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Original poster

DH is seriously ill and I don't feel as sympathetic as I should

121 replies

FinnyStory · 12/08/2020 06:15

He's mid 50s and potentially has a life threatening illness, although hopefully it will be treated, we have a long road ahead.

We've had a terrible night, he's been in a lot of pain but eventually the pain killers have kicked in and he's now fast asleep and snorring loudly . I have not been back to sleep. Today he will rest all day while I have to do a day's work.

It's not his fault and mostly I am kind and considerate but I don't know how to get through today and I'm feeling angry with him. Whilst basically a decent bloke, he's one of those middle aged men who could never be told about smoking/drinking/eating well, so whilst it would be OTT to say this is self inflicted and he never drank to huge excess etc, I do feel he could have protected himself and therefore me and DC better.

Is it usual to swing between feeling very sorry for him and being actually quite angry with him?

OP posts:

SpringFan · 12/08/2020 08:44

Yep.
I feel the same way. DH has had an intermittent health problem for 12 years which has come more persistent and then another one developed 3 years ago. Fairly healthy life style, maybe a bit more wine that good for him....
I am sympathetic to a point, but it is the little things that he moans about that get me- the warts on the fingers which split, the sniffles. (However if I get anything I am moaning and he miraculously has the same thing but worse.) I just ignore them or am non commital. The more serious stuff I am supportive but the little stuff.......

ukgift2016 · 12/08/2020 08:45

I agree, why do you want talk to him about your anger? This is not about you. How is berating him over his lifestyle choices going to help?

LillianBland · 12/08/2020 08:45

@bluesapphirestars

I must admit I’m surprised at these responses and I think a man complaining about his wife’s illness would rightly be given short shrift.

Oh stop talking shite! The sex of the two people involved has nothing to do with it. Stop looking for man hating to fill your imaginary quota.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health

bluesapphirestars · 12/08/2020 08:46

The thing is “he will rest all day” makes him sound like a purposefully lazy twat. It does seem OP wants to make this his ‘fault’ in some way.

Obviously the night waking is awful and look into alternatives but the anger about a course life has taken is beyond me.

People get ill and die before their time a lot.

ancientgran · 12/08/2020 08:47

I'm a 30 year veteran of caring for a disabled husband who is in constant pain, they've never managed to control it fully and sometimes the painkillers make him feel so bad he prefers the pain.

Yes I feel resentful at times. I've come to realise that one of the hardest things is I could walk away and live a normal life. People will say he is so brave and of course he is but to be fair he hasn't got much choice, I stay voluntarily and face it. For many years I was working, bringing up children (the youngest was a baby and the older one a toddler when it started) and caring for him. I am now only working very part time but I am worn out.

Be kind to yourself, it is hard and in my experience people rarely recognise that. They ask how the patient is, rarely do they ask about the carer.

Personally I don't find blame helps, my husband's condition is something he was born with but was not recognised so he lived his life without realising the damage he was doing. No one's fault really, 70 years ago they didn't monitor babies the way they do now, his mother was a first time mum and didn't recognise the signs and he just thought everyone felt like he did so he got on with it. Our lives would be very different if someone had recognised what was wrong but it's 70 years too late to worry.

I am now his nurse not his wife and that is hard.

I hope his condition is treated and your life will be easier than mine.

bluesapphirestars · 12/08/2020 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SnowsInWater · 12/08/2020 08:51

YANBU for feeling like you do, you can't help that, but as someone who spent last year being treated for an out of the blue rare cancer diagnosis and still doesn't function "normally" if I thought my husband, who has been and remains incredibly supportive, resented me I would probably not be here now. Tbh I don't think your DH will distinguish between you being angry because you think it's self inflicted and just being angry that he is sick. You need support as a carer but if you have any feelings for your husband I would not tell him how you feel, at least for now.

LillianBland · 12/08/2020 08:52

@bluesapphirestars

Oh fuck off yourself lillian. Imagine a bloke coming on here complaining his seriously ill wife woke him up at night and then she gets a rest all day while he goes out to work? He’d get his balls torn off and rightly so. I’m just lost as to why this sort of selfishness and mememe is OK. I really don’t get it at all.

It’s obvious you don’t get it. But don’t let your ignorance stand in the way of giving a stressed OP a verbal kicking. You’re talking shite to a person under stress, to give yourself a nice warm feeling of superiority, while not recognising your own hypocrisy. Hopefully there’s no females in your life that expected support from you, when they’re struggling under the stress of being a carer. You’ll just jump in with the ‘what about the men?’ whine.

Bouledeneige · 12/08/2020 08:53

I'm sorry you're feeling rough OP and switching through emotions. You will certainly be more likely to feel resentful and upset when you're very tired so keeping an eye on how you look after yourself is important.

I can honestly say I think I would be a shit carer. I certainly find myself getting frustrated on my numerous visits to hospital (like the whole of New Year's Eve) with my dear 90yr old Dad - but I realise its not his fault at all that he gets sick or has a fall. Often its just the slowness of the NHS and their systems and the fact thats he's alone and panics when he feels rum.

But to be fair it doesn't really sound like your DH's lifestyle is excessively unhealthy and I think it would be unfair to blame that for his illness. Its not as if those feelings won't be going through his head anyway. I have a super healthy friend who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and its certainly got nothing to do with her life style - she runs, is fit and lean, eats very well and never drinks. Its just a shitty roll of the dice with DNA and other factors beyond her control.

