So what on earth should I do now?

[WhatTheFudgesicles]

Imagine you were in my exact situation, what would you do?

• SAHM
• Two pre-school DC, not in nursery
• Live with DP and FIL
• Very limited access to money
• NOT a begging thread, not asking for anything but advice. The only reason I've changed my name is because this is so bloody embarrassing, but I have a long posting history.

FIL decided to start some 'home improvements' which involved piling all furniture over one side of the room, removing front room wallpaper, cutting bricks out of the wall, digging out holes for cables () , DP has been helping him with all of this. They have a difference of opinion about virtually every step. Every day I've been taking DC out for walks for up to four hours to ensure they have time and space to work. (I've lost a few pounds so that's a silver lining). There are no other parts of the house that DC can safely play, so the front room is key here. When I come back, barely anything has been done, because DP and FIL have been arguing for most of it. DP and FIL had an explosive argument and now all work has stopped, nothing has progressed in three days. Right now as I type, the carpet is covered in soot and dust from the old fireplace bricks, there's rubble everywhere, power tools all over the place, I mean I could go on. It's a hazard. DC's hands and feet are black after 10 minutes of playing on the floor, so I put down blankets. FIL has decided he is now going to flounce and stay with SIL for god knows how long. DP goes back to work on Monday, and is quite frankly in one of the most depressive spirals I've ever seen him in. He's snappy (barking at me and DC for anything), emanating rage and completely sedentary. In practical terms, I'm a single mum to two small kids living on a building site (probably an exaggeration). I don't have anywhere appropriate I can stay for an extended period of time. If I could, I'd pay for a beautiful hotel suite to stay for a month or so and tell DP and FIL to do one. Or pay for a team of decorators to swoop in and fix everything, then tell DP and FIL to do one. Or move to a new house, far far away, and tell DP and FIL to do one. I'm a bit of a clean freak anyway so this is honestly making my skin crawl.

So. What would you do? I'd appreciate practical advice. Because come on, this has to be a unique situation, where on earth do I start? I looked into carpet cleaning and I could stretch to afford it, but DP won't want me to put anything away or put the furniture back. If I could, I'd single handedly fill in the holes, paint the walls, clean the carpet and put all the furniture back. I'm very interested to know what options I'm missing here, because I'm at my wits end

Bump

What were they trying to achieve with the work?

Take a lot of photos and start emailing builders, looking for quotes. Many will do quotes for free and you'll get some idea of how much is required to put the 'work' to rights.

Try to clean up as much as you can. Pick up the power tools, unplug them/make them safe and put them away.

Stack the bricks in or near the fireplace, vacuum the carpet once everything is off the floor.

Rearrange the furniture, so that people are kept away from the dirtiest part.

Use a brush attachment and vacuum the bricks and walls if you have to.

What does dp suggest?

I'd put some energy and time into speaking to them both.

How very selfish they are not to consider you and the children.

If they won't put their differences aside then I'd insist DH takes some annual leave, looks after the dc for a week while you put the room right.

I'd be fuming with them both. What inconsiderate behaviour.

Who owns the house?
That would impact on my actions.

I would be telling dp he gets it fucking sorted in the next 2 days or you will leave with the children because its unsafe, or you will be getting someone in to do it.
Who's house is it?

FIL's house. He originally set out to paint the walls. Then decided to open up the fireplace. Then remove the wallpaper. Then DP wanted to hide the cord for the stove fire, so they've removed part of the wall (yes, I know). It's mushroomed to a ridiculous situation, and personally I think they've both realised how tough the job is going to be and made up a reason not to do any more. Any complaints I make about the hazardous environment is key with impatient 'don't get your knickers in a twist' type comments. DP seems to now think that I intend to take DC out every day for hours at a time, so he plans Netflix sessions or relaxation time every day and then is aghast when I say I'm not planning to go anywhere.

DP is insistent that 'It will get done' and so not to move anything back, as though I'm acting rashly. I don't personally have anywhere near enough money to hire someone in to do the work, and DP wouldn't pay for it as he's certain he's going to do it 'soon'. I know him. It could be like this until next September.

