Have the government forgotten about grandparents?

[Argeles]

My parents usually look after our children while my Husband and I go to work (pre-lockdown).

As we are a couple and my parents are a couple, we are not allowed to form a bubble.

So, what will happen on the 1st September when my Husband and I have to physically return to work?

My parents are very concerned about breaking the ‘bubble’ rules, and we are very worried as we have no other childcare options. I know of at least 7 other families in my DD’s class who are in the same situation too, and know there will be many, many more across the country.

Is a government announcement on this imminent, or have grandparents been forgotten about??? I can’t believe there hasn’t been any information on this!

If I'm reading this correctly you returned to work in January and your parents must have looked after 2yo for maximum of 10 weeks before lockdown (4days/week).

I suspect that turned out to be much harder work than they were expecting and now don't fancy going back to it!! Shame they can't just tell you this outright, but actions speak louder than words.

Your financial situation is clearly an issue. A secondary school teacher shouldn't need free childcare to be able to work. Maybe look at addressing that via money saving expert website?

Have you tried nurseries close to one of your workplaces rather than home?

They obviously feel uncomfortable and unsafe doing so; so I wouldn’t ask them again as it will be putting pressure on them. You should maybe start looking for a child minder to provide wrap around care, also I wouldn’t want my 93 year old nan to suffer for my child care

Haven’t rtft yet however my understanding of rules in England mirrors yours, in that grandparents have not yet been given the green light to hug their grandchildren.
As such our children have not had a cuddle with any of their grandparents since March. This of course makes me sad but I completely respect their wishes to follow government guidance.
I’m going to go back and rtft because I haven’t seen any childcare caveat in the official guidance and if there is something I could point them to, this would be useful.

The Government have ballsed this up completely. Jenny Harries has been trotted out on the morning news and is saying that unless you're in a social bubble with a household then you should be sticking to the rules of not getting in vehicles together, being in a house etc, so the Govt has no regard for parents who need to rely on grandparents or extended family for childcare.

@reefedsail

TBF it is a pretty ridiculous thing for the OP to think would be possible, so I understand why *@latticechaos* would be somewhat incredulous having missed the earlier reference to it.

Oh I agree that it is an unrealistic expectation of the OP. But if you are going to be have a go at someone, you need to have your facts right. Especially as *@latticechaos* also got sniffy with someone else for not reading the full thread....

I'm shocked you've left this so late to sort out. Your parents aren't an option so you need to find a nanny or childminder quickly!

Both sets of grandparents on my side & my husband’s side were helping us out with childcare for my pre-schooler before the pandemic. We’re both key workers in adult social care & NHS respectively. My mum started having him again in July, but my husband’s parents are older than my parents & they told us last week they don’t feel they’ll be able to continue any more going forward.

I think they’ve made the right call. They’re both in their mid-seventies & they are worried about catching the virus. And do I want to be accountable for anything that might happen to them? God no.

I’ve found a local childminder & upped an extra day with her. It’s sucks financially but needs must. And TBH I’m just aware how lucky we’ve been up until this point to have free childcare for a portion of the week. Lots of my friends don’t have, & never have had friendly grandparents just down the road.

If I were you I’d find a local childminder ASAP

Babysitters and nannies are allowed to come to your house...so if you wanted to stick to the rules you could start paying your DM/DF.

But thats only if they are 100% comfortable with the safety aspect, and their only concern was about guidelines.

Yes we are definitely worried about the increased risk of transmission to my parents. This is one of the reasons we feel so dreadful, as we are in effect expecting my parents to do something that could expose them to more risk.

Well you can't ask them to do it then, it's not fair. I know it's difficult OP, but you really cannot expect them to do this, particularly if they don't want to. I don't think you have any other choice but to make alternative arrangements, which will be difficult (as you've already found out) and extremely costly but that is really your only option. You will find someone to nanny for you, it'll cost but you don't really have a choice.

I'm back in school next week and my DCs the week after (they are both teens) and we have already agreed with MIL that we'll all have to keep our distance from now until things a little safer for her. She's almost 80 and there's no way I would even consider putting her at risk.

I hope you get something in place soon OP.

OP in the nicest possible way, you have to stop blaming the government, your parents (I know you haven't said this outright, but the implication is there) and your employers and take responsibility for the problem that you both MUST deal with.

