Another third Baby Dilemma

[Mishmased]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for thoughts/opinions as to whether or not to continue to try for a third child.

We're married 15 years (in sept) and are age 34 and DH 35.
We have two kids aged 7 and just turned 5 and DH always knew I wanted 3 kids. We didn't have any kids after the second was born because we moved in 2017 and I changed jobs and we bought a 4 bed house in 2018.

By the time I was ready for another baby in 2019, I got a job offer into an area that I always wanted to move to so I took it and it meant waiting as I was on a 2 year contract. Got made perm and covid kicked in, around same time DH agreed to have a third. He has always been adamant that he's done at two, would have been fine with 1 child but I didn't want that as I'm an only child.

We talked again in May and decided to go ahead and I was pregnant in July but lost it at 6 weeks. Now I'm not sure I want a child.

My main reason for desiring another child is for my kids to have another sibling. I do not enjoy the baby phase at all and I start to enjoy it from 10 months onwards.

My kids never slept as babies and it was tough as we have no help.

I don't feel like I want a baby when I see babies although I have always been like that.

DH doesn't want another but he was spoilt by his parents and only learnt to do stuff when we were together so he's more dreading the 'work' that comes with a baby.

We will need a bigger car or multimac seat as we have two hatchback cars.

My kids will be 8 and 6 when baby is born and I worry about the age gaps.

My career will suffer again if I have another baby.
We will be back to square one again and DH is an unwilling participant.

Any thoughts (or bollocking) will be taken on board 😊

Doesn’t sound like you want another.

After 33/34 you have a higher risk of multiples, so think about the possibility of twins or triplets.

Your kids already have each other and their friends at school, your husband is not keen, you’re not that keen yourself... the cons seem to outweigh the pros.

Neither of you seem particularly keen. Your children have a sibling so they don’t really need another one.

I wouldn't do it given what you've said.

Stick with two and enjoy them. A third now will be so different in age it won't be much fun as a sibling anyway. IMO that is.

However- how much of your view is real or how much is distorted thinking following grief from your lost baby? Ie a protective mechanism so you don't have that pain again ?

Thanks for your replies. I have been thinking about this for a good while now since 2017 so it is not like I suddenly became broody. I worry about not having another and regret it but also worry about ending up with twins or triplets (a friend had twins and another pregnant with triplets but delivered twins).

And yes a part of me could be trying to shield myself from the potential loss of another child. I'm used to planning and had both babies in my twenties, both had after discussing about having babies. So the mc was a huge shock as it never ever occurred to me that it could ever happen (I guess if it never happened to you before you don't consider it).

I feel my kids would benefit hugely from having another sibling and they're my main reason for still considering it and not sure if I mentioned it already but I am an only child. I am confident, bubbly and adaptable but I miss having a sibling. There have been times I just want to pick up the phone and talk to a brother/sister and it is just not possible. I want them to hopefully have each other and have a 'sensible' sibling to bring them together if there's any issues (I know fat chance). I understand that this is my 'issue' being projected on my kids.
I understand the expense and whilst we are not loaded we will be ok. To put into perspective with our two so close together we barely had any money left after paying rent, bills, childcare but we persevered and wages have pretty much doubled since when my first was born.

As the main wage earner I always save for extra mat leave as I get paid full pay for 6 months. I am willing to put in the extra work and just recently due to covid switched to working shift so only need childcare for 3 days. I am also willing to take the hit career wise for another 3 years to raise the child but I'm so unsure.
Is 8 years between three children a lot or is a gap of 6 years between next siblings too much?
DH is 35 and the agreement is after he turns 36 and I 35 there will be no more babies as he's not keen on having teenagers in his fifties although they will be closer to adults really.

This is so long and I apologize as I have no one to talk to and be this frank, if I had a sibling then maybe we could be honest with each other. I feel people just don't want to hurt your feelings by being truthful and blunt so I can't have a proper conversation.
Thanks for reading this far.

