I asked my husband why he loved me..:

[WinWinnieTheWay]

And he mumbled such a load of generic crap that I am seriously thinking about whether we should stay together.

He is not romantic or considerate, but he is sure enthusiastic when it comes to sex!!

It's very painful, but I think I need to accept that he's settled for me and isn't in love with me.

I think love is in our every day actions. It really doesn't matter what he did or didn't say. It matters what he does and doesn't do. Words are just words.

Everyone's reasons for love are generally the same so words don't really count for a lot.

We've been together 13 years and in that time my DH has bought me flowers a grand total of 1 time. DH doesn't do 'romantic' love, I don't get a kiss goodbye everyday and we don't tell each other we love each other everyday. Does that mean he doesn't love me? No, of course not. I don't need a list of reasons why he loves me and he doesn't need a list of reasons as to why I love him. We love each other because we do and it's really as simple as that.

@JadesRollerDisco

I think love is in our every day actions. It really doesn't matter what he did or didn't say. It matters what he does and doesn't do. Words are just words.

Agreed. I have a relative who's husband tells her she's beautiful, amazing, fabulous etc and seems to think that's what's required for actually treating her like shite and shagging anything that moves. She knows but 'he loves me so much, he said that blah blah blah'.

I did need to hear it though. We've been together a long time and have a lot on, but I still want it to be special. I don't want to be like siblings in the same house. He doesn't really do small things either as he's very busy, so I wanted some demonstration.

There is no back story. I just wanted to feel loved.

@WinWinnieTheWay

I did need to hear it though. We've been together a long time and have a lot on, but I still want it to be special. I don't want to be like siblings in the same house. He doesn't really do small things either as he's very busy, so I wanted some demonstration.

There is no back story. I just wanted to feel loved.

If he doesn't show you that he loves you then there are more issues there really. Maybe you need to tell him how you feel?

@WinWinnieTheWay

I did need to hear it though. We've been together a long time and have a lot on, but I still want it to be special. I don't want to be like siblings in the same house. He doesn't really do small things either as he's very busy, so I wanted some demonstration.

There is no back story. I just wanted to feel loved.

Will him saying I love you because you're kind and funny and caring generic generic generic really help? Or the superficial - I love you because your nose crinkles when you laugh, you scratch your ear when your nervous? Or the service - I love you because you always cook my favourite omlette on my birthday and always know which book i want better than I do?

I'm not trying to be mean, but what makes him live you Vs Margaret can be really hard to define in a way that is satisfactory. You need to talk to him about why you don't feel loved and called and what y you need from him. Him kissing attributes is likely to feel empty again once he does back to not showing it

I just asked DP why he loves me and his reply was "because you give good blow jobs" followed by "i just do"

I suspect the difference between my response of "your such a twat" and yours of feeling upset and hurt is that he shows me he loves me in small ways all the time and you feel unappreciated.

I don't know what exactly I wanted to hear, but something personal to me. I take the point that most men couldn't or wouldn't be able to answer that question.

It's perfectly clear that the OP isn't "fishing for compliments", her H doesnt show her that he loves her (as opposed to being satisfied with the general performance of an easily interchangeable domestic appliance) so she asked him directly. His answer has confirmed her concerns.

I would also question the investment you're making as you move towards old age, if he's ambivalent, as there is a heightened risk in ambivalent connection that he could cut and run for someone else he isn't ambivalent about. OP I would have a more detailed discussion and see if he can allay you concerns, otherwise you have some thinking to do.

It's hard to discus this issue here because you'll get such varied responses (as you've seen).
For example, I asked my ex why he loved me and he gave a wonderful answer about how lucky he was to have me / all the things about me that make me special etc etc - but that didn't match his actions as he was a horrible person. There is no way he loved me, no matter what he said.

If I asked DH the question, I'm 99% sure he'd either make a joke about loving me for my boobs 🙄 or mumble about how he 'just does' - but his actions show he fully, 100% loves me, and while it would be nice to hear it, I've accepted that just isn't the way he works. He shows it by bringing me choc chip shortbread home from work / taking me to Christmas markets when he doesn't like them / giving me a cuddle just because etc.

You know your DH best. If you told him his answer upset you and you are worried that he doesn't actually love you anymore, would he reassure you? How could he give you want you need if he isn't great with words? Could you tell him that?

It seems to me that you are both stressed and a bit miserable, and you're sliding into feeling as though he views you as a FWB rather than someone he loves. None of us know if that's the case, but if you can't communicate openly with him, you have no hope of sorting this out.

I don't know what exactly I wanted to hear, but something personal to me. I take the point that most men couldn't or wouldn't be able to answer that question.

Is it true that most men couldn't answer that question? That's a bit sad if it is. My husband would and could tell me, but I don't think I've ever asked. Probably because after 30 plus years I don't feel the need. We tell each other that we love each other all the time and I think I could predict what he would say if I did ask. His answers would probably mirror mine to some extent.

I may have missed it, but does your husband say that he loves you op? Does it sound sincere when he does? Does he only do it when he wants something? What were the generic answers? My husband would say that we laugh together as one of his reasons, but would you consider that generic?

I know others have said that you sound needy, but it's easy to appear that way if your basic needs in a relationship aren't being met.

What would you say if he put the same question to you?

If I asked my partner that he'd say "because you have good boobs". It would, of course, be a joke (although they're pretty good for my age still!), and certainly not one I'd leave him over, as a PP suggested. My point is, if you ask a leading, needy question like that, you're unlikely to get a right/perfect/sensible answer from a man. They just don't think like we do.

But if he's not showing his love at all, then yes, you have a problem.

Love is a feeling, some people are just not that articulate when put on the spot.

For the interests of this post, I asked my partner about being asked that question and he blanched and said there are two questions that strike fear into the hearts of most men, because they know they'll never get the answer right. The first is: why/do you love me? and the second is: do I look fat in this? 😂

Do you get regular quality time together?

God, theres an unpleasant question to be asked! As a man who struggles massively giving a quick answer when asked something as simple as "What do you fancy for dinner", I'd feel a deep pit of despair at being asked that.

I love my partner because I love her. I don't love her because of some set of defined characteristics or behaviours. I love her because she is her, take any of her characteristics away, good or bad and she'd be a different person, and I can't say whether it'd be a person I'd still love or not.

OP, words are not easy for some people. Have you heard of the 5 love languages: -

words of affirmation,
quality time,
receiving gifts,
acts of service,
physical touch.

Different people respond to different ones, sounds like Words of Affirmation are very high on yours, whereas its low on your husbands, while physical touch is fairly high on his by the sounds of it.

Mine are physical touch and quality time, with a side order of acts of service. Words of affirmation are way down the list for me, I don't need compliments and it feels very unnatural to me give them. To me, I don't need to say the words, because I show it in other ways.

After 13 years though, I've learnt that my DP does need the words, so I've trained myself. I've gotten myself into the habit of telling her I love her before we go to sleep. I set a reminder on my phone to mention her hair when she gets back from the hairdressers.

For her part, my DP has learnt that its not comfortable for me to say those words, and that the touch on her back when I pass her actually means "I love you"

Try to have a conversation with your husband about it, try and explain what you need without getting angry or upset, and hopefully he'll make the effort. But it probably won't be exactly what you're after, so expect to have to do some translation.

To be honest I'd struggle to answer a question like that. I know I love my DP, but I don't know WHY - it's very hard to articulate. Yes, he's nice and handsome and kind etc but so are lots of people and I haven't fallen in love with them.