So what on earth should I do now?

[WhatTheFudgesicles]

Imagine you were in my exact situation, what would you do?

• SAHM
• Two pre-school DC, not in nursery
• Live with DP and FIL
• Very limited access to money
• NOT a begging thread, not asking for anything but advice. The only reason I've changed my name is because this is so bloody embarrassing, but I have a long posting history.

FIL decided to start some 'home improvements' which involved piling all furniture over one side of the room, removing front room wallpaper, cutting bricks out of the wall, digging out holes for cables () , DP has been helping him with all of this. They have a difference of opinion about virtually every step. Every day I've been taking DC out for walks for up to four hours to ensure they have time and space to work. (I've lost a few pounds so that's a silver lining). There are no other parts of the house that DC can safely play, so the front room is key here. When I come back, barely anything has been done, because DP and FIL have been arguing for most of it. DP and FIL had an explosive argument and now all work has stopped, nothing has progressed in three days. Right now as I type, the carpet is covered in soot and dust from the old fireplace bricks, there's rubble everywhere, power tools all over the place, I mean I could go on. It's a hazard. DC's hands and feet are black after 10 minutes of playing on the floor, so I put down blankets. FIL has decided he is now going to flounce and stay with SIL for god knows how long. DP goes back to work on Monday, and is quite frankly in one of the most depressive spirals I've ever seen him in. He's snappy (barking at me and DC for anything), emanating rage and completely sedentary. In practical terms, I'm a single mum to two small kids living on a building site (probably an exaggeration). I don't have anywhere appropriate I can stay for an extended period of time. If I could, I'd pay for a beautiful hotel suite to stay for a month or so and tell DP and FIL to do one. Or pay for a team of decorators to swoop in and fix everything, then tell DP and FIL to do one. Or move to a new house, far far away, and tell DP and FIL to do one. I'm a bit of a clean freak anyway so this is honestly making my skin crawl.

So. What would you do? I'd appreciate practical advice. Because come on, this has to be a unique situation, where on earth do I start? I looked into carpet cleaning and I could stretch to afford it, but DP won't want me to put anything away or put the furniture back. If I could, I'd single handedly fill in the holes, paint the walls, clean the carpet and put all the furniture back. I'm very interested to know what options I'm missing here, because I'm at my wits end

Why is so watching netflix when the front room is a building site ?

Go in turn off the tv and say 'right let's get this room sorted' . It sounds like your dp didnt realise what he was taking on and now fil has left him to sort it out.

You're a family he needs to engage more sounds like you're stuck in a rut and need to talk about how life can improve for you all going forward.

@giantangryrooster

What do you suggest I do?

Don't rent from fil, get your own rental where you are in charge.

Ask dp and fil to grow up, put a plan in place and get on with it.

Start looking for work, your dp is taking your services for granted, he is not one of the dc, he should step up.

Marry or loose the b..., you have no rights as is.

That aside lock the front room, throw away the key till it is done up, and use whatever is left of the house to your liking.

Seriously your dp netflixing etc. he doesn't sound much of a catch.

This. I would be doing this.

You're being treated like some child care staff with no respect whatsoever.

Sod that.

I would be saving like mad to get a home of my own & looking around for an idea of prices. Could you get on your local council or HA waiting lists.

Are they builders? Do they actually know what they’re doing???

Thanks all for the replies. It's reassuring to know that I'm allowed to feel this way despite it being FIL's house. I do have long term intentions of finding my own place to live, I guess I'm just 'getting my ducks in a row' and at the moment I don't have the means. I am liaising with somebody to work towards applying for housing but I've been told it could take years. And no, they're not professional builders, FIL has experience so he says, but I don't know where from as he's never had a job in construction or carpentry. I appreciate that I'm a total idiot for ending up in a situation where I'm an unmarried SAHM with no income.

@tara66 yup, a lot of bricks from the chimney breast have been removed. FIL put in metal 'supports' and has covered them in concrete and plaster. A few days ago, DP dug a 'track' out of the wall to the left of the chimney breast in order to put the wires for the lighting that they intended to put in there.

