Do you ever do stuff with other families... that aren’t relatives?

[Dorobie]

Just that really?

I never do it, mostly because DH in his words ‘can’t stand other people’s kids’ 🤣...

So he thinks meeting up for walks or lunch or days out with other families is more stress than it’s worth as you often have to wait around or be there during a tantrum etc.

But I’m sociable, and so are my kids who are now 7 & 11. When they were tiny I’d meet other mums for coffee or soft play 🤢 but as they’ve got older I tend to either do stuff alone with the kids or with DH when he’s here.

Does anyone else think like this?

@JulesM73

Nope, neither with family or friends. Can’t understand families that go away on holiday with other families, my idea of hell.

What's so bad about going away with your best friend? And seeing your kids so happy to be holiday with their best friends?

Whether they’re my best friend doesn’t mean going away with means you will have a good time. I like to do what I want with the family and going away with others always ends with compromising.

Yes loads! We don't have family living anywhere remotely near us, so even if we were the types to confine socialising to family it wouldn't be possible. I'm really glad the DC have effectively acquired 'cousins'. Days out are much more fun too - the various DC generally amuse each other. Though now mine are older they have started acquiring random friends on days out anyway .

As for your DH, I think part of being in a family is it stops being all about you? We all things we don't personally enjoy which we do for the benefit of spouses or kids.

No, but we have no family or friends through choice. I also can't stand other people's kids.

I don't mind meeting my female friends and their children together, but for some reason, the thought of spending time with multiple families together just makes me feel ill.

It just seems like such an odd thing to do for some reason. I know logically that it's not but I would have zero interest in sitting around with another family.

Ha @PegasusReturns as my dh has no friends at all he doesn’t see the appeal of this. So I meet up with my friends without him or the kids in tow... although this is often limited to early morning or evening as not to impact ‘family time’ which we seem to have all the fucking time! I would love for my dh to have friends, so he’s not relying on me and dc for his sole companionship.

Not any more. We did a few times with the NCT group we were in but otherwise have never done this.

Yeah @JulesM73 the more I think about it the more it does sound awful! As I can’t imagine the other family wanting to take my dc for a whole day so dh and I could go off to do something together... vice versa too!

@Dorobie my DH is exactly the same. He also works away a lot and has few friends. Those he does have, have no kids. He has a few uni friends with kids who we meet up with a few times a year, but whilst he will play nice, the kids wind him up 😂. I meet my friends with kids on my own - he watches rubbish movies (IMHO) everyone wins !

I really dislike how many times you have reiterated how much he hates other people's kids. Do either of you want to teach your own children tolerance or how to socialise with other children? Your post is utterly depressing to me. I am pretty shy and so is my partner but we want our kids to learn that hanging out with other kids is fun, even if it can sometimes be annoying, but it's still worth it.

@JulesM73

Whether they’re my best friend doesn’t mean going away with means you will have a good time. I like to do what I want with the family and going away with others always ends with compromising.

I guess it depends on your friends and whether or not you have shared interests.

We go away as a group a few times a year usually - we've really missed it this year. We're all pretty chilled about stuff though. We do things together but nobody gets upset if someone opts out of an activity. When the kids were little the communal childcare was a real plus as it meant everyone got a break.

We spend a lot of time together anyway so holidays are just an extension of this.

Yep all the time. My 3 closest friends all have kids, and we regularly meet up at the park or go for lunch etc. We do day trips together too. The kids are great when they're all together and play reasonably well meaning us parents aren't solely responsible for being the kids' playmates all the time and can have a bit of a chat. We also drop in on our friends all the time and if it's the kids tea time i automatically just put extra tea on for their kids if they've popped in. It's nice!

@PegasusReturns

Crikey some people are missing the point!

I don’t spend time with other families because I like their children, I spend time with other families because I like adult company and hanging out with adults dilutes night he intensity of all our children

This! Though I do genuinely love others’ kids too. I’ve been on my own since DH died end 2016 so my family unit is incomplete - if I want adult company I need to put the effort in

No. My kids are autistic and it was too stressful to manage that around other judgmental families. So we didn't.

We used to do it a lot when I was a child but there always seemed to be lots of lip thinning and falling outs between all the adults and children at various times. They still kept doing it though 🤷🏼‍♀️

It really sad to hear of so many dads opting out of socialising with other families using the excuse of finding other children annoying.