I’m in a similar position, I’ve been umming and arring for 6 years though. The age gap would be huge now my 2 are nearing the teen years, but there’s good and bad in all gaps so I wouldn’t let that be a factor. It does sound like you are trying to convince yourself you want one. If you find yourself making excuses then deep down you probably don’t want one. Speak to dh and weigh up the pros and cons for your family, don’t just have one because you want 3. I know how hard it is though, I had a pregnancy scare last year and even though it’s what I wanted I panicked and strangely felt relieved the test was negative. I do plan to still go ahead and have a third as I know I will regret it if I don’t.

@Ishihtzuknot that's the thing though, I think I will regret it. How old are yours?

I have three siblings and I can't say I'm that close to any of them. You are idealising an imaginary relationship. And your children already have a sibling each. If you're basing decisions on imaginary relationships, why not imagine that the youngest feels left out of the bond of the older two?

Better still, leave out imagination all together and decide if and your husband want another child.

Close sibling relationships are not a given, Im notnclose to my sibling at all neither is DH.

My mum has 11 and isn't close to any of them.

We are currently considering a 3rd with similar age gaps, but because we want one. If I wasn't that keen on babies and didn't want to take time out of my career and DH didn't want one then I wouldn't even contemplate it.

To have a third child just to offer two existing siblings 'another sibling' seems a really bonkers reason, neither you or your DH sound at all keen ... I would hate to be that third child .

I am one of three and so is my DH, neither of us are at all close to our siblings and can go for years without seeing each other and maybe the very occasional chat on the phone - it is absolutely not a sensible reason to have children and assume they will all get on as siblings.

Add Covid, the state of the economy, world etc into the decision and I genuinely fail to understand why anyone would choose to have another child at the moment. We have an only child, he is happy, well balanced and has a wide circle of friends.

A 10 and 8 year old will probably find a 2 year old more annoying than fun TBH. That’s the stage of child rearing when you spend most of your time being a taxi driver to various after school / weekend activities.

And of course they never like the same thing, so it’s always a juggling act. Even less fun when you have to force a screaming toddler in and out the car seat multiple times, buying them endless sweets in the cafe at the swimming pool during lessons or keeping them quiet in the tiny waiting area outside ballet.

An 8 / 6 year gap isn’t a lot when they are adults but they are unlikely to be close friends until then. Let’s face it, an 18 year old isn’t going to go out places with her 10 year old brother. Even a 14 year old is an embarrassment.

So no, I wouldn’t do it so the children can have another sibling. And it doesn’t sound like you and your Dh are that keen.

In your situation I’d be throwing myself into my career to make up for lost time. And making sure your “ spoilt “ Dh takes his share of housework and childcare. Thats important for you AND the children to see.

How exactly would you children "benefit hugely" from another sibling?

I am one of 3 and hated it. I vowed if I had children (I don't) I would never ever have 3.

I got on well with one sister but me and the other sister fought like dog and cat all the time. Now in our 60's we only see each other at Christmas and rarely talk on the phone. I still get on well with the other sister and we see each other about once a month (don't live near each other)

Tbh going from your op and other posts I wouldn't have another child. I don't think they will benefit hugely from another sibling either if at all imo

I don’t see that your kids would get a lot of benefit from it tbh. My sister is 8 years younger and she’s wonderful and I love her to bits but we were at wildly different stages. She annoyed a lot as a toddler and I hated being dragged to soft play etc. When she was older I looked after her a lot and had more of a maternal relationship with her, we didn’t really start interacting as equals and typical siblings until she was a teenager and I’d left home. I’m glad that I have her but if I already had a sibling close in age I’m not sure how much extra I would have gotten from an additional sibling 8 years younger.

If YOU want to do it, by all means go for it- but I don’t think it’s something to do for your children’s benefit.

See, I'm one of 3 (middle child) and I loved it growing up. Very close to both my siblings and I desperately wanted to replicate that and have 3 kids. We also lost my younger brother a few years back to cancer and my sister and I had each other to lean on and for our parents too.

I have 2 boys and won't be having a 3rd. They're nearly 9 and 6 years old and as much as I enjoy the odd daydream of a third child, there really doesn't seem to be anyone "missing" from our family anymore. My boys are so close and love each other fiercely and honestly as much as I love the baby stage, I don't think I can be dealing with going back to bags of pampers, strollers and all the baby crap generally.

We also have no choice here but to privately educate so that would be a third set of fees to pay ($12k a year) which I'd rather spend on holidays. You're at the "easy" years between toddlerhood and teenage years, relax and enjoy them!

