DH is seriously ill and I don't feel as sympathetic as I should

[FinnyStory]

He's mid 50s and potentially has a life threatening illness, although hopefully it will be treated, we have a long road ahead.

We've had a terrible night, he's been in a lot of pain but eventually the pain killers have kicked in and he's now fast asleep and snorring loudly . I have not been back to sleep. Today he will rest all day while I have to do a day's work.

It's not his fault and mostly I am kind and considerate but I don't know how to get through today and I'm feeling angry with him. Whilst basically a decent bloke, he's one of those middle aged men who could never be told about smoking/drinking/eating well, so whilst it would be OTT to say this is self inflicted and he never drank to huge excess etc, I do feel he could have protected himself and therefore me and DC better.

Is it usual to swing between feeling very sorry for him and being actually quite angry with him?

Also if you can, consider taking some time off so you can get to grips with it all. Farm the children out if you have them to friends, give yourself some space, you sound very tired and exhausted. Talk to your employer they may be able to offer assistance, reduced hours and support.

Your anger is quite normal, but not helpful to either of you. Accepting it is what it is and working towards a solution, is a better idea. His illness isn't self inflicted and people never think their lifestyle will come back to bite them, but saying I told you so (however tempting) isn't helpful.

It would be nice if he said, he wished he'd listened to you, but people rarely do this.

Maybe just have a conversation with him as to why you don't appear sympathetic? Just get it off your chest, and hopefully get an apology, but it can backfire in you, and he will be angry and defensive because of his current anxiety over the illness. You could put it behind you then.

This sounds very stressful for everyone involved. I wouldn't say anything to him about feeling resentful but I don't think it's weird or wrong to think like that. Separate bedrooms would be good as do many pp's have suggested.
In situations like this everyone has to try their hardest to be kind to one another. Easier said than done sometimes.

Some of the responses on this thread are just hideous.

Be kind to your husband. Get support for your feelings - from someone else.

I think feeling resentful is normal although not fair or rational. I don’t suppose any of us have the perfect lifestyle and yet we expect sympathy and compassion when diagnosed with something like cancer. It’s easy to give compassion from a distance but not at all easy when it’s your quality of life being affected and you are having to be a carer.

His lifestyle sounds pretty ordinary to be fair. I have never smoked and I don’t drink so I could feel bullet proof on that front. I could definitely judge drinkers and even the vast majority who had a few fags as a teenager. I get to occupy the moral high ground. But I am overweight so you could all berate me for that ..

My point is I think you should recognise the lifestyle resentment as displacement. It’s a way of bargaining with the universe - the idea that the world is fair and if you kept your side of the bargain bad things wouldn’t happen to you. He didn’t keep to every single element of the bargain and if he had he wouldn’t have got ill.

When you think about it you know that’s not true. This is just your mind struggling with the horrible imposition of illness on you and your family. Which is entirely understandable.

I think separate rooms sound great. If you have that option. And looking after yourself. And not telling him about your anger at him - I can’t think that that would be fair. Tell us instead.

Normal reaction to the situation, I'd say.

My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in her early 60s - she'd taken far too long to go to the hospital to see what was wrong and by the time she got there, it was too late to save her.

My sister was furious with her. For not helping herself, for not sticking around to help out my sister with her kids, for leaving us. It's a natural part of grief.

I hope you can get past it though because it's poisonous to stay that angry - for you, I mean. If necessary I would recommend writing him a letter, explaining how angry you are - but do NOT give it to him, or let him see it. Burn it. It will help, however silly it sounds.

It will also help to actually have a chat with him, if you can do so without actively blaming him. He needs to know that you are hurting too and that you need support yourself - but blaming him won't help anyone.

for you - it's a rotten situation.

I think you should step back from your feelings. It's not unnatural to feel angry at times of stress but I think you should be wary of the post on this thread that suggest these feelings are logical. It doesn't sound like he was living it large, he just wasn't health focused. It's sounds like it's hard for everyone at the moment and I'd second seeking out counseling, at the very least, so you have a familiar resource to draw on if this situation worsens.

YANBU - carers aren't martyrs and need emotional support too - but it's not something you should discuss with your DH.

Have you heard of ring theory? You should aim to support people at the centre of the crisis, and seek support from those further out.

mentalhealthathome.org/2020/02/13/ring-theory/

If he's sneered at your attempts to give the family a healthy lifestyle then i can definitely understand how you are feeling. I'd be very annoyed, too.

