Another third Baby Dilemma

[Mishmased]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for thoughts/opinions as to whether or not to continue to try for a third child.

We're married 15 years (in sept) and are age 34 and DH 35.
We have two kids aged 7 and just turned 5 and DH always knew I wanted 3 kids. We didn't have any kids after the second was born because we moved in 2017 and I changed jobs and we bought a 4 bed house in 2018.

By the time I was ready for another baby in 2019, I got a job offer into an area that I always wanted to move to so I took it and it meant waiting as I was on a 2 year contract. Got made perm and covid kicked in, around same time DH agreed to have a third. He has always been adamant that he's done at two, would have been fine with 1 child but I didn't want that as I'm an only child.

We talked again in May and decided to go ahead and I was pregnant in July but lost it at 6 weeks. Now I'm not sure I want a child.

My main reason for desiring another child is for my kids to have another sibling. I do not enjoy the baby phase at all and I start to enjoy it from 10 months onwards.

My kids never slept as babies and it was tough as we have no help.

I don't feel like I want a baby when I see babies although I have always been like that.

DH doesn't want another but he was spoilt by his parents and only learnt to do stuff when we were together so he's more dreading the 'work' that comes with a baby.

We will need a bigger car or multimac seat as we have two hatchback cars.

My kids will be 8 and 6 when baby is born and I worry about the age gaps.

My career will suffer again if I have another baby.
We will be back to square one again and DH is an unwilling participant.

Any thoughts (or bollocking) will be taken on board 😊

Sometimes you have to live with the broodiness, because it’s not the right thing to have another child. It’s just a feeling.

Sometimes I feel like running away from my annoying kids or boring job. Or shagging the very hot young man in accounts. But I don’t because it’s not the right decision.

We can’t be governed by our hormones.

I was finished having kids after my 2nd and a 3rd was not on my radar at all but then I had a surprise pregnancy and now baby. I couldn't have imagined it at all but he is perfect and I feel so lucky to have him. My older 2 adore him.
I'm 35 now.

@ALLIS0N

Sometimes you have to live with the broodiness, because it’s not the right thing to have another child. It’s just a feeling.

Sometimes I feel like running away from my annoying kids or boring job. Or shagging the very hot young man in accounts. But I don’t because it’s not the right decision.

We can’t be governed by our hormones.

Love the analogy @ALLIS0N 😁

@Delbelleber

I was finished having kids after my 2nd and a 3rd was not on my radar at all but then I had a surprise pregnancy and now baby. I couldn't have imagined it at all but he is perfect and I feel so lucky to have him. My older 2 adore him. I'm 35 now.

If you don't mind me asking how old were your kids? At the start of March after deciding to wait we had a scare but that was because we had decided to wait. I have been thinking about this seriously all weekend. It is literally all I can think of 🤦‍♀️

Hi. Older 2 are 7 and 12.

I would just focus on the family you have now. It doesn’t sounds like anyone in the family would benefit from another child.

I have 3 -they are 9, 6 and 2 (tomorrow).

I think it is hard going back to the baby stage once you have toilet trained pre-school/school children...but by the third you do kind of know what you get in return for the hard work and whether that weighs up for you and your family. I knew that I definitely wanted a third, DH was up for it and we both accepted that would mean getting thru the baby phase again. I did have a bit of fear around having twins though, especially as I was 42 at the time. But it all worked out wonderfully. I had two boys first, both can be a handful in various ways...in no3 I have a daughter, and my first experience of a calm and sensible toddler!

You don’t sound terribly keen on no3, or maybe you are trying to talk yourself out of it...but what I would say is, the baby phase gets shorter and shorter with each child. I think because you recognise the stages much more clearly, there’s less stress and focus on challenging bits -phases of poor sleep etc- when you know everything passes with time, it all goes much quicker. And when you know it’s your last baby, the last time you’ll have each phase, you tend to treasure it all a little more while time just seems to fly by.

With my 3rd turning 2 tomorrow I can’t believe how quickly time has gone and how there will be no more babies in this home.

I became pregnant with dc3 when mine were 7 & 5. So like you the gap was 8 & 6 yrs. I was also 36 when I had dc3. Ideally I would have preferred a smaller gap, but life happens. It did however mean that I was able to spend quality time with dc3 as the other 2 were at school. So we were able to do all the baby/toddler clubs without an older child. Cars fit car seats for 3 in easily enough too. Ds1 is about to start his final year at uni & dd1 is about to start her 1st year. Ds2 is nearly 12 & quite looking forward to being an ‘only’ child during term time. He is closest to his sister who at 6 adored having a baby brother & we jokingly called her mini-mum as she was so amazing with him. She still mothers him a bit but that is due to my health issues. I can’t imagine not having dc3 & always said I wanted 2 or 3 dc, but realistically never felt Our family was complete until we’d had dc3. 4 was never a possibility though.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Delbelleber

Hi. Older 2 are 7 and 12.

Thanks. Almost looks like you planned your 5 year gaps😁

@Aspergallus thanks so much for that. The knowledge that the baby phase doesn't last long is what gives me hope 🤣🤣

If I have another it will be a third section and I doubt I'll get a baby that sleeps great this time.
My reaction to Miscarrying last month got me thinking and questioning myself. I felt disappointed but I looked at it from the non-viable aspect so didn't dwell on it.

I think the crux of it is DH doesn't want to but will go ahead just to please me. If he was undecided but he's not interested and hasn't been since our youngest was born. Another conversation tonight and I told him I feel sad, very sad.

