What are your favourite filthy limericks?

[DameHannahRelf]

This limerick from "The Crown" on netflix really amused me,

There was an old Countess of Bray,
And you might think it odd when I say,
That despite her high station,
rank and education.
She always spelled "Cunt" with a K!

Then I found this on quora

"There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit.
But think of the money I save.”

And remembered this that I copied and pasted from mn (I think).

In days of old when knights were bold,
and condoms weren't invented,
they tied their socks around their cocks,
and babies were prevented.

Now I'm going down an online rabbit rabbit hole of filthy rhymes. Anyone know any good ones?

There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Used to kiss with the lips that she pissed with.
By way of adventure
She fitted a denture
Now she's got a front bum she eats crisps with.

When the holy ghost came, say traditions,
Mary acted without inhibitions.
She had God on her side,
And then had him astride,
And in several other positions.

There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*
With a trans-Menai-Strait-travelling cock
From his home he could screw with
A girl in Bontnewydd
That happy young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

A singer who came from Milano
Had privates made out of Meccano.
He sang bass-tenor, but
By unscrewing one nut
He could also reach mezzo-soprano

From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came some screaming that carried for miles
The curate said: Gracious!
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the Bishop's got piles?

@monstera - brilliant. Love the first and last ones

Sorry, I just thought of one more and this ones TOPICAL

A swinger who swung in Verona,
Was very afraid of Corona,
She said "till theres a cure,
Lets all stay secure,
There's a hole in the door for your boner"

There was a young man called Gray,
Took a slow boat to China one day,
He was tied to the tiller,
With a sex-starved goriller,
And China’s a bloody long way!

This is from the wonderful limericks round on 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'.

When it snows you will find Sister Sledge
Out mooning at night on the ledge.
One storey down
Is the maestro James Brown
Displaying his meat and two veg.

A man who liked porking some pork,
Was afraid of no scurrilous talk,
Said he "that pig cannot squeal,
For it made a good meal,"
Still he's better than the grand Duke of York

@MonsteraDeliciosa first and last totally got me there LOL

Op i knew your one about the knight but had thr last line as "and had to be contented" rather than "babies were prevented"!

Not a limerick but in school we used to sing:
Hitler has only got one ball
The other is in the Albert hall
His mother, the dirty fucker
Cut it off when he was small
She threw it into a chestnut tree
It landed in the deep blue sea
The fishes got out their dishes
And had scallops and bollocks for tea!

There was a young woman from Tottenham
Who'd no manners or else she'd forgotten them
At tea at the vicars
She tore off her knickers
Because, she explained, she felt hot in 'em.

There once was a vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were rather unstable.
So every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table.

I'll get my coat...

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it rather silly
She threw it in the air and caught it by its
Willie was a watch dog
Sitting in the grass
Along came a bumble Bee who stung him in the
Ask no questions tell no lies
Have you ever seen a China man pulling up his ,Flies are a nuisance Bees are worse
And this is the end of my silly little verse

A cultural one to raise the tone:

As Titian was mixing Rose Madder
His model was posed on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he nipped up the ladder and ‘ad her.

Mary has a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket,
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog tried to bark at it.

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the nude
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said ‘you can’t swim here, it’s private

She offered her honour
He honoured her offer
And all through the night
he was on 'er and off 'er

Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn’t stop it gruntin’,
So she took it down the leafy lane,
And kicked its little cunt in.

A final two or three from me...

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge ?
She was cold, didn't budge
Just the same as she acted in life."

There was a young man named McBride
Who could fart whenever he tried ;
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two,
And then shat, and was disqualified.

I sat by the Duchess at tea
And she asked "Do you fart when you pee ?"
I said with some wit
"Do you belch when you shit ?"
And felt it was one up for me.

The enjoyment of sex, although great,
Is in later years said to abate.
This may well be so,
But how would I know ?
I'm now only seventy-eight.

A butch liitle bullfrog call Bucky
Found the thought of gay sex all quite yucky.
Then a kiss from a prince
Caused him to mince
And he changed from a frog to a ducky