DH going through a major op, particularly at the time of a global pandemic. Your teens will have been looking to you to hold it all together and it's probably only just hitting you now the adrenaline has died down a bit. Try and cut yourself a bit of slack and ask for help - theres absolutely no shame in it - despite what others on here are saying. Now's the time to call in favours, ask work for a day off a week, or whatever will help.

Deco go for the job, you haven’t got much longer of this, it will get easier and you don’t want to regret not getting your dream job just because of this blip.

It’s hard now, but it will get easier. X

OP if you're struggling emotionally, it sounds like you have very little time to talk to anyone about how you're feeling? Are you able to get an appointment, even an telephone appointment with your GP?
It might not be for you but you might benefit from short term low dose antidepressants or if available, counselling?
Did your DH's need for surgery happen very quickly without any real time to process what it actually meant? Sorry for all the questions! It sounds like you need support and some sort of time for yourself.

There was no need at all for her dig at single parents. THAT was unkind. And ignorant. It made me lose all sympathy.

Can you take some annual leave for a week or two? Carers leave or even sick leave? I think you need a break, get a plan in place to manage for the next couple of months and then go from there.

I think your anger and frustration is a symptom of the stress. Perhaps this health crisis with your husband has made you realise that no one is infallible, and just how much you love/rely on each other? Or perhaps you were already stressed / on the way to burnout before and there are other issues that need dealing with in the medium/long term once the immediate crisis is over.

That's all well and good, and very understandable etc. BUT you do need to try keep the practicalities in perspective in the short term. You have a well paid job, nice house, 2 decent & helpful teens. You can easily organise yourselves for a 12 week recovery period. Really you can. It's not that hard - get a cleaner, easy meals, limit social engagements, say no to anything nonessential.

What specifically are you struggling with?

@WunWun

There was no need at all for her dig at single parents. THAT was unkind. And ignorant. It made me lose all sympathy.

I'm sorry you took it as a dig but I think you have to be looking for it. I mentioned single parents at all, only to recognise how hard it must be to live this life on a permanent basis.

Don't organise the teens work as such. Give them a job for which they have complete responsibility and you never think of again. So tell teen 1 that he does all laundry and teen 2 that he does all ironing for example. Then you do not do any again ever. (for the twelve weeks!) And one has responsibility for emptying all bins and taking them out and the other taking Dad lunch every day. Whatever you decide, but once decided that's it. You no longer do it.

I think I made it very clear I don't think my life is hard, I'm finding it hard atm and struggling emotionally. I specifically recognised that the feelings of resentment are not reasonable.

How do you normally deal with emotional stress? Do you have a friend you can off load to? You're right that being resentful isn't helpful.

There is a theory that visualises the person at the centre of a health crisis as in the middle of a series of rings like an onion. So DH is in the smallest ring and he can reach out to anyone outside of him in a bigger ring for support. You are in the next smallest ring - you too can reach outwards for support but you're not supposed to reach inwards. Reaching inwards puts unfair pressure on the people closer to the crisis that you. So you all reach outwards which helps to mitigate the stress without taking it out on those who can't cope.

Sorry if that makes no sense!

Does DH have any friends/family he could stay with to give you break from caring? With that off your shoulders the rest may seem a bit more manageable

I mean looking after him not caring in general just to be clearer!

@WunWun

There was no need at all for her dig at single parents. THAT was unkind. And ignorant. It made me lose all sympathy.

I'm not disagreeing with your point.

Op needn't have mentioned single mother's in the op at all, but did so precisely because she realises she is privileged. The rest came out wrongly but can you not understand that someone's phrasing might not be optimum when they are busy working full time and doing caring duties and running a household, and they are stressed and upset and posting for help?

Oh ffs I'm a single parent and I'm not remotely offended.

I'd sit doen, make a list of everything and then look for ways to outsource/make it easier.

Get a cleaner. Get ready meals/Cook. Get your kids to do bins/heavy lifting stuff/create a shared calendar you cam all add stuff too.

And do the interview! Your husband's situation is short term.

If there is any other lingering resentment about you doing all the wifework, park that until he's better.

@Msfoxy17

I didnt say it was a competition of who's life is hardest....

But come on.... Grip needed !!!!!

I think you need to lower your standards, 12 weeks really isn't that long, you shouldn't have excessive amounts of housework to do if your DC are teens & are out of the house working, how much ironing realistically do you need to do?

And whilst home cooked meals are nice, you can easily manage on the odd takeaway, 'posh' M & S or Waitrose meals and just simple cheese, cold meat, deli style meals.

You do sound a bit as though you are trying to be Suoerwoman.

I think you need to let go of the resentment . It's really hard to do this, but try to fight the voice in your head. It's not your DHs fault. Accepting lower standards in this period would be good too, but you have to fight that voice in your head too.

It's not that hard - get a cleaner, easy meals, limit social engagements, say no to anything nonessential.

Oh ffs and here's another one. Op is entirely capable of defending herself but when did Mumsnet get so fucking smug? Presumably people don't post when they are not struggling. Why the jeff does everyone have to justify it when they are finding life difficult as we all do from time to time.

All the best op.
I'm going to bed.

@Gladgreengrass

It's not that hard - get a cleaner, easy meals, limit social engagements, say no to anything nonessential.

Oh ffs and here's another one. Op is entirely capable of defending herself but when did Mumsnet get so fucking smug? Presumably people don't post when they are not struggling. Why the jeff does everyone have to justify it when they are finding life difficult as we all do from time to time.

All the best op.
I'm going to bed.

You've taken my comments completely out of context to make your own smug point.

What I actually discussed and asked the OP about was her own emotional health needs and how she could find some support. Because that is exactly what she needs help with. Let's not kid ourselves that the physical act of sticking some pizzas in the oven on an evening and dropping a teen off at work is the real problem. It's not. If the OP were mentally in the right place then that would all be a breeze - she has her own health and healthy finances on her side. The problem is the emotional stress response that's making those things SEEM overwhelming.

Ah well, at least I've made some people's evening by giving them the opportunity to kick a person when they're down and feel smug, all at the same time.