Try to look at it practically, without emotion. You both have to work, your usual childcare option is not available. What could you do?
Beg your parents, that's unfair and they'll still say no,
Not work, no, you need money,
Work from home, not an option if you're a teacher, particularly so if you're also caring for young children, few employers will accept that now,
Change your hours, go part time temporarily, both of you need to speak to your employers to see if there's any flexibility,
Nursery? None available nearby,
Before and after school care, hours don't work and they're full,
Get a childminder, or two, have you even looked into this? No more expensive than a nursey and they will do school runs,
Nanny, too expensive, or is it?
Au pair, not enough time to organise
Friends, ok if short term, but expect to reciprocate in babysitting favours, or offer to pay,
Neighbour, I know some who help out their neighbours if need be even if they don't have young kids.

So I think you should speak to your employers about starting later and look into a childminder or a nanny.

This is an issue facing so many parents. Lots of people had to work outside the home during the initial lockdown with zero childcare options, if they could do it then, you definitely can sort it now.

Oh and ignore your parents saying not to use external childcare, it's none of their business, and what do they expect you to do?

I think the OP by leaving it to this time is essentially trying to force her parents hands “they tell us not to make other arrangements” despite the risk to them!!

Youre not a child anymore OP, get other care sorted, stop exploiting your parents and stop being so selfish re your Grandparent . Shocking behaviour, anxiety does not give you permission to abnegate responsibility or opt out of sorting your own life! And that includes your airy ‘I’ll just teach online’ instead. You sound like an uncommitted teacher to boot; maybe you should just SAHM for a bit more? No loss to those students

@Thelovelyflower thanks for providing that. I was reading so many people on here saying they are doing it already that I wondered if I’d missed an update!!!
So the GP’s are correct, they cannot look after the children unless they adhere to social distancing, which let’s be fair, isn’t possible with a 2.5yr old.
I know people will say early years don’t have to social distance, but that’s only in a formal care setting.
Tbh I am surprised how many people on this thread are allowing GP’s not to social distance with their children. I just couldn’t do it. Although I appreciate that as an older parent myself my children’s GP’s are elderly and not all are.

If you are in an area big enough for a
Secondary school, there must be more than one nursery available. It may not be one you would otherwise have chosen, but for the moment it will have to do. Look for one near your school, and maybe look into getting an au pair so you can switch to somewhere you prefer once places are available

@reefedsail

You just have to find other childcare, as you would have had to if you didn't have local grandparents.

You surely can't think your school would let you teach remotely because you didn't start organising alternative childcare arrangements back in March?

Do you just come onto forums to unjustifiably make people feel bad? The government and even the medical specialists had no idea how this virus would pan out but you think the OP is at fault for not arranging alternative childcare back in March .

It is obvious that the OP has been looking into alternative childcare for a while now as they have discusses early morning care/nurseries/childminders/nannies but you want to stick the knife in and try to make out that they have left things until the end of AUgust. Go take your vitriol elsewhere. The world is a mess as it is.We don't need people taking pleasure in being a bully online

@SurferRona

I think the OP by leaving it to this time is essentially trying to force her parents hands “they tell us not to make other arrangements” despite the risk to them!!

Youre not a child anymore OP, get other care sorted, stop exploiting your parents and stop being so selfish re your Grandparent . Shocking behaviour, anxiety does not give you permission to abnegate responsibility or opt out of sorting your own life! And that includes your airy ‘I’ll just teach online’ instead. You sound like an uncommitted teacher to boot; maybe you should just SAHM for a bit more? No loss to those students

see my post above. Relates to you too

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

Yes, quite, that is why I offered !

I am suitably

I completely get where you're coming from with regards to government response on grandparent care - it is simply not a priority for them because its not an income generator. I also know what you mean with negative posters - I've read multiple threads where people are talked down at because they have a grandparent childcare arrangement which everyone in the family is happy with and covid has caused a huge disruption and in no way could have been predicted. I get the impression those who spend a lot on childcare are so jealous others get it for free that they're delighted when it falls through and take the opportunity to kick someone when they're down.

