Another third Baby Dilemma

[Mishmased]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for thoughts/opinions as to whether or not to continue to try for a third child.

We're married 15 years (in sept) and are age 34 and DH 35.
We have two kids aged 7 and just turned 5 and DH always knew I wanted 3 kids. We didn't have any kids after the second was born because we moved in 2017 and I changed jobs and we bought a 4 bed house in 2018.

By the time I was ready for another baby in 2019, I got a job offer into an area that I always wanted to move to so I took it and it meant waiting as I was on a 2 year contract. Got made perm and covid kicked in, around same time DH agreed to have a third. He has always been adamant that he's done at two, would have been fine with 1 child but I didn't want that as I'm an only child.

We talked again in May and decided to go ahead and I was pregnant in July but lost it at 6 weeks. Now I'm not sure I want a child.

My main reason for desiring another child is for my kids to have another sibling. I do not enjoy the baby phase at all and I start to enjoy it from 10 months onwards.

My kids never slept as babies and it was tough as we have no help.

I don't feel like I want a baby when I see babies although I have always been like that.

DH doesn't want another but he was spoilt by his parents and only learnt to do stuff when we were together so he's more dreading the 'work' that comes with a baby.

We will need a bigger car or multimac seat as we have two hatchback cars.

My kids will be 8 and 6 when baby is born and I worry about the age gaps.

My career will suffer again if I have another baby.
We will be back to square one again and DH is an unwilling participant.

Any thoughts (or bollocking) will be taken on board 😊

@RandomTree my eldest woke every 2 hours until he was 21 months. For almost 2 years I functioned on 4 hrs broken sleep max during the week. Was plagued with eczema, allergies and reflux as a baby. It def would have put me off if that was my youngest.
My youngest was marginally better with sleep only because eldest was horrific 😁

@Sailingblue I am very practical and like to plan. Some people will way too practical. The lack of sleep that comes with a baby I'm used to as both mine barely slept, I only have friends with babies sleeping from six weeks old never mine. The bigger car (I did visit a garage in July to look at bigger cars). I can deal with being in the same role for the next 2-3 years and extra crèche fees.
I do feel like we're missing someone when we're together.
One of my neighbors just had a baby today and another due tomorrow, gorgeous but It doesn't make me weak or anything because they're only babies for a short while. Thanks again for your thoughts.

@Tootletum that is my fear. We would decide not to and then have an accident at age 36 or 38 (I'm 34 atm) and we will all (kids included) will be truly old. Thanks for sharing.

@amusedbush two of my child's classmate have same age gaps with their siblings. My neighbor baby born today has a 7 year old.
Siblings are always annoying tho unless they're twins 👍

[quote Mishmased]@amusedbush two of my child's classmate have same age gaps with their siblings. My neighbor baby born today has a 7 year old.
Siblings are always annoying tho unless they're twins 👍[/quote]
This is true

I don't know anyone who wouldn't have cheerfully throttled their sibling(s) at some point!

@Mishmased Don't worry too much if it does happen though. Our lives are perfectly nice now, it was only at the time it was kind of a nightmare. And because I know we're both idiots I went on the Mirena coil and having that certainty about contraception has been fantastic for both of us.

Thank you all for your responses. We had a long chat where he acknowledges that if it is down to him he wouldn't but he knows how much I want a third child and is happy to go ahead and have one. Now to be fair to him he was always ok with having a third but felt done after the second.

He said he was very worried (and I remember but I was a bit spaced off) during my labour for the second and he never wants me to go through it again. I have explained that any more babies will be a planned section and as much as I would love to give birth at home in a birthing pool, that is never going to happen.

He admitted to being happy when I was pregnant and now he's worried about another miscarriage. He felt helpless and confused during the miscarriage and would rather not have to go through it again (you and me both).

