I'm going to get sacked aren't I?

[ashamedanddepressed]

I've name changed because I'm just so ashamed of myself.

I've always enjoyed my job and I think I was pretty good at at. I went on mat leave last October. I started my return to work in July using KIT days and I'm now back full time. Things are getting on top of me though.

I had pretty bad PND after the birth of DS but I thought medication meant I had a handle on it. I don't. I'm missing things and mucking things up. It all came to a head this morning however when my internet connection was cut off. To put it lightly furlough has fucked is financially. I have payment holidays for what I can but bills are being missed. I can't even find a number to speak to a person about it just a bloody automated message.

I had to decant to my mums, I forgot a cable and had to go back for it and as a result was late to sign on. I've also missed a deadline to provide ID for background checks to be repeated (they're done every year). I really feel like I'm going to be out. I'm messing everything up.

I'm waiting on an appointment from the mental health team but they have been very little help and my GP thinks my dose is fine for my antidepressants but I've always been on the ball at work. Returning while working from home has been a challenge but not enough to cover up for my ineptitude.

I think my brain is just on high alert. I had bad anxiety too and it was making me sick. I think I'm just trying to be across too many things so none of them are getting enough attention to be done properly. I'm constantly watching DS to make sure nothing happens to him and trying to juggle the bills and I've had a few incidents of vandalism recently that I'm trying to deal with.

Even when something small happens I completely panic. Every little issue feels like it's going to be the end of the world and it's completely exhausting but because I'm no longer suicidal the GP seems to think I'm cured.

If you work for a decent organisation (and having an employee support scheme is a good indicator), they will look at ways to support you, rather than get rid of you.

Deep breaths, and be honest.

Oh bless you OP. We have had mnetters in the past who have had similar titles to their post but they have lost their company tens or hundreds of pounds. Or got drunk at the Christmas Party and groped their boss. Or "replied all" to the whole company in error, announcing something really embarassing.

I really, really hope that you do not get the sack for having tried to resolve a difficult situation during a pandemic, and slipped up for the first time. As someone above said, be positive if you can when speaking to your manager. Make it clear that you are seeking solutions so that it doesn't happen again. No need to feel positive. Just fake it, until you can make it. But also seek all the support that you can too.

I really hope that you are able to get help for your pnd, and to find practical support for yourself. I am in awe of anyone who can go back to work and make a good job of it with a baby at home. Even more so now during the pandemic when everything is topsy turvy. You are being amazing, carrying on. Remember Dory. Just keep on swimming. One day things will feel easier.

In the meantime, if you can treat yourself, this evening to a soak in the bath and an early night. Go to bed as soon as your little one does. If possible get four hours sleep in the bank before midnight. Best advice I was given when suffering pnd was to go to bed at 8 once a week. One good night's sleep a week changed my outlook and made things seem possible which had seemed impossible before.

Best of luck.

I think my brain is just on high alert. I had bad anxiety too and it was making me sick. I think I'm just trying to be across too many things so none of them are getting enough attention to be done properly

I can completely relate to this. My circumstances aren’t relevant here, but it’s an awful feeling. I make a lot of mistakes or miss things when I feel like this. Have you any annual leave left?

Don't forget lots of people found WFH tricky in the early days. Tech wasn't perfect, no one knew how not to look hungover on a video call, etc etc. since then most people have got quite slick at it. You are coming into it cold, with a new baby. You have a bit of catching up to do.

Cut yourself a bit of slack, sort out the techie stuff , put on some eyeliner, and remember no one can see you are still wearing your slippers and have half a croissant tucked out of sight behind the secret whiteboard where you have jotted down your to do list.

It feels huge to you right now but if you've a reasonable boss he'll see you tried to correct things and let it go.
I had prenatal depression and my boss didn't even notice most of the things I thought would lose me my job. Would you react badly if someone going through a hard time made a mistake or would you help them get past it. Try to give your manager the benefit of the doubt if they haven't shown you previously they would react badly.

If you need your wifi for work, your company should be paying for it.