However, in light of your elderly grandparent, I do think you should have preempted your parents being unable to provide care and made other arrangements weeks ago. Its been clear for a while this situation is not going anywhere and schools are opening so you should definitely have made plans by now

How many years were you expecting your parents to get the bus early to yours and babysit your DC, especially as they have some responsibility to a 93 year old parent too?
God, what a big ask. What a way to let your parents spend their retirement. And you've no contingency at all?!
Get it together.

Is there any way that parents in you child's class could pool care in some way? If there are others in the same situation it may well be a life saver for lots of you...technically not allowed I know but the children are all together all day anyway.

Other than that a Childminder is the best option I'd say.

I’ve said on many threads that grandparents are being chucked on the fire.

The government does not mind if some of them die of covid. It’ll reduce the pension bill and it’ll reduce their future NHS costs for other illnesses. This is the cold hard truth and I am worried it will end up killing my mum.

@Argeles

I would just like to say thank you so much for all of the helpful and supportive comments that most of you have made this morning on this thread.

I am not at all surprised to see however that some posters' responses just have such an angry and accusatory tone to them, and it's evident that some haven't read my post or further comments properly.

It is for the above reason that I gave up completely on Mumsnet for about 18 months and had only just returned. It gets to the point on here where the negativity just counteracts the positivity, and for someone who suffers with anxiety, this is not a good thing. I am now going to leave this thread while I can still take positivity with me.

Just to let you know, I have read all your post and comments. However, to be honest, it looks like you just wanted everyone to agree with you and are accusing those who don’t of being “angry and accusatory”! Tbh it comes across as you being the “angry and accusatory” one!!

I think you are being incredibly selfish. Your parents have formed a bubble with your 93 year old nan, do you really think they should abandon her to look after your dcs?

You say that your dm would have to get the bus several times a week. You also say that you leave for work at 6.45! From what you say, your dm’s childminding means her having to be up before 06.00 and then committing herself until 17.00ish, four days a week. This is more hours than a full time job!! Normally people retire to reduce their workload, not increase it.

People don’t realise how hard work it is to look after young children. I suspect that your dm is finding looking after your dcs too much, especially with also having to consider your nan, but would feel guilty telling you this! Plus, honestly, at 93 shouldn’t your nan be the priority?

If you want / need to work, it is your responsibility to find childcare, not just lump it on your dm! I can’t believe you have left it till this late stage to work out who’s going to look after your dgcs unless you thought that if you backed her far enough into a corner, your dm will give in and look after them ??

The online thing seems like an irrelevance. Even if it’s available to other staff for specific reasons it doesn’t solve your problem, because you still need childcare to be able to work even if it’s online. Parents had to work from home and look after their children while childcare facilities were all closed (myself included, it was a fucking disaster) and will likely end up doing so again for periods of time over the winter to deal with illness/isolation/school or nursery closures but I can’t imagine many employers will accept it as a planned situation for much longer because it just doesn’t work.

I’d be looking into childminders and nannies in your situation. Try local facebook groups for suggestions.

FFS @SurferRona, while I said in my own post that the OP can't ask her parents to do this, I honestly don't understand what you get out of posting such vitriol. If that kind of thing makes you feel better, there's something wrong. You don't need to be like that.

OP - I could be wrong, but when your parents said that you couldn't risk the dgc by sending them to a childminder or nursery, you interpreted that as them saying they would find a way to provide the childcare for you, but what they meant was "obviously you'll have to give up work".

The reality is your parents can't do childcare anymore, it doesn't matter what the rules say, their responsibility to your elderly Nan means they can't.

It doesn't matter what they think of your childcare plans if they arent able/prepared to offer an alternative. So put out of your mind their opinions.

You need a plan B and fast. A Nanny is the obvious short term measure. Childminders who do the run to your dcs school are also worth calling - there will be parents who've been told they are going to work from home for another 6 months giving up their childminder places now.

I would say both you and your DH need to apply for teaching jobs nearer to home, or look at moving your family to closer to one of your schools if that's not going to be an option, you need to slash that commute time so you can more easily use non-family based childcare.

It sounds like if your parents wanted to continue to do the childcare, they would find a way to do so. It sounds like they are scared and are using this as an excuse not to do childcare. My PILs have been doing the odd day of childcare over the summer holidays, but they have said that it won’t continue when the schools go back because they feel the increased risk is too much and I personally wouldn’t be happy for them to continue so I’ve had to find alternative (paid for) childcare. We aren’t in normal times at the moment.