I'm going to get sacked aren't I?

[ashamedanddepressed]

I've name changed because I'm just so ashamed of myself.

I've always enjoyed my job and I think I was pretty good at at. I went on mat leave last October. I started my return to work in July using KIT days and I'm now back full time. Things are getting on top of me though.

I had pretty bad PND after the birth of DS but I thought medication meant I had a handle on it. I don't. I'm missing things and mucking things up. It all came to a head this morning however when my internet connection was cut off. To put it lightly furlough has fucked is financially. I have payment holidays for what I can but bills are being missed. I can't even find a number to speak to a person about it just a bloody automated message.

I had to decant to my mums, I forgot a cable and had to go back for it and as a result was late to sign on. I've also missed a deadline to provide ID for background checks to be repeated (they're done every year). I really feel like I'm going to be out. I'm messing everything up.

I'm waiting on an appointment from the mental health team but they have been very little help and my GP thinks my dose is fine for my antidepressants but I've always been on the ball at work. Returning while working from home has been a challenge but not enough to cover up for my ineptitude.

So glad it went well with your line manager; now you just need to get the GP/mental health side of things sorted out. As someone who's suffered with anxiety and depression to the extent I had to stop working for a while (with a combination of some freelance work, back almost full time now though, from home, hurrah), I think the pandemic has made many people realise that anyone can need help with their mental health. Good for you for reaching out, that takes real courage.

I was also going to suggest one backup option for your Internet access, rather than use your phone as a hotspot, which can end up being hideously expensive, might be to look into a dongle - I've used them in previous years, and you don't have to tie yourself into a contract either, there are usually PAYG options. There are only 4 companies who offer them (EE, Vodafone, 3 and O2, as they're actually the only mobile companies - well, apart from arguably BT), so it depends on coverage in your area.

All the best, and here's to your GP getting you the help you need.

The call from the doctors never came so I'll have to ring them again tomorrow if I can.

Yay! I'm glad your manager is doing the right thing by you, OP. Frankly, you sound like the perfect employee -- well organised, enthusiastic, ready to try several solutions if something goes awry. All this while caring for your baby!

Can you afford to outsource some of the household chores for a week or two? You're already doing so much; no wonder you feel a bit overwhelmed.

Thanks for checking in. Work wise better because I had my own WiFi in my own house. DS had a settling session at nursery which thankfully went well but I'm still not great in myself.
I called the doctors back and they said I missed their call, I didn't. They're apparently going to try again tomorrow.

Adding in good thoughts that the doc gets you sorted today.