Page 3 | I asked my husband why he loved me..:

WinWinnieTheWay · 2020-09-01T21:29:44+00:00

And he mumbled such a load of generic crap that I am seriously thinking about whether we should stay together. He is not romantic or considerate, but he is sure enthusiastic when it comes to sex!! It's very painful, but I think I need to accept that he's settled for me and isn't in love with me.

Original poster

WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 23:13

I asked because there is little evidence on our life. It is irritable and necessary, but lacks kindness and patience, so I asked. Actions speak louder than words. I am not special, he portably loves me like a a mate.

OP posts:

Original poster

WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 23:17

@MadCattery

That's so gorgeous! You must be and feel very special.

DH is quite critical on a day to day basis and quite naggy too. Maybe he just wants me to be better, but I thunk I should be loved and accepted as I am! But if he doesn't, then I have to make my peace either way and act accordingly,

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2020 23:18

@WinWinnieTheWay

I asked because there is little evidence on our life. It is irritable and necessary, but lacks kindness and patience, so I asked. Actions speak louder than words. I am not special, he portably loves me like a a mate.

Actions speak louder than words. Of you're unhappy in your marriage and with your sex life, it doesn't matter why he SAYS he loves you.

Why do you love him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2020 23:20

What should you be better at?

Neither of you sounds happy or fulfilled.

BlueJag · 01/09/2020 23:26

Why do you love him? Maybe that's the question. It's not about you not being special is about his feelings for you in general. Think about how you feel.

Cheeseandwin5 · 01/09/2020 23:54

I see no back story here ( for those wanting desperately to blame her DH).
I see a needy controlling manipulative person who is unhappy and wants to blame her DH for this.
I am sure we will now be getting an avalanche of other reasons why we should all hate the DH.

Cheeseandwin5 · 01/09/2020 23:58

If you don't love him or want to be treated differently thats fine.
There is no reason to stay with him if you think happiness lies elsewhere, but own it and take responsibility. Neither of you needs to be the victim.

locked2020 · 02/09/2020 00:11

@PurpleDaisies

It turns out I can’t even write coherent sentences now!

Hah! Completely irrelevant, but I tried to use your username and it was taken! Good choice of name!

locked2020 · 02/09/2020 00:16

It may be he was just caught on the hop or isn't great with words/emotions. I don't think it necessarily makes you needy - there are different love "languages" - if you're someone who likes feelings voiced to you and you're with someone who doesn't think that way, maybe a discussion on what's important to you both could help? He may show his love in other ways (or he may also just be settling/want to change you).

timeisnotaline · 02/09/2020 00:46

I see no back story here ( for those wanting desperately to blame her DH).
I see a needy controlling manipulative person who is unhappy and wants to blame her DH for this.
I am sure we will now be getting an avalanche of other reasons why we should all hate the DH.
That’s pretty unkind. Don’t we all want to feel a bit special to our other halves, even knowing that line us up next to the rest of the world and we don’t stand out in any way? My Dh just made me tea (home coworkers these days). If he never did any of that I would feel unappreciated.

Coffee4Queen · 02/09/2020 01:09

OP why do you love him?

Original poster

WinWinnieTheWay · 02/09/2020 04:05

I don't want anyone to hate my DH, I'm just sad that when he articulated his feelings (and I accept that I asked him) he didn't convince me that I am special to him.
We've had a tough time and sometimes it all feels like slog, I wanted/needed to feel loved, so I asked. He is very special to me despite the grind, he is still "the one" and I want to believe that is reciprocal and that I'm not a "she'll do" to him. I wanted reassurance, so I asked for it and was disappointed with the answer.

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workhomesleeprepeat · 02/09/2020 04:49

@WinWinnieTheWay

I don't want anyone to hate my DH, I'm just sad that when he articulated his feelings (and I accept that I asked him) he didn't convince me that I am special to him. We've had a tough time and sometimes it all feels like slog, I wanted/needed to feel loved, so I asked. He is very special to me despite the grind, he is still "the one" and I want to believe that is reciprocal and that I'm not a "she'll do" to him. I wanted reassurance, so I asked for it and was disappointed with the answer.

