How do I nicely stop this before it becomes a 'thing'?

[ShellsAndSunrises]

I'll try to give all the essential info! I'm 30, husband is a bit older, we've been together for about five years and got married recently. Very small wedding. Husband is an only child.

My close friends started having kids a long time ago - I was 17 when the first few arrived, and there are now a lot. I'm the only childfree one in the group. It's fairly common that if I'm with my friends, I end up holding a baby, or playing with a 4-year-old, or whatever.

The other day I was holding a friend's 6 month old for a while, as she was happy sitting on my hip to be honest! Husband's dad came to find me about five times and asked if it was practice... it got pretty old and awkward, but I laughed it off... It felt a bit weird and was basically the only thing that he said to me, on repeat.

We saw husbands' parents again a few days later to take them some shopping. Long story short, they made the same joke about three times in 60 minutes, and eventually I was dying of awkwardness and said that we have career things that we'd like to achieve first, plus where would we put it as we live in a flat, etc... I thought they'd got the message, but they bought it up on the phone the other day too. It seems relentless.

We have talked about kids, a lot. We want them. But we need to move house, I'm self-employed and a little nervous, I've had some health conditions which might mean that it can't happen and we're in the middle of a pandemic. I don't want to be constantly questioned by his parents on it... Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this, so I didn't want to go there if I didn't have to.

Is there a nice way to say, stop asking that? It's really odd. I've never heard them repeat themselves so much before. I know he's an only child and they are probably excited, but it feels so invasive and weird to be suddenly being quizzed every time we see them.

(Maybe I should add that my parents died when I was young and I wasn't adopted, so I do find some "normal" parenting things a bit full-on, but I thought I was doing pretty well...)

When they comment again could you give the same really short answer each time, 'We've already spoken about this. There's nothing else to say'

I had this a lot as I married young. My answer was always ‘in 5 years’ time’. I did this for 10 years.

Then dh got fed up and answered ‘we’re not having any, I’m sterile’ to anyone who asked which shut them up pretty quickly!

We did in the end have 2 dc, the first 15 years after we got together. But by then no one was asking any more.

Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this, so I didn't want to go there if I didn't have to.

Leave him to it. They're his parents and he knows them best.

Don't try to police that. I'm sure they'll get the message once he's spoken to them.

I don't think it would be a bad thing if your DH did tell them bluntly to stop hassling you - for one thing, it will show a clear united front (which may be useful in years to come) and for another, if they are tactless enough to keep on asking you about kids despite your attempts to deflect, they probably need telling quite bluntly.

Tbf, I stopped it by not being nice.

Told the FIL that the second my womb became a democracy, he would be the first to have a vote what happens within it. Until then, its purely my decision.

I would say, nicely, once more 'We aren't planning on children right now, like we've told you before.' then of they keep on, be not so nice about it.

It's difficult and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I would reply rather curtly: 'could you stop keep asking me this please' or 'I'd rather not,discuss this right now' both delivered with a smile...should shut 'em up, and you're not being impolite.

Do you think they would take the hint if you literally ignored any similar comments? No half smiles, flickers of forced amusement or embarrassed looks. Just remain stony faced, resolutely refuse to pick up on what's been said, and immediately start talking about something else, as though you haven't heard them. Surely they'd get the message?

If they are very thick-skinned, you might have to be more blunt with them, of course!

@ShellsAndSunrises

Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this, so I didn't want to go there if I didn't have to.
It sounds as though this is what's needed as their own "hints" are also pretty much bull in a china shop territory.

You might also want to learn to deflect people's unwelcome questions firmly, yourself - take a leaf out of your husband's book (a little) in this instance? Some people just don't stop at the polite response, as you have found, here. 🌹

@Diverseduvet

When they comment again could you give the same really short answer each time, 'We've already spoken about this. There's nothing else to say'

I agree with this. Just say the same thing every time. It will get boring asking when they know exactly what the answer will be!

"Oh maybe someday, but definitely not at the moment," for example. Inevitably whatever you say will be met with, "Well you can't put it off forever, you're already 30" and so forth but you can just go "Hmmm" rather vaguely. The conversation may then move on to various stories of people who 'waited too long' and so forth, which you can ignore.

They're allowed to be excited and overkeen, but you're not obliged to talk to anyone else about your life plans or discuss your fears or worries or hopes or indeed anything with them if you don't want to.

I think you’re being a bit sensitive to be honest, they have mentioned it a few times and probably think nothing of it. Get your DH to tell them to stop asking.
If that doesn’t work simply say “children aren’t in our plans at the moment.”
I don’t think they are being unreasonable in making jokes/asking.. most parents and parents in law do it at some point. Try not to make it a thing between you, especially if they are lovely in other ways

I just told everyone I was barron.
They never asked again

Whisper your dh has ED.

Guaranteed to stop any convo of that nature forever...

They are being rude, why are you so concerned about being nice? It's not on for them to keep asking and asking, polite attempts to get them to stop have failed- be blunt.

I had this, too, and after 6 years of marriage, got asked if I'd seen a doctor about it. We didn't want children at the time, we were both in our twenties and career-minded. I just said we don't want children at the moment, maybe in a few years. Then I got all the 'well, don't leave it too late, you won't be fertile forever' and 'I want grandchildren while I'm still active enough to play with them'

Straight out honesty is probably the best option:

We're thinking about it for the future, but that's not now. There are other things we'd rather do first.

"We haven't decided whether we actually want children yet"

"When my womb becomes a democracy...." LMAO!!!

Hilarious!

It’s the most intrusive, insensitive and rude thing to keep asking when you have already answered.

The only thing I found that stops it is being blunt, otherwise you get drawn into ridiculous conversations about something that is frankly no-one else’s business.

“The answer has t changed since the last time you asked” and “why are you so interested in my sex life?” are good answers.

Deep breath.
Big smile.
“It’s amazing you think that’s any of your business!”

Just tell them you’re plans. You don’t need to go into detail, just be vague enough that they know it’s on your radar but not a high priority.

You are there only hope for GC, they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

I’ve never heard them repeat themselves so much before

Say you don’t want to alarm them but they seem to be repeating themselves a lot lately and have they seen the doctor

Feeling your pain. I'm childfree by choice and after I married DH I had this sort of thing right up until my late 40s, by which time I guess people must have assumed I was either in menopause or couldn't conceive. Why do people insist on making other people's reproductive lives their business?! No real advice to offer, just wanted to say I empathise.

Let your DH tell them even if he is tactless and blunt about it (they’re hardly sensitive themselves!). Doesn’t have to be your job to manage his side of the family.

Just have your stock reply ready...
To be fair I had this for about 5 years, then it stopped because I think people started assuming that I was having difficulties getting pregnant (I wasn't even trying - I was on the pill).

OR they got bored of getting the same reply...."maybe, I'm not ready yet" OR they realised parenthood and young children wasn't all it was cracked up to be and started becoming jealous of my lovely creative job, travel, 8 hours sleep, free-time, money etc!

I would give the timeline response - "We're planning in X years' time, not before" OR let your DH deal with them.

It's kind of understandable that they're excited to have DGC but it's still fucking annoying of them to keep asking!

Or you could try what I do with my children - "if you keep asking, I won't have any at all" - see if that works!