*met, not key

It's FIL's house and I assume you are not married as you refer to your partner as DP. It is not your house, you are the girlfriend of his son. It is his house and he can do what he likes. There is nothing you can do, I don't understand why you think there is.
How old are you?

Why is he planning Netflix sessions when the house his dc live in is in chaos !!

@notangelinajolie we pay rent. DP paid for the carpet and most of the furniture. This is our home. And regardless of any of that, I need DC to be living in a safe environment. It's not a question of whether I'm 'happy' for FIL to decorate his home, it's his home. It's a question of how to deal with the fact that he's flounced and I still have to live in the rubble with two young DC. What do you suggest I do?

@pumpkinpie01 I can only assume it's because he has different standards to me, along with the fact that the majority of childcare is in my court. When he goes back to work, it's out of sight out of mind. And he doesn't seem to think there's a problem with them eating with sooty hands or playing with sooty toys.

Honestly?

Do you have other family/friends you could move in with ?

Because I'd be doing that!

Like hell would I be having small kids inhaling quite possibly toxic soot!

Such work isn't supposed to be carried out without careful planning in consideration of that fact!

If fil's insurers find out he'll be up shit creek!

So so stupid and dangerous of them

What do you suggest I do?

Don't rent from fil, get your own rental where you are in charge.

Ask dp and fil to grow up, put a plan in place and get on with it.

Start looking for work, your dp is taking your services for granted, he is not one of the dc, he should step up.

Marry or loose the b..., you have no rights as is.

That aside lock the front room, throw away the key till it is done up, and use whatever is left of the house to your liking.

Seriously your dp netflixing etc. he doesn't sound much of a catch.

Is there another family member you can get on-side OP? I’m wondering if there’s a sensible SIL or similar who could knock these men’s heads together! They haven’t considered you and the children at all have they? If your DP is really now watching Netflix all day while you tramp around outside with two small children he’s a disgrace! It sounds like a horrible situation for you and I hope it improves in short order

and tell DP and FIL to do one.

You answered your own question 3 times here. Sit your DP down, explain in very plain language that he and his DF need to get their collective shit together and make the house safe for your DC or you’ll be leaving. And that unless you too are getting time for Netflix and chill, he won’t be either. What utterly ridiculous behaviour on both their parts. DP has responsibilities to you and the kids so that’s where my efforts would be focussed.

In any event I’d start looking for a place to live with or without your DP and I’d start looking for a job - this guy sounds about as reliable as a chocolate fire guard.

I would give my husband a day to have it all put away, if not the kids and I would be staying in a hotel until its done.

Do not use your regular vacuum cleaner on plaster and brick dust btw - it will knacker it.

The pair of them need to grow up. I'd speak to them both together and make it clear you haven't spoken to DP alone and say they need to sort things out.

I would be extremely worried that I was an unmarried sahm with no private income. You are in a very vulnerable situation

How old are your DC? Are they eligible for any free nursery hours any time soon?

Regarding the ''open up the fire place'' and ''removing bricks'' - this might be structural and I hope it does not mean the chimney breast is no longer supported ( the part that runs up to the roof through the upstairs area) as all this could come crashing down.
As PPs said start trying to phone any other relatives plus FIL everyday - cry and scream at all and everybody. Totally unacceptable. What total idiots.

Why cant your DP make it clean and safe and sort it out rather than sit around having Netflix sessions?

I wouldnt be happy with partner having Netflix sessions when the living room is dangerous! I personally would move all of the tools away before your child has an accident. Bag up any rubble and put in the garden. Wipe down dust, and vacuum up.

As a short term idea, any chance you could make another room more suitable for the kids? Push a bed to one side to make more space, remove something? You r DP and FIL sound unbearable. There are some good ideas in PPs also. Good luck

This sounds a stressful situation but not just the decor, with a young family it doesn’t sound ideal to be sharing a house with your ILs. If I were in your position I would be trying to rent somewhere else and also find work. These are bigger issues. I would make the children have as much fun out of the house during the day in the meantime and keep it positive, and when ours were that age they’d have happily played on a bed for hours too if I’d got loads of books from the library etc . So I wouldn’t just judge the two who are fighting but try and think of positive steps to change things for your own family unless it normally works well for all of you.