What are your favourite filthy limericks?

[DameHannahRelf]

This limerick from "The Crown" on netflix really amused me,

There was an old Countess of Bray,
And you might think it odd when I say,
That despite her high station,
rank and education.
She always spelled "Cunt" with a K!

Then I found this on quora

"There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit.
But think of the money I save.”

And remembered this that I copied and pasted from mn (I think).

In days of old when knights were bold,
and condoms weren't invented,
they tied their socks around their cocks,
and babies were prevented.

Now I'm going down an online rabbit rabbit hole of filthy rhymes. Anyone know any good ones?

there was an old man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
if his ear was a cunt he could fuck it

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the sides
And every time that Mary ran
The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt
'Twas split right up the front.
She didn't wear it very often.

There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
They were big it is true,
But here cunt was big too,
Like a full colour, bifocal, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.

A young man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
Theres somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Its me."

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude-,
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "Youre a tight one." She replied, " Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There`s plenty of room in the right one."

… finally two silly ones

A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or . . .
To tutor two tooters to toot?”

A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about limericks can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

Mary had a little lamb
She took it to a wedding
She tied it to a table leg
And kicked its fucking head in

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between 2 chunks of bread.

My mate Billy had a ten foot Willy & he showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake
And now it's only five foot four!

There was a young man named Adair
Who was doing his girl on the stair
The bannister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid air

There was a young man from Harrow
Who had one the size of a marrow
He said to his tart
“Try this for a start,
My balls are outside on a barrow”.

Just remembered a different man from Nantucket:

There was a young man from Nantucket
Fell madly in love with a bucket
He’d take it on dates
And when it got late
He’d take it back home and then fuck it

There was a young man from Nepal
Who had a mathematical ball:
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

Titian was mixing rose madder
While his model reclined on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

Class!

There was a young lady from China
Who had an enormous vagina
When asleep on the beach
She awoke with a screech
And found she had dry docked a liner

A worried young fellow from Poole
Had red blotches the length of his tool.
His doctor (that cynic!)
Sent him out of the clinic
Saying: "Wipe off that lipstick, you fool!".

There was a woman from Dallas
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

Not a limerick, but in the same spirit...

They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace.
Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
Alice is bonking one of the guards.
A soldier's dick terribly hard.
Said Alice.

Also only in spirit...

Mary had a little lamb.
The midwife fainted.

Sorry. One final not-a-limerick from 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue', many years ago...

Some talk of Alexander and some of Hercules,
Of Hero and Lysander and such great as these.
Of all the world's great
There's none who can compare
With the
Of the British Grenadier!

I'm too involved in this!

In days of old
When men were bold
And women weren't invented
They drilled holes
In telegraph poles
And had to be contented.

An old man from Pennsylvania
Painted his arse like a dahlia
A penny a smell was all very well
But tuppence a lick was a failure

A lady from South Carolina
Put fiddle strings cross her vagina.
With the proper sized cocks,
What was sex became Bach’s
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon.
When least you’d expect ‘em
They’d burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
“Dear, this must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is thicker
And slicker and quicker
And five inches longer than you.”

There once was a hooker from Russia,
Whose client was so fat he could crush 'er,
He cried out with glee
As she started to wee
Then they poisened her tea just to hush 'er.

There was a young man in Split
Who declared "well this is a tight fit"
But bless the young soul
He was in the wrong hole
And his penis was covered in shit

The prick of a docker from Fife
Was the longest I’ve seen in my life
One day in the garden
He had a big hard on
And hung up the clothes for his wife! 🤣🤣🤣

There was a musician from Rio,
Had it of with a lady named Clio,
As he pulled down her panties,
She said "No Andante,
I want this Allegro con Brio".

There was an old man from Bombay, who made a cunt out of clay, the heat from his dick, turned the clay into brick, and rubbed all his foreskin away. (still can't do paragraphs in this bloody app)

@Alderaan still funny

Last one from me...
A young man from Azerbajan,
Had a good time in old Amsterdam,
But his jaw his the floor,
When it turned out his whore,
Was really a fella named Jan.