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Original poster

How do I nicely stop this before it becomes a 'thing'?

82 replies

ShellsAndSunrises · 25/08/2020 14:39

I'll try to give all the essential info! I'm 30, husband is a bit older, we've been together for about five years and got married recently. Very small wedding. Husband is an only child.

My close friends started having kids a long time ago - I was 17 when the first few arrived, and there are now a lot. I'm the only childfree one in the group. It's fairly common that if I'm with my friends, I end up holding a baby, or playing with a 4-year-old, or whatever.

The other day I was holding a friend's 6 month old for a while, as she was happy sitting on my hip to be honest! Husband's dad came to find me about five times and asked if it was practice... it got pretty old and awkward, but I laughed it off... It felt a bit weird and was basically the only thing that he said to me, on repeat.

We saw husbands' parents again a few days later to take them some shopping. Long story short, they made the same joke about three times in 60 minutes, and eventually I was dying of awkwardness and said that we have career things that we'd like to achieve first, plus where would we put it as we live in a flat, etc... I thought they'd got the message, but they bought it up on the phone the other day too. It seems relentless.

We have talked about kids, a lot. We want them. But we need to move house, I'm self-employed and a little nervous, I've had some health conditions which might mean that it can't happen and we're in the middle of a pandemic. I don't want to be constantly questioned by his parents on it... Husband has offered to talk to them but tends to have the tact of a bull in a china shop with things like this, so I didn't want to go there if I didn't have to.

Is there a nice way to say, stop asking that? It's really odd. I've never heard them repeat themselves so much before. I know he's an only child and they are probably excited, but it feels so invasive and weird to be suddenly being quizzed every time we see them.

(Maybe I should add that my parents died when I was young and I wasn't adopted, so I do find some "normal" parenting things a bit full-on, but I thought I was doing pretty well...)

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 25/08/2020 16:40

Probably best to let your DP nip it in the bud though more comedy to say you'll tell them every time you have sex and the position given the impact that has on conception so they'll be in the know about likely conception and when you menstruate but you'd expect to be told when they have sex too, in what position and when your MIL menstruates, if she's not post-menopausal. Finish off with 'isn't sharing fun' with a manic smile on your face.

Good luck.

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2020 16:41

They're his family. I'm sure they're used to his level of tact (or lack thereof)

Let him tell them to MTOB)

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/08/2020 16:42

@Nanny0gg

They're his family. I'm sure they're used to his level of tact (or lack thereof)

Let him tell them to MTOB)

It's pretty obvious that he inherited his lack of tact from them - they are being very intrusive!

Interested in this thread?

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Families

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 17:03

I honestly believe in the saying, he takes care of his people and I take care of my people :) makes it a little less likely to turn into a thing unless you're super close to them.

oakleaffy · 25/08/2020 17:03

Very very insensitive.
For all they know you or anyone else they ask, may be unable to have children.
Thoughtless thing to say.

feistyoneyouare · 25/08/2020 17:10

@feistyoneyouare I agree that people shouldn’t ask but they aren’t just people - they are family. They are asking when/if their family might be extended. Again repeatedly because they don’t realise it’s being poorly received

But they should realise this is an intrusive question without needing to be told. Just because they're family doesn't give them the right to keep asking. Apart from anything else, I always think being repeatedly asked must be very upsetting for people who are ttc and can't, and don't want to reveal this to other people.

@BoyTree it’s nature for parents to wonder about GC. If they don't know how the OP really feels then of course they will continue to ask

My parents did not ask me and DH once if we were planning a family. (They didn't know at the time that we'd already decided not to.) They acknowledged it was our business and ours alone.

boltzmannbrains · 25/08/2020 17:12

Personally I start taking VERY enthusiastically and at great length and detail about the pet octopus I want to adopt.

boltzmannbrains · 25/08/2020 17:13

(Not a joke btw.)

MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 17:19

@feistyoneyouare they obviously DONT realise it’s an intrusive question. Some people just sadly have no awareness that not everyone wants kids or finds the process easy. Your parents are obviously different to the OPs

DobbyTheHouseElk · 25/08/2020 17:33

My sil has to put up with this. She’s 46 now and people are still nagging at her.

They’ve had fertility problems and it’s obviously not going to happen. I wish people would stop asking her.

I don’t know why people think they can ask such intimate questions.

PanamaPattie · 25/08/2020 17:50

Don't be nice. I would tell them it's none of their business. If they mention it again - ask them why they are so interested in your sex life.

