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Original poster

How do I nicely stop this before it becomes a 'thing'?

82 replies

ShellsAndSunrises · 25/08/2020 14:39

I'll try to give all the essential info! I'm 30, husband is a bit older, we've been together for about five years and got married recently. Very small wedding. Husband is an only child.

My close friends started having kids a long time ago - I was 17 when the first few arrived, and there are now a lot. I'm the only childfree one in the group. It's fairly common that if I'm with my friends, I end up holding a baby, or playing with a 4-year-old, or whatever.

The other day I was holding a friend's 6 month old for a while, as she was happy sitting on my hip to be honest! Husband's dad came to find me about five times and asked if it was practice... it got pretty old and awkward, but I laughed it off... It felt a bit weird and was basically the only thing that he said to me, on repeat.

We saw husbands' parents again a few days later to take them some shopping. Long story short, they made the same joke about three times in 60 minutes, and eventually I was dying of awkwardness and said that we have career things that we'd like to achieve first, plus where would we put it as we live in a flat, etc... I thought they'd got the message, but they bought it up on the phone the other day too. It seems relentless.

We have talked about kids, a lot. We want them. But we need to move house, I'm self-employed and a little nervous, I've had some health conditions which might mean that it can't happen and we're in the middle of a pandemic. I don't want to be constantly questioned by his parents on it... Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this, so I didn't want to go there if I didn't have to.

Is there a nice way to say, stop asking that? It's really odd. I've never heard them repeat themselves so much before. I know he's an only child and they are probably excited, but it feels so invasive and weird to be suddenly being quizzed every time we see them.

(Maybe I should add that my parents died when I was young and I wasn't adopted, so I do find some "normal" parenting things a bit full-on, but I thought I was doing pretty well...)

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 25/08/2020 15:39

Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this

Who cares about tact? They clearly don't.
When they ask again, say lightly but firmly, 'Oh no, we're not having this conversation again. Kids are our business and no one else's.'

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 15:47

Let your husband deal with them.

When people have a way of dealing with their family there is usually a reason for it.

They are showing you with this why your husband has to be like a bull in a china shop sometimes.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/08/2020 15:55

You need to be blunt to the point of rudeness in my experience. Tell them you're barren / never want children. It doesn't need to be true.

If you gently bat it away, politely saying "maybe" / "in a few years" etc. you will never stop them hassling you about it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/08/2020 16:01

@MrsOldma

Just tell them you’re plans. You don’t need to go into detail, just be vague enough that they know it’s on your radar but not a high priority.

You are there only hope for GC, they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

You think that wondering when it's their 'turn' to be grandparents is a reasonable excuse for pressuring their child? Wow.

It might never be 'their turn', and it's not their business to be putting pressure on.

Letting them know it's on the radar will simply mean that they start going on about biological clocks. No. Nip it in the bud now, because otherwise they will not stop.

feistyoneyouare · 25/08/2020 16:01

@MrsOldma

Just tell them you’re plans. You don’t need to go into detail, just be vague enough that they know it’s on your radar but not a high priority.

You are there only hope for GC, they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

IKWYM, but grandchildren aren't an automatic entitlement. Personally I don't think the OP and her DH are duty bound to tell anyone anything- people's reproductive lives should be private.

Londonmummy66 · 25/08/2020 16:02

Had this with DMIL. Kept telling me to get a nice little local job and start a family. Eventually shut her up by saying I would start a family when DH was prepared to give up work as I was the higher earner.

Drinkingallthewine · 25/08/2020 16:05

Yes you need the stock answers ready to hand. A few polite ones but a few fuck-off-and-mind-your-own-business ones are handy too.

And if you think it will die off when you finally do have a child, think again - I got pestered for years about whether we would ever have children then about a year after DS was born, got pestered even more as to when we were getting working on a sibling. I'm mid forties now so it's finally stopped but it was about 10 years of intense scrutiny of my womb.

BoyTree · 25/08/2020 16:06

You are there only hope for GC, they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

Except this isn't about it being 'their turn' (which is may not ever be - not everyone gets 'a turn, which is why it is so inappropriate to ask). They are asking increasingly intrusive and personal questions of people who have made it clear that they don't want to discuss it. Their 'only hope for GC' are actually people in their own right and aren't beholden to anyone to discuss their plans to reproduce.

I don’t think they are being unreasonable in making jokes/asking.. most parents and parents in law do it at some point.

Making jokes and asking anyone, especially someone who has legitimate concerns that they might have fertility problems (even if they don't know about this - the OP is not obliged to share) about their plans to conceive is unreasonable IMO.

Beamur · 25/08/2020 16:09

I'd let your husband talk to them. Personally I would say that you see kids in the future but not for a few years yet and you would appreciate it if they would respect your desire to keep this private. If and when you are expecting a baby you will let them know. The questions, however well meant feel intrusive and awkward to answer.

