Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Alcoholic friend

100 replies

Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 01:32

I’m after some advice please. I have a friend who is a functioning alcoholic and her husband is too. She is in complete denial. The state she gets in regularly, in front of her children, is awful. When in those states she has no idea what’s going on, what’s she’s saying etc. No way she can care for children (although they are tweens and young teenagers). Her children are always embarrassed and sad. I’ve tried speaking to her but get nowhere. They’re wealthy so I feel slipping through the net because from the outside they are a very respectable family. I’m worried for the children’s mental (and maybe the physical) wellbeing.
No point in saying speak to them, I’ve tried and failed and they will not acknowledge any problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 11:34

I didn’t say they’re neglected, they’re not. The parents are for the most part good parents, they just drink often and get very drunk in the evenings. Mostly I imagine when the kids are in bed and sometimes when they’re not. It is an internal struggle I am having and I am asking advice, respectfully, on what to do. I already do a lot in the way org looking out for these kids.
This is not about having a backbone, it is not brave to call SS. It is about whether that makes a situation that’s bad better or worse.

OP posts:
HijabiVenus · 27/08/2020 11:38

@Waypastmybedtime

They don’t think they have a problem with alcohol. Ok not really concerned so much for their well-being as their children’s to be honest.
You know what to do, you know social services will try to help the children. You know that the parents dont fit the usal demographic of alcoholics and you will be sure to mention this to soc serv/child protective services. You are not being a "cor luvaduck grass, sorry gwasss innit", you are not "dobbing them in dahlin'", you are concerned about children. No doubt some will think "honour amongst thieves" but the only factors that matter are the well being of children.
Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 11:40

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 11:42

Is it 100% anonymous?

OP posts:
SBTLove · 27/08/2020 11:45

Yes it’s anonymous.
It is neglect as much as you try and
convince yourself it’s not. What would happen if there was a fire? i’ll child and the parents are comatose?
A child of an alcoholic does not have a nice life, you do need to take your blinkers off.

Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 12:01

I don’t have blinkers! Hence this thread!!!

OP posts:
SBTLove · 27/08/2020 12:03

You clearly do, when you’re claiming they’re good parents and have seen this for a decade and done little.
I’m mystified why you have loyalty to these people 🙄

yawnsvillex · 27/08/2020 12:30

@SBTLove if someone had called SS for me and my DB it would've made matters worse. Be careful before you suggest such things.

we are now a happy family, alcohol free.

SBTLove · 27/08/2020 12:44

@yawnsvillex
As a child I prayed someone would call
them for me. I would never discourage calling SS when children are in a neglectful
home and for you to suggest I’m
wrong for wanting these kids to get help is very selfish, not everyone so you.

Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 12:50

Look, it’s a debate and it’s not black and white. Jesus, I clearly care otherwise I wouldn’t have started the thread. It is a very serious matter and requires careful consideration. There is literally no need to be anything other than helpful.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 27/08/2020 12:55

I think the absolute best thing you can do for children of addicts is give the children somewhere to stay when things become too much, or know that they can contact you for help when they need it. Is that possible, can they stay with you occasionally? Do they have anywhere else they can go to escape?

Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 13:08

Yes I’m sure they know that and I do sometimes insist they stay at mine when the parents are too far gone but I’m only there sometimes.

OP posts:
yawnsvillex · 27/08/2020 13:11

Your experience was different @SBTLove I am sorry no one helped you.

I am going on my experience.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/08/2020 13:11

@yawnsvillex

I am the child of an alcoholic parent.

Had someone called SS many years ago I would've likely gone into care - this would've been devastating.

My parent got help in the end, but had I been taken away it would've been awful.

Be very careful about the overall impact. Do those children really want to be taken away from their parents? You could make matters worse.

This is highly irresponsible The parents need a wake up call, and to access help to recover. They won't get that if nobody does anything.
yawnsvillex · 27/08/2020 13:12

@CodenameVillanelle bollox! The parent might need a wake up call but you'd be happy to put the kids in care which could be FAR FAR worse!

I assume this didn't happen to you.

lughnasadh · 27/08/2020 13:12

I'm with

CodenameVillanelle · 27/08/2020 13:13

[quote yawnsvillex]@CodenameVillanelle bollox! The parent might need a wake up call but you'd be happy to put the kids in care which could be FAR FAR worse!

I assume this didn't happen to you. [/quote]
I'm a social worker and I have worked with many many alcoholic parents. I have never taken a child into care due to alcoholism.

Newgirls · 27/08/2020 13:13

You sound a very caring person. Can you call Alcoholics Anonymous to ask for advice? Without giving family details yet? That might help support you - it’s hard for you to worry about all this too x

Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 13:16

Do you have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 13:17

Thank you. I could certainly try!

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 27/08/2020 13:17

What sort of level of drinking are we talking about and how often? As a SW (retired now) I would say you could report them but if they are articulate middle class parents who can hide what is going on nothing will happen. If the children are clean, well fed, well dressed and attending school without issues then here will be no evidence to act on. I do understand the mental well being of the children is important but it is so hard to evidence this in families who can cover it up well. I think you need to be there for the family as much as possible, especially the children and be someone they can talk to about what is happening at home.

lughnasadh · 27/08/2020 13:18

I'm with @yawnsvillex.

People so very often assume they know what is best/right/ socially acceptable.

For the child involved, it is actually often beter that they stay where they are.

The common response is 'report, SS, , safeguauarding', but if you actually listen to the children involved, and in fact their social workers, avoidng care proceedings is actually the way of least harm.

Have anyof you read 'The Primal Wound'?

Whatever the common, kneejerk response may be, the reality is different. Painfully, and really so.

Original poster
Waypastmybedtime · 27/08/2020 13:20

You’ve hit the nail on the head. Completely respectable people. I’m talking 2/3 bottles of wine maybe five nights a week. Total black outs, never remembers anything and could totally not take care of kids. Staggering, slurring. Then wake up the in the morning totally hungover and makes up for it by being a very organised parent.

OP posts:
lughnasadh · 27/08/2020 13:20

Please do ignore my spelling. My phone is determined to make me look stupid.

Apolloanddaphne · 27/08/2020 13:22

2/3 bottles each or between the two?

Swipe left for the next trending thread