You express very well what you need from him here OP. You have a good way with words. Does he? Has he ever? Is he the type to make grand romantic gestures or statements?

Its not nice to feel taken for granted. But I do think you shot yourself in the foot a little by asking him the question you did directly. Maybe its more about telling him directly - look I do not feel loved right now, I love you, and I wish I could say I felt the same from you, I want to feel that I am special to you.

Sorry he's making you feel this way though, that's not nice

Guineapigbridge · 02/09/2020 05:00

This sort of thing used to be called fishing for compliments. It is a bit needy.

But if you need verbal affirmation, tell him in advance. e.g., I'd like a compliment from you later on as I feel unloved.

Downunderduchess · 02/09/2020 06:04

But hasn’t he ever said little things before, like I love the way you do such & such etc.? How did you end up married if you never knew (how) he loved you?

GreekOddess · 02/09/2020 06:31

If he asked dh he would probably tell me to stop being so needy and I would do like wise. It's a question you ask in the beginning of a new relationship. Quite odd and a bit annoying to be asked that question in an established relationship!

ChooksAndBooks · 02/09/2020 07:16

Some people aren't very aware of their own emotions and aren't very good at espressing them.

Some people can say the most beautifully phrased and most touching things and not mean a word of them.

Unless there's a larger back story it just seems like your DH isn't the most emotionally intelligent person which isn't a crime.

I'm pretty sure if I put my DH on the spot and asked him why he loves me he would say something fairly underwhelming too. I know he loves to me bits though.

hellswelshy · 02/09/2020 07:31

Agree with you ChooksAndBooks - my dh is not great at explaining how he feels, I've asked him many times why he loves me and he never gives me a satisfactory answer But, he shows me he loves me every single day, with his actions, his affection. And I do the same I hope!

People who are very fond of waxing lyrical about their love for a person don't always mean it, in my experience..

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 02/09/2020 07:42

For fuck’s sake, can people stop being so mean!
It’s not needy to not want to feel used for sex and taken for granted. The poor woman is down. Let’s not kick her even more.
OP, have you spoken to him about how he’s only nice to you when he wants sex?

eaglejulesk · 02/09/2020 09:19

This sort of thing used to be called fishing for compliments. It is a bit needy.

I agree with this. You keep complaining about his response - and to be fair many men are not good at expressing their feelings, especially when caught on the hop like this - but do you ever express how you feel to him? It all sounds a bit childish tbh.

Ickythumpego · 02/09/2020 09:23

Just asked my DH- he said "you make really good tea". I asked him a second time and he said "really, your tea is perfect".

Sometimes people just arent in the mood for such a deep conversation.

Coffeecak3 · 02/09/2020 09:36

My dh can be critical but mostly he makes me feel very cherished.
It's not what he says but how he makes you feel I think.

cariadlet · 02/09/2020 09:39

Fishing for compliments is the perfect description. DP isn't good with words; I am generally but not when it comes to feelings. We'd both be rubbish at answering that sort of question but I know we both love each other.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2020 09:43

Me: why do you love me?
DH: because I do.
Me: but why?
DH: because you're nice.

But he took the baby down this morning so I could sleep in, he made me coffee for when I got up and he's currently washing up. He shows me he lives me and not just by wanting to have sex.

Op if you don't feel loved tell him and talk to him. Don't make his list your fabulous sense of humour and your caring heart. At the end of the dad the reason people live each other is largely generic. We love kind people who are nice to us and other. We love people who make us smile and add something to our lives. We might love someone who challenges us to be a better person or who accepts us for who we are. The bit that makes you love Steve not Dave is usually down to shared experiences, chemistry and timing.

WhatamessIgotinto · 02/09/2020 09:44

My DH would say something ridiculous if I asked him this. 'Because you make good cakes' or 'you carry out your wifely duties well' (he would be joking and expect something thrown at him for this before anyone implodes). He wouldn't know what to say. He loves me, I love him but I'm not sure I could put into words why. We're not all poets.