@Imicola thank you for the short term solution. As I was falling asleep I was looking around the bedroom and figuring out what to put where in order to make it a place for DC to play. Walking for hours every day is great and everything but I would like to have days resting at home. I'll probably put whatever I need to move into FIL's room, as he won't be back any time soon I'm sure.

Oh and the Netflix sessions; these kinds of things aren't new. As I mentioned, he's currently in a state of depression. I used to try very hard to be supportive and take the weight off his shoulders when he felt like this. But over time it's just meant that he doesn't get up, he'll never go outside with me and DC, he's snappy and cold and mean and I don't have the strength any more to fight it. I could 'put my foot down' and insist that he gets his act together, but he will say that I'm being too demanding and controlling, telling him what to do and how to do it, and the atmosphere in the house would become untenable for DC. I'm not going to go there again.

I would find a way of moving out. If you don't own a house and are on a low income you might be eligible for help with rent, universal credit etc. Might be worth speaking to the council or local housing association, as well as looking into private rented.

I'd clean up.

Bin bags down, pile up bricks on those then cover them so they don't keep shedding dust.

Windows open, dust and hoover thoroughly.

Put furniture back where it's needed.

Then get DH and FIL to sit down and have a grown up conversation to plan out how they're going to get the work done.

Are you ready to leave?

That seems to be your only real option. Your partner treats you like unpaid childcare. You live in your partners dads house, which is now a building site and he’s fucked off to stay elsewhere... and your partner probably isn’t qualified to fix it to a structurally sound standard but even if he was, is at the start of a depressive spiral and doesn’t seem likely to get anything done.

You need to leave, OP. Leave both the unsuitable environment for children and the awful partner. As a matter of urgency. Do you have any family who you could stay with temporarily? Or who could lend you the money for a rental deposit?

I can’t believe you’re passively allowing him to tell you not to fix/move things tbh. Get it done. I realise it’s not your mess but your kids deserve better than that. If he tells you to stop, ignore him.

And then leave the pair of them at the earliest opportunity.

Ask your Health Visitor to do a home visit. Maybe if she sees the disaster zone your children are living in and your partner sitting in the rubble watching TV she will be able to get you into temporary accommodation. Don't shrug off the point made above, the chimney breast above could well come crashing down on you. If your FIL is not a trained builder then he will have no idea if he has made it safe.

This afternoon, I'd go out on your own for a couple of hours and leave your DP to look after the children. It may help him to realise the work you are doing every day and how difficult it is looking after little ones in a building site and how he can't just sit and watch Netflix.

This afternoon, I'd go out on your own for a couple of hours and leave your DP to look after the children

I wouldn’t trust him with them. He thinks that their living environment is suitable and that it doesn’t matter if they are all sooty. He can’t look after them.

Well if DP isn't capable of looking after them for 2 hours the op has bigger problems than a building site living room!

I'd move out and leave do and fil to it. May they live happily ever after.

I've got two small kids and had periods of small renovations and it's a nightmare to live in even when planned and for a week or so, so i feel your pain OP! The trying to keep them outside all day gets really difficult. I'd clear up as much as possible, then seriously think about leaving.

@RubyAberdeen

This afternoon, I'd go out on your own for a couple of hours and leave your DP to look after the children

I wouldn’t trust him with them. He thinks that their living environment is suitable and that it doesn’t matter if they are all sooty. He can’t look after them.

So it's not just me then! It's not an appropriate attitude for a parent to have, right? I'm not just being 'a nag'?

No you are not being unreasonable. Leaving him to look after the kids while you take a break will show him this.

Well if DP isn't capable of looking after them for 2 hours the op has bigger problems than a building site living room

Well that much is obvious really, isn’t it

The health visitor idea is probably the best one though!

Won’t the health visitor just report to SS?

I would have thought she'd give advice and support first.

Put a power tool through the TV before doing anything else. It will make you feel better and focus your mopy manchild DP's mind a bit with his Netflix sessions taken out of the equation.