I know it’s scary but these things happen, and I can’t imagine a manager not giving some leeway for the current disruption. Explain all of the things you did to try to resolve and mitigate any disruption to the company. Accept responsibility for the internet issue (although as this was never envisaged to be required for your job and will not be part of your contractual requirements they would struggle to hold this against you) and explain how you intend to resolve the issues.
You sound like a conscientious worker so don’t worry.
If you cry you cry and just explain the pressure and hormones which are totally normal and to be expected are contributing and you would like to access the worker support.
You haven’t done anything wrong so don’t worry. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can do.

You are going to be fine.
We all have times when we miss deadlines and mess things up.
Technical glitches happen all the time.

If you don't want to go into your finances just say you had no internet for a couple of days.
As for your PND, you disclose this as your company will make allowances.
If it is any help, I have had an employee wo has had over 20 incidents in a year and wet MIA for 7 days and he only received a written warning and was no sacked.

OP it’s never as bad as it feels . You won’t get the sack for a bad day And it’s often quite hard to sack people generally requiring lengthy process of evidence. Take a breath it’s going to be okay .

You’ve struggled financially and this has also has knock on effects to your day to day life .

If your manager is reasonable then just have a chat . If you think they have the potential to be difficult now or later down the line then just make sure you have something in writing and depending on your organisation you could speak to hr about wellbeing . Get ahead of it for sure .

Are you also juggling childcare and work due to covid . Lots of people will be on this position . Because you’ve only just come back there were probably communications and policy changes to support parents at home . Ask HR.

I'm sure you won't get the sack for this. I hope you manage to talk to your manager and that they are understanding.

How did the phone call with your manager go?

His call has ran over so I still haven't spoken to him.

I am really sorry you're going through this - you sound overwhelmed and that's when people usually make mistakes (from experience). I'd advise you to speak honestly to your manager. No way for us to know what your company is like but if one of my employees came to me and opened up - I'd go out of my way to provide appropriate support. If you were a good employee before your maternity leave, I honestly can't imagine this being a deal breaker for the company.

How did the call go?

That's me just off the phone. It went really well, he was lovely and is going to get the details for the EAP for me. He told me not to worry about it, that these things happen and the main thing is I figured it out and still worked! Apparently they let someone else go because he was offline for a month and didn't seem to care. Thanks everyone. I'm going to try the doctors again later.

Oh poor you op. You aren’t even close to a sackable offence.

I missed a really important conference call because I stupidly locked myself out of the house (entirely my own fault). I “confessed” all the my line manager, he thought it was funny and told me not to worry about it.

Best of luck I’m sure it will be fine.

Just read your update. Glad it went well and best of luck at the doctors

Hi OP, I just want to say I'm in a similar situation to you and it does get better.
Had a baby last June, went on meds for PND in october, they lifted my mood but I also needed therapy to help with the underlying issues and the anxiety i was feeling. Have you tried therapy? Without it I wasnt even able to leave the house.
I went back to work in December as I thought it would get to get things back to normal. But memory loss can be associated with depression and I found that I didnt just have baby brain, it was so much worse. I still have to have a notepad and pen with me at all times. every conversation, every phone call, every email, I have to take notes so that I dont forget anything.
The WFH really threw things up in the air and set me back again but we got into a good routine and things are manageable now. I completely understand that you feel you cant give enough attention to your job or your child and I still dont know what the solution to that is.
How the call with your manager has gone ok.

Cross posted with you, glad to see the call went well.

Bless you OP. If you were on my team I'd be doing everything I could to support you, not sack you! I hope the call with your boss went well and things seem more manageable now.

If you do have an EAP, they often/usually have either specific advisors or are partnered with a dedicated agency who can provide debt management advice (as well as general counselling), if that would help you get back on an even keel.

Good luck

Cross posted, glad to see you have an understanding boss.

Delighted for you.

the main thing is I figured it out and still worked

Exactly. Well done, both for figuring out how to keep working and for facing it and calling your boss. Turned out to be a good day at work after all!