DH is seriously ill and I don't feel as sympathetic as I should

[FinnyStory]

He's mid 50s and potentially has a life threatening illness, although hopefully it will be treated, we have a long road ahead.

We've had a terrible night, he's been in a lot of pain but eventually the pain killers have kicked in and he's now fast asleep and snorring loudly . I have not been back to sleep. Today he will rest all day while I have to do a day's work.

It's not his fault and mostly I am kind and considerate but I don't know how to get through today and I'm feeling angry with him. Whilst basically a decent bloke, he's one of those middle aged men who could never be told about smoking/drinking/eating well, so whilst it would be OTT to say this is self inflicted and he never drank to huge excess etc, I do feel he could have protected himself and therefore me and DC better.

Is it usual to swing between feeling very sorry for him and being actually quite angry with him?

Agree with your last para particularly what. I Have been terminally ill then 2 years later dp was, so have seen both sides of the fence. I managed to run a house and 2 small kids while being treated. Of course there’s some days you just cannot physically cope, but Being mollycoddled too much is wrong ( though very nice!) and you can fall into victim mode and depression.Just look after yourself first, it will help you not feel frustrated, resentful and avoid you snapping ( like I did ) which helped no one.
Hugs x

My Dad died of Congestive Heart Disease. He smoked, drank heavily, ate fried food and sandwiches with wedges of butter etc. everything he had was unhealthy and he was overweight. He ended up with Type 2 Diabetes and he was told in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't stop he is going to die... He ignored this completely with a wave of a hand at any questioning. As a result, his Heart Disease became Heart Failure and he died.

I was devastated. Though it was hard to find as much sympathy for him when he was sat there attached to his home Oxygen machine, as I would have if he'd had an illness that wasn't self inflicted.

@C8H10N4O2

Imagine a bloke coming on here complaining his seriously ill wife woke him up at night and then she gets a rest all day while he goes out to work? He’d get his balls torn off and rightly so

Lilian is spot on.

I'll tell you something else - in real life a man with an ill wife has people falling over themselves to be supportive and help him, a woman with an ill husband is expected to just crack on a deal with it.

And yes, I'm very familiar with chronic pain myself.

That hadn’t been my experience. My DH was diagnosed with complex cancer combination last year, both families, his friends and my friends could not have done more to help. His friends were amazing and really put themselves out to help me doing even the tiniest job, taking him to appointments etc

To be honest my experience here is that sex makes little difference in that people are initially supportive but soon drift away.

Where bereavement is concerned there is often a difference but my experience has been like a PPs where the focus is very much how hard it is for the spouse or partner and not the one who is actually always in pain!

Obviously that doesn’t make it any less difficult for the OP but I’m surprised here that what sounds like normal man living a normal life has been given such a hard time.

It is normal to feel angry when you're frightened. It is normal to feel angry when you're overtired.

What matters is keeping it under control by limiting sources of exhaustion (as others have suggested, separate bedrooms) and getting support for your fears (from people other than your dh).

Have been there several times, ime it fluctuates, but the anger itself is no sure indicator of relationship weakness: it may just be your brain saying "I'm not coping". It also doesn't mean you won't cope.

Go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, try to look for little things you can still enjoy together and laugh about. And don't waste energy trying to think about how things might have been different: that's the kind of thing you do in a nightmare, when you live over the same episode over and over again, desperately trying to change it, to make it different. You're awake now, you can choose not to do that. Just deal with where you are now, don't tire yourself out by running in circles around what you think might have been.

Thanks for all the differing views. The only thing I would like to say is that my "first" reaction wasn't blame and anger, we've have this diagnosis for six weeks now. The anger is what I was struggling with this morning after a very bad night and I think I made it clear I was bothered to be feeling that way.I've been through the entire range.

I've been for a run now, with a friend who's DH had cancer 10 years ago. She gets it

What is your husbands condition?

