How do you get over the resentment when one partner genuinely can't do as much?

[SimpleComforts]

DH is recovering from an operation, a big one, he's not expected to be back at work, even wfh, for at least 12 weeks, can hardly walk, can't lift anything at all, certainly not driving.

I'm working FT, in a senior demanding role, doing all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc etc as well as everything child related, chasing homework, lifts etc.

DC are teens and actually pretty good at doing their bit but they're both working so not actually at home much to do it.

I was kind and patient for about two weeks, now we're 4 weeks in and I'm exhausted and irritable, which makes him try to do more than he should and then I feel even worse.

I know it could be far far worse, this is the life of a single mum etc, except they wouldn't be running around after DH too and probably wouldn't have the big family home to maintain, (I know how awful am I?!) but I feel right on the edge.

I suspect there's an element of not having dealt with the gravity of the illness, beforehand. After the diagnosis, we just did what we needed to to get through and I kept working throughout, although work did offer time off. Maybe I shouldn't have done, but it felt important to carry on as normally as possible at the time.

Plus I have a job interview for the job of my dreams on Fri. I applied before lockdown, before we knew DH was ill and they delayed the recruitment process. Probably I should tell them I'm not in a position to take on a big new job, but I'd feel very resentful about that and these roles don't come up often.

How do I stop being so nasty about it all?

Thank you to those who wanted to help

OP, I may be wrong here, but my sense is that you don't really want or need practical suggestions. I think you know how to run the house and what you have to do. It's just all too much, physically and mentally. It's totally ok and understandable to feel that way. I think many of us in your shoes would do.
I think you also probably know deep down that you don't really resent your DH for being ill, you are just exhausted. It sounds an incredibly difficult time.
You will get through this period. Maybe for now though just factor in a couple of hours for some self care in the next couple of days. You will get through this.

Try to cut it down to a day at a time, thinking 12 weeks is overwhelming and a large amount of time.
Def go for that job.
This feeling of resentment wont last and I'm sure your husband loves and appreciates everything your doing. Dont give yourself a hard time, your doing a fab job xx

OP, I totally understand. My DH suffered a brain injury a few years ago which made him essentially useless for six months and a very slow (and continuing) recovery. I definitely resented him at times although I knew what an ordeal he was going through.

I upped my cleaner's hours to twice a week, lowered my standards in the meantime and asked my friends for help. The thing I missed most was just time to myself when I didn't have to do something for someone else.

I also just generally felt exhausted and quite miserable for a while, but tried to accept that that was normal and would improve. It has.

Best of luck and hope he gets better soon.

My dp has a chronic illness and there are periods of time where he cannot contribute to the family in the way he normally does.

I get through by being clear as to what is essential (everyone fed and cared for, I keep my job) and what is nice to have (clean house, time for professional research).

I am lucky because when things are difficult I generally know that there will be a time when they get better, and i just have to grit my teeth and get through it.

I cook repetitive and quick meals that I know the dc will eat without a fight. Pasta and sauce, fish fingers etc is fine. I do interest shopping. I fit bits of cleaning in to odd moments (when the kids are in the bath or the kettle is boiling). I stop assuming I will have a bit of the evening to relax in after the dc are asleep - that is housework time.

Going to bed really early a couple of times a week helps me cope (as in, I put my pjs on at the same time as my young dc and go to sleep as soon as they are down). I accept offers of help from family (my mum mainly, who is a hero about having the kids when dp is ill and i have to work, and she often will do bits of housework too). I also cope by having some designated crying time when I know everyone is safe and won't find out, as I dont want to worry them (in the car is good).

What I actually discussed and asked the OP about was her own emotional health needs and how she could find some support.

Yes you absolutely did that Renallychallenged while also reminding the op of her "well paid job, nice house, 2 decent & helpful teens." And how she she should keep the practicalities "in perspective" and
"You can easily organise yourselves for a 12 week recovery period. Really you can. It's not that hard."

I don't think that's taken out of context. But I didn't initially see it was you who posted about onion ring theory in separate post, as I don't tend to take note of nns, just content.

Is it smug to point out that someone who posts for support may feel even worse when they are effectively told by several posters that what they are finding difficult is not in reality that hard and that she ^should^ be able to cope fine?

Maybe many of you on here are superwomen but I don't mind admitting I found it very hard when I looked after an elderly parent after an operation and that was only for six weeks and working part-time.

Not referring to any specific pp, but it just seems increasingly on Mumsnet of late, people post for support and then get bombarded with posts telling them why they shouldn't feel the way they do. It seems counter to the "be open, tell people you're struggling" culture we are all encouraged to embrace nowadays. In reality, maybe people just don't want to hear other people's troubles I think. Or perhaps Covid-19 is making us all more tetchy (and I include myself in that).

Anyway, I digress ...g'night all...and sorry for hi-jack op.

OP my guess is that what you’re really missing is your DH’s partnership and emotional support. Just as much as his practical help.

Is there anyone else you could lean on, offload to? Family member even if miles away and by phone only?

How did the interview go? I've been thinking of you OP.

I've hit a wall recently for similar reasons. I had to 'empty my head' as I couldn't do my job and do all the wife work and keep the house running. One thing that helped a bit ( not a cure but a help) was to buy a blackboard and write a list. The teens picked the things they would cover. I picked what I could cope with, and then anything else was either outsourced ( bags of laundry for a service wash), takeaways for a couple of days, preprepped veg from the supermarket and a few no effort tray bakes, bathrooms cleaned but living rooms stayed dusty. The point was once it was written down I wasn't in charge of keeping the list and could think about other things. I hope you are ok.

@SimpleComforts. Hope you are OK, your DH is feeling better and you nailed your interview.