Fyzz · 25/08/2020 16:10

DH and I were together 18 years before we had DC. People had long stopped asking.
My DC are adults but a way off that stage yet.
I think I would initiate a chat. Say you've noticed they keep asking about children and want to be clear that you are not planning on having any for at least 5 years and would prefer them not to keep hinting.
The thing is if they don't know it's annoying you then you should make it clear. No point waiting until you explode and people get upset.

daisychain1620 · 25/08/2020 16:15

I hate when other people think this is an area that is open for discussion or light hearted jokes. In most aspects of life I'm fairly easy going and chilled out but I absolutely hate hearing this. People give no thought to the fact that someone could be having major difficulties becoming pregnant, has had miscarriages or 'shock-horror' chose not to have children and then are made to feel weird because they don't want kids. Sorry that was a rant.
I think I'd have a quiet word and just say you'd appreciate them not commenting about this as your not comfortable with it

DPotter · 25/08/2020 16:16

I perfected a shudder and a murmured 'heaven forbid', which got me the reputation of hating babies but it stopped the constant asking and looking at my belly. So much so that when I did fall pregnant (by choice) I was asked on several occasions if it was a mistake!

remember if people will not take your subtle hints to back off - they are not respecting your boundaries and you're totally in your rights to be absolutely blunt back to them. Do not worry about causing them upset: they're not worried about upsetting you

bettsbattenburg · 25/08/2020 16:17

"We aren't sure yet, there are some traits we don't want our children to inherit from grandparents"

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2020 16:17

You need your bull in a china shop to tell them to stop it.

Seriously - why not? By what you've said, sounds like they would be most likely to actually understand someone speaking their language - ie having no tact whatsoever.

The other option?

'I'm not sure to be honest. It's funny, every time you mention it it puts me off more! We might just stay as we are...'

notalwaysalondoner · 25/08/2020 16:18

I agree - every time, stony faced, say “we’ve already talked about this, there is nothing else to say, please stop asking”.

Being polite, laughing it off etc will just make them think it’s a valid topic of family conversation.

My parents and in laws are the opposite, funnily - both our mothers were older when they had us (35 and 37) and after we got married were both like “don’t rush into having children, we’re not old enough to be grandmothers!” Then never mentioned it since!

Inching · 25/08/2020 16:18

You are there only hope for GC, they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

It's amazing that you think this is an adequate reason for repeatedly interrogating someone about their plans to have a child.

I mean, if her FIL actually said the same thing five times during a visit, and he's not got dementia, the only explanation is that he thinks the OP and his son are going to absent-mindedly forget to have a child, and that he's the human equivalent of tying a knot in your hanky/setting a phone reminder?

MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 16:19

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable they don’t know they are putting on pressure because no one has told them

@feistyoneyouare I agree that people shouldn’t ask but they aren’t just people - they are family. They are asking when/if their family might be extended. Again repeatedly because they don’t realise it’s being poorly received

@BoyTree it’s nature for parents to wonder about GC. If they don't know how the OP really feels then of course they will continue to ask

@ShellsAndSunrises I’m sure when they realise how it’s made you feel it will stop

MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 16:21

@Inching I don’t think it’s a valid reason but it is a reason. If they don’t stop after the Op or her DH spell it out to them then that’s totally unacceptable and insensitive

Iggly · 25/08/2020 16:21

Let your husband talk to them. He has offered, who cares if it’s a bull in a china shop. They’re his parents.

I told my mother in law to stop asking as we we not trying and wouldn’t be for a while. It did shut her up.

HoHoHolyCow · 25/08/2020 16:25

Have you actually explained to them that you hope (health issues permitting) to have children eventually, but not right now?

Surely that is all you need to do? If you are just being vague and saying mmm or whatever, then they will keep on asking/wondering as they are interested in your plans, presumably because they love your DH!

Candyfloss99 · 25/08/2020 16:34

Tell them to stop asking you about your sex life.

NigellaAwesome · 25/08/2020 16:34

Next time they ask or comment, I suggest:

"Please stop asking about this. If we decide we want children in the future, we will do it in our own time. We know you are excited at the prospect of grandchildren, but this has to stop."

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 25/08/2020 16:35

I would just be totally straight tbh and say 'we've got no plans to have a baby yet so you need to stop asking'. I don't think that's rude, certainly not as rude as they are being to you.

I also think you're in for some seriously intrusive behaviour if and when you do become pregnant and have a baby, so it would be as well to practise some straight talking now, if you're having difficulty with it.

Morred · 25/08/2020 16:39

If you want to, tell them once that you'll start thinking about it after xyz is done / in x years.

If they bring it up again, a good trick is to "helpfully" say "I'm sure you don't mean to come across like this, but it's really insensitive to keep asking questions about children, it really upset my friend when people did it to her because she had serious fertility problems". They might assume you have a Tragic Backstory or they might pester your DH about your health, in which case he can tell them to fuck off, but it should stop them asking you.

enigmatoto · 25/08/2020 16:39

xTinkerhellx Tue 25-Aug-20 14:47:31

Told the FIL that the second my womb became a democracy, he would be the first to have a vote what happens within it. Until then, its purely my decision.

Fab response! I'm gonna use it. Thanks @Tinker[wink ]

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