It would be better in any case, for your and his state of mind to focus on the things you can change not on the things you can't. You cannot know all the causes of his condition but you can think about the simple pleasures and small acts of kindness that will make each day a little better. Take it day by day and try to focus on those things that help him, you and your DC to have a better day.

SpringFan · 12/08/2020 08:53

I agree with the comments about venting to friends IRL. I have a couple of friends who I rant to occasionally and they are really supportive and validate my frustrations. We are all/were HCP so they understand I that I feel a bit ashamed of myself.
I think maybe you should tell him how you feel, but not today. When thngs are OK maybe you need to talk about how you feel about his illnesses. If only in the context of managing the pain better so it doesn't affect you both.
At the moment dh is still in bed as he had a bad night, I took him tea in bed, have watered the important things in the garden, mumsnetted and just going for a walk before it gets too hot. Look after yourself, the long road takes it out of you.

bluesapphirestars · 12/08/2020 08:54

I’m not giving the OP a verbal kicking at all. I take it you reported the post I made that you thought attacked her?

Or do you think saying that I think she is unreasonable constitutes a verbal kicking? Because it doesn’t.

It is difficult, obviously. But anger and blame aren’t helpful. And I can tell you now when you’re in constant pain you never get to rest.

ancientgran · 12/08/2020 08:55

OP I forgot to say I eventually moved into the spare bedroom. I needed sleep if I was going to carry on. It isn't a perfect solution, I feel it moved me even more into the role of carer rather than wife but sometimes we just have to do what we can to survive.

bluesapphirestars · 12/08/2020 08:56

Spare rooms are EXCELLENT ideas, though.

No one is at their best after a shit nights sleep.

Friendsoftheearth · 12/08/2020 08:58

That sounds hard ancient for you. Thirty years!!

Mistlewoeandwhine · 12/08/2020 08:58

I don’t look after myself properly. On the outside I’m a confident reasonably successful person but really I hate myself and have a lot of suicidal impulses. I had a very abusive and neglectful childhood and even though I no longer take overdoses or cut myself etc I find it hard to love myself. Other people see a pretty but fat jolly lady with a happy family and a good life but they don’t know what lies beneath that. Only my husband knows the true extent of how damaged I am. So all this ‘you should lose weight’ or ‘take up jogging for your health’ doesn’t work on people like me.

LillianBland · 12/08/2020 09:01

@bluesapphirestars

I’m not giving the OP a verbal kicking at all. I take it you reported the post I made that you thought attacked her?

Or do you think saying that I think she is unreasonable constitutes a verbal kicking? Because it doesn’t.

It is difficult, obviously. But anger and blame aren’t helpful. And I can tell you now when you’re in constant pain you never get to rest.

No, I didn’t report your post as I thought it would be helpful to let it stand, so others could see the kind of unsupportive crap caters have to put up with. It’s difficult enough being a carer, without people judging you to be a failure and being judged against his a man would do it. After 25 years of working in brain injury rehab, I can assure you it’s not the women who walk away.

LillianBland · 12/08/2020 09:02

caters-carers

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2020 09:02

Imagine a bloke coming on here complaining his seriously ill wife woke him up at night and then she gets a rest all day while he goes out to work? He’d get his balls torn off and rightly so

Lilian is spot on.

I'll tell you something else - in real life a man with an ill wife has people falling over themselves to be supportive and help him, a woman with an ill husband is expected to just crack on a deal with it.

And yes, I'm very familiar with chronic pain myself.

dizzycatdance2 · 12/08/2020 09:08

If it hasn't already been mentioned by pp . get the book "the selfish pigs guide to caring", I think it , pretty much literally, saved my life when my dh (exdh now) was diagnosed with a major illness and I had to care for him, 4 dc under 12 and run our business.

Just because your dh is I'll does not mean you magically get a cape and sparkly pants.

(But you may already have sparkly pants 😁)

Malaya · 12/08/2020 09:09

I understand the frustration when your partner is sick and you feel resentful.

Dh has a condition which is hugely controlled by diet. He has been warned, many times, by his doctor that he needs to lose weight and change his diet and he will likely have no more flare-ups. He ignored it until he had such a bad flare up that he couldn’t walk for 10 days. He was in agonising pain and ended up on morphine because it was so severe. I resented him the whole time because he was warned it could happen. Not to mention I had a 3 year old and 6 month old twins. I had so much on my plate on top of looking after him. The sight of him hobbling around on crutches made my blood boil!

In circumstances like mine, I think you can be forgiven for feeling annoyed. If it’s an illness which is through no fault of their own, it’s different. You can still feel annoyed and stressed, it’s normal to feel that. People forget that it’s hard work for the families of those who are sick too. Obviously it’s nothing compared to the agony they are in but caring is emotionally draining and exhausting.

gamerchick · 12/08/2020 09:09

@bluesapphirestars

You're obviously someone who has never been a carer for someone who refuses to help themselves.

Sounds like it's seperate bedrooms time OP.

PatriciaPerch · 12/08/2020 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scubadive · 12/08/2020 09:11

Can you sleep in separate rooms? Explain that whilst you are taking the load and looking after him, you can only do it on a full nights sleep.

RoseAndRose · 12/08/2020 09:13

You say in the opening post 'potentially has'

How long since the diagnosis process began, and how long until the results?

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 12/08/2020 09:13

Completely understandable reaction in the circumstances.

You will continue to have emotion swings on this issue.

Best wishes to all of you.

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