If you're in 2 minds, definitely don't do it. Your kids don't need another sibling, they already have each other. Only ever have another if you both feel it's right.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your opinions. I know came across as not wanting to have another, I put it so bluntly just to show that it isn't a case of broodiness more something that I've realistically thought about. I didn't enjoy the baby phase but I did it twice as I knew it doesn't last long. I would love another child but that wouldn't be my main reason, I have to consider my two kids which I am doing. DH whilst enthusiastic is happy to have another and even if its twins we will be able to adjust (big adjustment it will be).
I know I put a lot on my last post but I was trying to get stuff off my chest and put down my thoughts in black and white. DH is not aware of my thoughts at the moment he's still on the 'we will try again soon'. We will not be having this conversation once he turns 36 and I 35 in jun next year.
I appreciate you all taking time to respond to my post. Thank you.

@Ragwort

To have a third child just to offer two existing siblings 'another sibling' seems a really bonkers reason, neither you or your DH sound at all keen ... I would hate to be that third child .

I am one of three and so is my DH, neither of us are at all close to our siblings and can go for years without seeing each other and maybe the very occasional chat on the phone - it is absolutely not a sensible reason to have children and assume they will all get on as siblings.

Add Covid, the state of the economy, world etc into the decision and I genuinely fail to understand why anyone would choose to have another child at the moment. We have an only child, he is happy, well balanced and has a wide circle of friends.

I completely understand, like I said I'm an only child and I'm very well balanced. I never missed having a sibling as such but they had been times when I don't want to talk to a friend and would have loved to chat with someone that knows me well. I see how my two interact and I love it and wish I had it. I don't think you get that sort of relationship from a friend that is my experience.

I have 3 sisters.

I tell my BF everything. She knows me better than my sisters.

I've got 3. Love them all but I'd stop at 2 if I could go back.

Your children already have a sibling. I think you'd be mad to have another child now. You sound thoroughly over the baby stage, you're settled in your career now and your children are getting more interesting as they get older.

Don't risk your current stability. I wouldn't.

I've known a couple of families with this set-up - two siblings close in age, then another one or two who are much younger. None of them have ever been close to the younger siblings, in childhood or as adults.

As PP have said, there is no guarantee a sibling relationship will add any value to life anyway. I have a sister 2 years younger than me. We share similar political views, so we text each other a couple of times a week to discuss current affairs, but we don't share deep secrets with each other and there have been times in our lives when we've gone months without speaking after an argument.

From what you've said, I wouldn't have a third child, personally.

Thanks so much for the responses. It is good to hear people give their opinions without them worrying about upsetting me. I wouldn't get this from family and friends so I appreciate your frankness.

I have two siblings and am not close to either of them. Our children see each other about three times a year so don't have a close cousins relationship. There is no guarantee your three would get on, so personally I wouldn't let that be the main reason for having a third.

I bet if you asked your dcs which they wanted:: a baby brother or sister or a dog,, they'd choose the dog.

I really don't see why you think it would benefit them hugely. Another baby will limit family life for them in terms of what you can do on days out and holidays and impact the family budget. Most of all, they will get less one to one time with you and their dad. There's no guarantee at all that they will be close as adults.
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You may have thought you'd always wanted 3, but you are allowed to change your mind. I think you're spot on in realising that your miscarriage has had a big effect on your feelings. It's too soon to be making decisions. But it may have given tipped the balance regarding the validity to an alternative point of view and that is no bad thing,, considering your dh's feelings.

@Thymeout I did ask my eldest and the response was a pet (lizard or a bearded dragon)😆
My reaction to the miscarriage made me realize maybe I don't really want to do it all again. DH may not want another but he is willing for my sake if I really want one. But there was no denying the glimpse of sheer joy on his face last night when I said 'what if we decide to not have another child?'

But again What if I said I was broody for another, I wonder would people's opinions change as opposed to my wanting a sibling for my kids?
Yes things will be so much easier, I can focus on my career, more money, mortgage paid off quicker, holidays etc but aren't those materialistic when compared with the joy another child brings? The companionships, love, personality?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just putting my thoughts down in black and white.
Thanks for the responses so far.