@Aspergallus happy birthday to your little one. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

@Badgerstmary your post brought tears to my eyes (I'm forever emotional these days).
I hear you about life and nursery fees getting in the way. Ideally baby should have been born last year but I changed jobs so decided to wait. I turned 34 in June so close to the same age when you had your youngest. What is the relationship between your eldest and youngest like?

You husband clearly doesn’t want a third and I think it’s irresponsible of you both to be going ahead in those circumstances - this is not a case of he’s chill either way - most people don’t get looks of ‘sheer joy’ on their face when discussing stopping trying to have more kids. Going ahead to please you is an approach fraught with danger, IMO.

I agree with PP. my husband wasn't keen for a second but I managed to convince him. It ended in miscarriage too and to my surprise I had very strong feelings that it wasn't the right choice after all (for lots of reasons). It also made me realise that actually, having a baby with someone who was very clear they didn't want another would be a bad idea.
We stuck at one and it's great. I might have regret in the future but life is too short to be consumed by that. You already have two children close in age, just enjoy the life you have now.

Oh and FWIW my husband is one of 3, has never been close to his siblings. Mine is much older, we've always been at completely different phases of life, therefore not close as kids at all and marginally better in adulthood but I'm still closer to my friends!

Your posts don’t scream that you’re desperate for a third. For me though, I think you found lots of reasons to put of trying (the job, the house etc) whereas friends of mine that really wanted a third, would have just done it regardless of the circs.

My youngest is 18m and I’ve got a feeling off being done. I don’t know if that will change in a few years time as hormones start up again but I do think you can forget how overwhelming the early years can be.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, we’ve had a lovely day.

The baby phase really does get shorter -both in the way it passes and in reality. A tiny person with two small humans to copy doesn’t want to be in nappies/sit in a high chair/drink from sippy cups for long. When I think how long number 1 seemed a helpless baby compared to 3, it’s like they are a different species!

I don’t know if it helps at all, but my DH didn’t want any more after no1...but he knew I did and accepted my feeling were stronger and obviously we had more. He said something like “I’d be happy with 1 but if you really want to, I can accept that” and he meant it. He is devoted to all 3 and no matter how hard things have been at times, he has never thrown these choices in my face. In my gut I know he’d be happy being a dad of a couple more. I don’t think the situation is as black and white as sometimes presented; some men are just quite passive about the actual practicalities of children like how many and when, or even fearful of having a stronger opinion on something that their partner will largely have to endure, but go on to be decent and devoted partners.

In my gut I knew....not know* there will be no more!

@Sailingblue on paper it looks like that but the reality is different. Due to circumstances we had to pull out of buying our first home in 2012. We were unable to afford to buy again until 2018 and I wasn't going to have another child unless we had a guaranteed roof over our head. I almost wished I got pregnant after we bought the house. But I see how it looks when it is written 😁

@Aspergallus glad to hear you had a lovely time. My youngest turned 5 on the 9th so another August child 😁
I always wanted 4 but realistically settled for 3 as DH said not happening with 4 and I know in my heart it will be tough in everyone. The compromise was 3 only until I turn 35 and after I turn 35 no more babies. I also know that he is happy at two children and like your DH will be happy with a third if I want.
I feel I will regret it if I don't have another and you know this from having 3 it is not then same as your first baby and with the age gap there's more time for the youngest and older kids. And a break after the first two before fees for the third. My head is melted!

It must be hard for you if you genuinely don’t know. I’ve had friends that have had such an overwhelming desire for 3 they would have done it even in unpractical circs. That’s not to say that’s sensible but they felt incomplete with 2. Others have had accidents and then had a dilemma over what to do. There will always be a spectrum where different families will have different cut-off points for when the emotion is outweighed by practicalities, money etc. I‘m pretty sure I’m done after 2. I’ve always said if I had unlimited money I’d have a third but I’m not so sure I’d do that now even with a lottery win. I look at newborns and feel no broodiness at all. That makes things much easier for me so I have every sympathy for you.

I have three and I have to tell you that DC3 was the hardest by far - a terrible sleeper and a very wilful determined toddler! He's lovely now (age 10) but having three is still hard - they all do lots of sport so DH and I spend our weekends ferrying them to matches etc. Don't believe the people who say the third will just fit in as it's not necessarily true!

I agree with pp, it sounds like you're in a good place career-wise and settled with two kids.

With regard to wanting to give your kids another sibling, the age gap will be hard. My only sibling is 6 years younger than me and we had nothing to do with each other until he was well into his teens. We couldn't really play together when he was little, then when I was a teenager he was just my annoying little brother who broke all of my stuff and threw tantrums. I moved out when he was 14 and we've never been close.

You say yourself If you have a third, you will need a bigger car, there will be a big age gap and you feel your career may suffer.

You have 2 healthy children , I’d stick with that personally.

In your shoes I wouldn't. We wanted a third for ages, then decided not to risk it as our second had birth defects, then my husband figured one little mistake wouldn't result in pregnancy at 40. He wrong... And oh my god I cannot describe how tired I am, and that's with a good sleeper. She's 2 now and whilst she's the light of my life, I think our family would've been just as happy with two kids. Also, rather cheaper holidays!

Also I should add that I'm still insanely broody, every time I see a baby I never stop wanting another, but in my rational mind I do not want another child. And I never want to be asked by my husband to have a termination either. That was not fun and I'm still a bit angry. It's something you'd have to both want a great deal given the age gap.