For people who find it difficult to understand, if a woman comes on here saying that she has a severely disabled child and can no longer cope and she just wishes it would all go away she would get nothing but sympathy here and rightly so. In fact, an awful lot of posters when talking about potentially ending up with such a child freely admit that they would terminate the pregnancy.

And yet because it’s an adult those feelings somehow become invalid. Why is that?

But there’s a huge difference between resenting the condition and resenting the person. I think that’s what people are getting at.

Shortly after DH and I married (he was 50) he collapsed at work. It was a severe viral infection but because of chest pain he was treated in hospital for a poss heart attack. I remember getting to the hospital and anger washing over me. I was furious with him for getting ill so soon after our marriage (and nothing to do with poss self-infliction) and then desperately guilty for feeling like that. A few years later a dear friend’s partner was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and she felt this same blind anger towards him. So it was certainly normal for us, whether it’s reasonable or not. At least we were able to share our feelings...and no one could have cared for/helped anyone better than my friend did, right through her partner’s illness.

I wish you and DH all the best. Look after you as well!

PatriciaPerch

But again, you're talking to people in a therapy group - not to your loved one.

If there's one thing harder than caring for someone with a life threatening illness it's being the person with the life threatening illness. The carer can walk away, can get a nights sleep in the spare room - the ill person can't escape it.

I didn’t say she did anything wrong. However I do think telling her husband how she feels is wrong and blaming him certainly is.

PatriciaPerch

Posters have been telling her to tell her husband how she feels. At the end of the day she could walk away and live a normal life - her husband can't.

PatriciaPerch

What do you mean "how"? People with children get divorced all the time. And I'm not saying that's what she should do or wants to do. It's pointing out that it's the ill person who has it worst because they are stuck with it. They can't escape it,even for a few hours, by sleeping in the spare room or going for a run or by leaving.

OP try to find some support.

In my area we have a brilliant carer's support organisation, a charity.
They run lots of courses, will give emotional and practical support.
This year I have had a course of one to one counselling sessions- very helpful all paid for by the organisation.
I was also encouraged to apply for a small grant to help make my own situation a bit easier and give me a break. I was awarded £350 to spend on beauty and massage treatments.
Support and help is there.

OP, some of the posts here are bizarre.

You are human. You are entitled to have your own emotions, be they fear, worry, anger, guilt or whatever. These emotions may express themselves in strange ways. You are the one holding it all together. Self care is important. Ideally you find someone with whom you can download. Its a bit like meeting a friend on a Friday night for a drink after a hard week in the office, having a good moan for 10 minutes, then moving on. But much more so. I met a couple of MNetters during the the ten years I was caring for a mother with dementia. One had her mother diagnosed in the same week at the same hospital. We met for coffee, and ended up laughing. Ostensibly about the mad things our mums had got up to, but also through relief that we were not alone. Having someone to hold your hand during the very difficult times is so valuable.

And its not true that it is only the ill person that feels it. My mum was living a very happy groundhog day without worries. I was the swan, trying to appear serene on the surface but paddling frantically below the water. I could not tell her when I had cancer. I could not tell her when DH was in intensive care. DD was 10 when my dad first became ill and 21 when my mum died. I was torn so many different ways, and I had ever right to feel angry, worried, upset or whatever.

Your DH will, obviously have his own worries, as well as pain and illness. Whether you confide in him is really dependent on where he is at. Perhaps he would want to support you. Perhaps he is ready to have constructive conversations about treatment, and even Wills, and how you will cope, indeed may actively want assurance that though you are finding it tough, you can cope.

Lots of people run away from caring or remain in denial. Standing up and getting on with it does not mean it is easy or that you do not need support. Several people on the Elderly Parents thread that I used to inhabit found counselling useful. Your GP would be a good starting point, in that he may be able to signpost you to support, perhaps prescribe counselling, and keep a watchful eye on your mood. And do buy the book I recommended up thread. It is OK to be less than perfect.