BoyTree · 25/08/2020 17:53

it’s nature for parents to wonder about GC. If they don't know how the OP really feels then of course they will continue to ask

There's no 'of course' about it - it's horrendously poor manners and utterly unacceptable to repeatedly ask personal questions when you have been given a perfectly reasonable explanation about the situation (which was more than they deserve in this case, IMO).

I cannot fathom the mindset of pressuring someone you're supposed to love into divulging details of their private lives that they clearly don't want to share just to satisfy your own curiosity.

Bobbiepin · 25/08/2020 17:56

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

You need to be blunt to the point of rudeness in my experience. Tell them you're barren / never want children. It doesn't need to be true.

If you gently bat it away, politely saying "maybe" / "in a few years" etc. you will never stop them hassling you about it.

This! An old colleague kept asking when number 2 was coming. In the end I said "well for number 1 I threw up every day for 6 months, labour almost killed us both, postnatal depression was no fun and nursery fees cost more than our mortgage so no, not in a rush". She had never considered it rude to ask but certainly did after that!

MatildaTheCat · 25/08/2020 17:57

‘Look Pete and Jane, we appreciate you’re excited about maybe having grandchildren one day and I promise that if and when we have any news to share you will be the first to hear it but until then we really don’t want to keep discussing this over and over again. It’s not on the agenda right now but maybe one day.’

After that if they ask again it would be a Very Hard Stare and exit.

girlywhirly · 25/08/2020 18:07

I am a MIL. My DS is 30, DIL is 29. I would never say anything about their having children unless they raise the subject first, as it isn’t my business. They have hinted that they would like to have a baby eventually but they have lots that they need to do first with their careers and find somewhere to settle as they are in a 1 bed flat on a yearly rental. Of course we will support them in that first. So I will not be mentioning the crib in my loft that my dad made for DS, until they announce a pregnancy.

Definitely leave it to DH to deal with his parents, it must be so aggravating that they keep on about grandchildren.

Kaiserin · 25/08/2020 18:17

Just to let you know OP, the situation you describe (parents or parents in law repeatedly nagging their kids to procreate) is extremely common (and very annoying), so you shouldn't read too much into it (nothing personal), it's just a thing old people do without thinking much...

You don't have to engage with that crap. You can lie, you can deflect, change the subject, be evasive, ignore it... Don't EVER feel like you have to actually justify your choices, or give them accurate information. Keep them at arm's length. And refer them to your DH if you must. Not your problem to fix.

spoons123 · 25/08/2020 18:18

I get that it's annoying but be kind to them. They probably don't know how to bring the subject up and have a mature discussion so they're prodding you for answers.

Why don't you initiate a discussion? Something like, "I notice you've been mentioning grandchildren a lot recently. I'm guessing it's something that means a lot to you...." and then explain your point of view. You're still thinking about it/not planning any children yet (or whatever you want to say) but it feels stressful when people keep asking so can they leave the subject?

Smile and reassure them that they'll make fantastic grandparents one day.

Kaiserin · 25/08/2020 18:19

some old people (like mine...)

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 25/08/2020 18:27

I went to the physio this week and the patient she was finishing up with was bit nosy. They were chatting about family and the physio was mentioning her nieces and nephews and the patient asked her if she had children. She said no. The patient asked her why and so she said "I don't like children". Hahahahhaha I chortled to myself. That shut the patient up.

NoemiaElara · 25/08/2020 18:30

I had this from in laws, my parents & everyone (it felt like) at work for years when I got married. I still get it at work though I've has kids already. It's got to the point that one particular colleague will mention it everyday. She also says it to another newly married colleague who is not having children (she told her she just needed to meet the right man!!). In the nicest way I don't think you can stop it. I've tried shooting the comments down several different ways but they still seem to have a vested interest in everyone else's sex life and reproductive system! People are bizarre.

bridgetreilly · 25/08/2020 18:50

Let husband talk to them as bluntly as he can. They need to realise how awkward and uncomfortable they are making you.

bridgetreilly · 25/08/2020 18:51

They probably don't know how to bring the subject up and have a mature discussion so they're prodding you for answers

They don’t need to bring the subject up! It’s none of their business.

bridgetreilly · 25/08/2020 18:55

they are maybe surrounded by friends with babies just like you and are wondering when it’s their turn

It’s not queuing up for swings at the park. You don’t take turns. Ffs.

MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 18:58

@bridgetreilly I quite agree. I’m not excusing their poor behaviour just highlighting some of the reasons for it. It’s difficult when other people have something you want - in this case grandchildren. But that doesn’t make it ok to make the OP uncomfortable.

ekidmxcl · 25/08/2020 19:01

Can’t he just quip back to his parents, oh yes we’ll start trying right away when you buy us a house. Until then we can’t.

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