What are your favourite filthy limericks?

[DameHannahRelf]

This limerick from "The Crown" on netflix really amused me,

There was an old Countess of Bray,
And you might think it odd when I say,
That despite her high station,
rank and education.
She always spelled "Cunt" with a K!

Then I found this on quora

"There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit.
But think of the money I save.”

And remembered this that I copied and pasted from mn (I think).

In days of old when knights were bold,
and condoms weren't invented,
they tied their socks around their cocks,
and babies were prevented.

Now I'm going down an online rabbit rabbit hole of filthy rhymes. Anyone know any good ones?

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
Ten thousand volts shot up its arse,
And turned its wool to nylon.

There was a young woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back and opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

Oh @oldwhyno I have heard that one in a film...I really want to say it was Hugh Grant saying it, maybe in Bridget Jones' diary?

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

October's here and the nuts are brown,
Petticoats up and trousers down!

There was a young man from Gwent
Whose willy was long and it bent
It caused him some trouble
When he folded it double
Instead of coming he went!

@sunnysidegold I think you're right. I was delighted when he said it as it was always the only one I could remember. Well, apart from this one...

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantelpiece,
To see if they would...fall off.

There was a young woman from China
Who had an enormous vagina
When asked, 'Does it bend ?'
She replied, 'There's no end,
For a Durex I use a bin liner.'

I assume everyone is aware of the Old Man from Nantucket. I won’t repeat it as it’s so filthy, but google is your friend!

I remember an old one that started

There was a young lady from Bude....

I don't remember the rest but it doesn't matter as you can fill in the gaps yourself anyway!!

I came on to say the Bridget Jones one

There was a young man from Devizes
Who had balls of different sizes
One ball was small, not impressive at all
The other one huge and won prizes

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were of solid brass.
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.

I don't have any limericks but these are great

(Sorry)
There was a young woman named Jill
Who fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

There once was a harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said, with a grin
If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too

There was a young lady from Fife
Who tired of the unmarried life
So stole from her friend Dan
The keys to his van
And with it, ran off with his wife

There was a young lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the ... lake
A man with a punt
Shoved it up her ... nose and said
“You can’t swim there, it’s dangerous!”

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
His dick was a flower
And his balls were a bundle of weeds

There was a Mumsnetter from Surrey
Who wanted a shag in a hurry
She thought about frickin’
The huge Mumsnet chicken
Then gave up and used it for curry

There once was a barmaid from Sale
Whose breasts bore the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille

There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
Wiping spunk from his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

There was an old man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
The petals were fine
The sepals divine
But the smell was a bit of a failure.

There was a young girl from Korea
Who had a most musical rear
After eating escargots
She could fart Handels Largo
And her encore was Ave Maria

There was a young lady from China
Who went on a cruise on a liner
She slipped on the deck
And twisted her neck
And now she can see her vagina.

There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
And split open his cock
And now he has a vagina

As just shared with me by 12 year old DS