I do but not with DH. We, as in me and the children, have some friends that we can only see at weekends so we go and do something with them and DH does what he wants.

Over lockdown we've had socially distanced visits or gone for walks with friends and he has started joining in, I found I really resented it as it feels like he will use the friendships I have worked at to amuse himself when trapped at home but wasn't bothered when he had his own social life and went out to work.

It really sad to hear of so many dads opting out of socialising with other families using the excuse of finding other children annoying.

Completely agree. People may disagree with this, but I think being friends with others (or at least wanting to be friends with others) is about valuing other people and the contribution they can make to your life. "No man is an island" and all that. It makes me sad that DH can't be bothered with my friends and their partners and children because it seems to me to reflect an arrogance and a failure to value other people. Yes, it's important to have a balance of friend time and family time, but I want DS to grow up to be open-minded to meeting new people and new experiences and having a husband who would participate occasionally would help.

We do lots of things with friends. Probably more often than with family, beyond our own household, as our friends can be closer to our location so easier the arrange.

For example, today we are having Sunday dinner with friends. The girls are all teenagers but known one another since being babies. We meet up with these friends regularly and have been on day trips and holidays with them, plus nights out/away with and without the children.

We have other friends we meet up with with and without children too. Most are now friends we have known for many years. Some have children our DD's age, some younger and a couple have no children. We have met up with all with and without children involved.

We do see our family too - mainly parents and siblings, mainly with children involved but as dd is off to university this September it will become more without our dd. Our family don't live close by though - nearest are an hour away, mostly 3 hours. We don't spend much time with extended family bar weddings, etc,

As I have more time away from work - I teach - and therefore did more of the childcare I also have spent time with our friends and our/their children without dh too. He's done the same as well, but less frequently over the years.

We enjoy spending time with our friends and missed it a lot over lockdown.

We do spend a lot of time as a family unit too I should add. The three of us are a tight family unit, but we also like to spend time with friends in addition to this.

I think it's important to try and maintain a social network outside of your marriage and immediate family. Worst case scenario, if you divorce, or heaven forbid one of you die, those other friends with children will be your support system.

My family all live miles away so if we only did stuff with them we'd rarely go out!

What a strange outlook you DH has 🤷‍♀️

We go out with friends and their kids all the time. It's fun for the kids and good company for me. You are definitely missing out!

No, I don’t like children, thankfully none of my friends have children and are unlikely to so I can easily dodge playdates.

@SimonJT, unless I am confusing you with a regular from the adoption boards, don't you have a child (to whom you always sound like a devoted father)?

OP, absolutely we do, including going on holiday with friends, but it's so the adults can see their friends, not for the benefit of the children particularly. Your husband sounds as if he's making excuses. And is rather rigid in his thinking, not to say arrogant. I mean, if he never spends time around other families, how has he got such a fund of negative opinions about other people's parenting?

I spend a lots of time with other parents with kids and occasionally as couples, although not as much. At the moment avoiding joint holidays. We have three under 6 including a rather boisterous boy so seriously who would want to go on holiday with us. I don’t want to go on holiday with us never mind anyone else! Maybe when they are a bit older and self sufficient and I can just sit and drink with the parents while they run riot.

Pre-covid we did. A group of several families all with children around the same ages. We used to go walking. Weekend camping trips etc. Now the “children” are young adults and we still all do things together but not as often because it is harder to make schedules match up.

The “core” group have been friends since teens and then spouses came along, one of the spouses brought along a sibling and family who “fitted”, then children.... we are like family to be honest.

I'm glad others are in a similar position to me - I don't see it as DH opting out. He certainly has done meet ups in the past, but has an element of social anxiety and finds socialising beyond family very stressful, and therefore that means I feel stressed when he makes the effort by constantly watching him and including him. I think if we had joint friends, it might be easier, but his good friends aren't up for socialising with families, so I would be including him in my friends with whom he doesn't necessarily have anything in common with other than me!
My DDs are exposed to the benefits of socialising with other adults and kids from me, and he does plenty with them. Yes there is give and take in each relationship- he certainly does things out of his comfort zone if I ask and vice versa.