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Original poster

I asked my husband why he loved me..:

93 replies

WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 22:29

And he mumbled such a load of generic crap that I am seriously thinking about whether we should stay together.

He is not romantic or considerate, but he is sure enthusiastic when it comes to sex!!

It's very painful, but I think I need to accept that he's settled for me and isn't in love with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 22:50

I suppose that I must be needy. I certainly don't feel loved or appreciated so I directly asked "what do you love about me?". I wish I hadn't and wish I hadn't shared here.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 01/09/2020 22:51

Sorry if it's a bit blunt but although he probably does love you, you aren't that special (I expect). As Tim Minchin so eloquently said, 'if I wasn't with you, I would be with someone else '. Fancy asking him that.

BashfulClam · 01/09/2020 22:51

I can’t say why I love DH, lots of good things but I love him and that’s it.

Frownette · 01/09/2020 22:51

This reply has been deleted

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wildcherries · 01/09/2020 22:53

@Frownette

Because I do? Why is this not enough petulant child?
Harsh.
Newjez · 01/09/2020 22:53

It does sound like a good thread title, 'why do you love your partner?'

Original poster
WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 22:54

@Rainsummer

That's pretty much what he said. I feel disposable.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2020 22:56

You might be better posting about the issues you’re having with him generally (not this one conversation) on the relationships board.

victoriasponge678 · 01/09/2020 22:56

There must be a back story - I could not really describe why I love my husband, I just do ?

There are lots of things about him but if I described them they would probably sound very generic. Nice eyes, nice person, caring, etc doesn't mean he is not special as he def is to me

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2020 22:56

Is there always a back story ?

Frownette · 01/09/2020 22:57

@wildcherries you can't expect someone to faint at your feet every day in awe and gratitude. That isn't life.

It's very one way isn't it, wonder how loved husband feels?

RaininSummer · 01/09/2020 23:01

Wineinnie, but he is with you not someone else. If there are other issues then think about them, not the effect a few throwaway words have had.

Original poster
WinWinnieTheWay · 01/09/2020 23:01

I asked him because although I know he loves me in his own secret, silent way, I see no evidence of it. Am I petulant to want to feel special to one person? Selfish and childish? Is life just one big "life's not fair" drag?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/09/2020 23:02

Do you believe in the romantic ideal of love? That there's only one soul mate?

The reality is that each one of us could be with someone else and we'd love them too.
Love is a mix of attraction and shared experiences and friendship.
And some people just aren't good at expressing feelings.

However, if you feel unloved in his actions as well, then you have a problem

BackforGood · 01/09/2020 23:03

I can’t say why I love DH, lots of good things but I love him and that’s it.

This ^
dh is my absolute rock, but "love" is quite hard to define or describe. It is almost like a belief, or faith... you just "know". Maybe if the question were "What attracted me to him, in the first place" or "why, after the first few weeks, did I think this one 'has something' " that might make it easier. If I just asked him out of the blue "Why do you love me?", he'd most likely look confused and ask what I meant.

It sounds very needy.
I don't think many of us that aren't poets or lyricists can capture what it is about our dh / dw / dp that makes us love them.

As so many have said "we just do"

Trisolaris · 01/09/2020 23:03

I’m with @RaininSummer

If I hadn’t met and fallen in love with dp I probably would have met and fallen in love with someone else. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be really devastated to lose him but if I’d never met him then that’s a different story isn’t it!

It sounds like there are bigger issues in your relationship though if you feel he is only nice to you when he wants sex.

wildcherries · 01/09/2020 23:04

[quote Frownette]@wildcherries you can't expect someone to faint at your feet every day in awe and gratitude. That isn't life.

It's very one way isn't it, wonder how loved husband feels?[/quote]
I agree with that. I think it's fair enough to ask, as long as you are prepared for the answer to be whatever it is. I wouldn't call anyone a petulant child, though.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/09/2020 23:04

Turn it around a bit: what did you want or hope that he’d say? Is this about a pattern of him not seeming to make much special effort generally, which you’re extrapolating into his reasons for loving you not being special or thoughtful enough?

Why do I love DP? We share the same sense of humour, we are completely easygoing around each other, he’s a hard worker and the sex is great. I mean, none of those things are particularly unique or romantic, are they?

agododopushpineapple · 01/09/2020 23:08

How old are you OP? This does all sound a bit teenage. If I asked DH this think he would also mumble something out - particularly if o just dropped it out of no where while he’s say, sat watching tv. I’d probably do the same.

RaininSummer · 01/09/2020 23:09

Perhaps ask yourself 'how' he shows his love rather than trying to find it in words. Can you think of little or big things which he does for you which make you happy? Actually look into 'the language of love' as couples often have different ways of feeling loved.

RaininSummer · 01/09/2020 23:09

Perhaps ask yourself 'how' he shows his love rather than trying to find it in words. Can you think of little or big things which he does for you which make you happy? Actually look into 'the language of love' as couples often have different ways of feeling loved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2020 23:10

Why did you marry each other?

How long have you been together?

Has he ever told you how he feels in a way that made you feel cherished?

MadCattery · 01/09/2020 23:11

I read this and asked DH why he loves me. He said I turned his head when he first saw me, and when I sat next to him in school, I made him feel like he was someone special and I make his heart sing. (I sat next to him in school in 1977, broke up in the eighties and got back together 13 yrs ago.). I think every woman deserves an answer like that. It has made my heart sing too! Tell him how important it is to hear kind words. He can do better, I’m sure.

Trisolaris · 01/09/2020 23:12

When you say he is only vocally nice to you in the bedroom does he do other things for you to show he cares?

I mean I don’t think I give many compliments to my dp at all! If anything I can be a bit (jokingly) mean, but I always show care in other ways such as by showing an interest in things he cares about, cooking for us, supporting him etc and he is much the same with me.

BadEyeBri · 01/09/2020 23:12

Awh @MadCattery that's gorgeous
I asked my DH and he said because you have big boobs 😳

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