Now I kind of understand the sudden strong opinions he had against a third. Tbh I was baffled at his refusal, this is a man I've been with since age 16 and I always wanted 4 children but he put his foot down and said not happening so compromised at 3. Hopefully we can keep talking as I still cannot make up my mind. I have gone between baby one day to no baby the next day.
I will comeback and post an update of whatever we decide to do. Thanks everyone for sharing your experience, loads of food for thought

[quote Tootletum]@Mishmased Don't worry too much if it does happen though. Our lives are perfectly nice now, it was only at the time it was kind of a nightmare. And because I know we're both idiots I went on the Mirena coil and having that certainty about contraception has been fantastic for both of us.[/quote]
Very good, you don't want to be me in a year's time asking about a 4th

Four is surely much easier than five for cars, holidays, bedrooms, etc. And, at the risk of being that person, the environment...

I think the fact that your DH doesn't really want a third child and is doing it 'to make you happy' is just not a good enough reason to have a third. Why aren't your two existing DC enough?

Have you seriously talked through with your DH how you will cope if it is twins, or a child with a disability, or, hopefully this wouldn't happen but should be thought about, you die in childbirth & your DH is left to bring up three DC?

@UnaCorda I know, I'll just have to live with the environmental guilt and find other ways of contributing to save the planet

@Ragwort we haven't decided yet but we have compromised and we can compromise again either him or me. My kids are enough but I would love another. I don't know if that is going to happen as we are still talking.
Dying is always a possibility as soon as one is born, can't be worrying about that.

Don’t do it. You’re out of the sleepless nights, nappies and bottles stage and the large baby equipment.

To have a six year gap and then start again would be hard.

Also it’s really hard to find things to do as a family as the older ones won’t want to go to the babyish soft plays or anything like that.

I also don’t like the symmetry of 3! I’d stick with the 2 you have x

@Jimdandy that is the very sensible option isn't it 😁

I woke up this morning thoroughly exhausted and thought to myself how am I going to cope with a baby with this level of exhaustion? I woke shift so feel like utter crap on my second day off. So with that thought I'm in the 'no' camp today. Yesterday was the 'maybe' and two days before 'yes'. I'm going bonkers ha.

have 3. But within 4.5 years. I wouldn't go back to baby stage in your position unless there was a prompt like a new relationship.

It would be OK and work out, but the doubt is there and you'd probably think I didn't need to put myself through this

I gave myself a deadline and knew if it didn't happen by then I would leave it.

I did 11 years going to the primary school as it was - your 6 year old will likely go up to secondary as the youngest started primary....

I was in a similar position and someone said to me "quit while you are ahead" it stuck with me and now I'm glad we only have two. Life is easier now in so many ways

@Gwynfluff there is absolutely no way I would have had 3 in 4.5 years ha! My kids never slept compared to others and that would mean 3 lots of mat leave in 4 years. No way we would have been able to manage 3 kids and work.
I don't mind the age gap actually, two neighbors of mine have had babies in the last two days. One has a 7 year age gap and the other has a 4 year age gap. But I understand why people have them that close

@Couch25k do you ever regret it? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

@Mishmased no I honestly dont. We dont have to get a bigger car, holidays are cheaper etc. Two children with all that entails and both of us working full time is more than enough. I have a boy and a girl too, so I do feel I'm done

Now, they are older and we are clawing a bit of a life back, although we have different challenges. All in all no I'm.happy with my lot x

Also women at a certain age get that broodiness feeling? Natures way of trying one last time before it's too late.....

@Couch25k thanks very much. I'm glad to hear that. It is looking like we will be staying the way we are as much as it kills me to admit it. Thanks again.

I had twins, three kids under 2,

They needed a room each, so bigger house, bigger car, holidays are difficult as they cater for a family of four, so two rooms, or squashed in one, food packs are designed for 4 people as well, even event tickets or day trips cost more because it’s always 2/2 even the free breakfasts are for one child per adult!!
Even buy one get one free deals won’t cover it and it feels like you’ve been cheated!!
Extra washing, extra parents evenings, sports days, school trips,
To be fair they’ve had one trip each a year apart so they could go! Certainly weren’t going skiing!!

@BluebellsGreenbells very true and there's also the possibility of twins

@BluebellsGreenbells I just read that again! 3 under 2 how did you manage 😆😆
I barely survived with 2 under 3, hats off to you!