I think it is fair to tell him this, too. Once it is off your chest it is done then - or it could turn into resentment. You never know, he may respond with - "yep, you were right, I was wrong and I am sorry'

tis he could have followed a completely healthy lifestyle and STILL contracted a serious illness. Healthy lifestyles do not guarantee a long and pain free life sadly!

My BIL died at the age of 52 from cancer, he was a serious runner, athletic, non drinking - never smoked and looked after his health and body religiously. It was genetic. There is nothing he could have done to have changed it. It was one of the things that upset him the most.

Yes a healthy lifestyle can help keep us healthy but it is not a free pass.

OP, I am in the same position as you except my DH's condition is terminal. I also lost my DM early to emphysema, so she never met her DGDs.

We are all human, all fallible, weak, and ultimately we will all die. We all make choices and some of those choices may adversely affect our health and our lifespans. Some people are genetically inclined to addiction, some will make 'bad' choices and live long lives, others may live exemplary lives and have bad health or die young, be run over by a bus etc. We may be able to alter the odds slightly but that is all. We cannot make choices for other people, even those we love the most. We are all responsible for our own actions.

I understand that you are tired and that makes things harder to deal with, but I don't understand why you seem to feel more sorry for yourself than DH. How awful to be in such pain and fear, to stare Death in the face and not to have the total support of the one who should love and care for him the most.

I wish you strength to cope and I hope that your DH has a good outcome.

We’re all human. And it often seems to be forgotten or even taboo to say that an illness impacts on everyone who is close to that person.

I have a serious illness and spent six weeks in hospital last year, cardiac arrest and so on were involved... But I know that, as hard as it was for my family, my parents felt frustrated that they had seemingly not had a normal day at home for weeks and weeks even though in some instances they were sat at the hospital waiting to see if I would make it through the night.

My ds will have been frustrated that I wasn’t there for him during his GCSE’s as I went into hospital on the day they started and have been there for him, always, but instead he had to deal with my parents staying in the house instead, something which I know was a trying experience for all involved.

But I have never expected people to compensate for me, in fact there are a lot of people who say I go the other way and that I think of the other people before myself.

And if I don’t survive this, (and there’s every chance I won’t,) then they will be the ones left behind picking up the pieces while other people will be dishing out the platitude that “she’s in a better place.”

Your DH is likely scared and confused, especially if he was previously healthy. But as much as he can’t be expected to go through this alone, he equally can’t expect to be considered in isolation.

A long time ago I had a fiance with cystic fibrosis. He had a successful double lung transplant with a long recovery time. Two years later he developed pneumonia, deteriorated and eventually died. Throughout all of this there were highs and lows for both of us, but I was new to it and not as supportive as I should have been. For me, I was in a new relationship with someone awesome but this 'thing' kept interrupting and frustrating me. It was me me me, the things happening to my life, how it was being affected. I couldn't project myself into his life and his point of view and I didn't know enough about the illness. Add to that his reluctance to discuss it with me as he wanted a girlfriend not another carer, and it definitely became an elephant.

Obviously cystic fibrosis wasn't his 'fault' (I don't want to say that a junk lifestyle is a definite cause of any illness because there are those who live well and get the same illnesses) but once that diagnosis comes and the future changes you have to forget everything that happened up to that day and start anew. It's going to be tough, and there will be a lot of thinking and talking involved (preferably with a support group who has been there, done that) but blame isn't going to help anyone here and both of your emotions are going to be riding waves so leave that one out.

Give it a little more time. Get the diagnosis and give him a chance to work out his feelings because he's more than likely feeling ashamed and trying to ignore what's happening.

It's normal. I remember when my mum had breast cancer. It wasn't her fault in the slightest and it was so so so hard for her. But it was also hard for my dad who suddenly had to care for her, be at all the appointments, emotionally support her, deal with doctors and family, deal with all of life's crap while also managing their business which they jointly ran before that. He never once complained but it was hard for him. Everyone knew that though and everyone sympathised privately. But ultimately, he wasn't the one enduring the pain, the treatments and fear of dieing very soon.

My DH wasn't very sympathetic when I had breast cancer last year. Seemed to resent taking over some of 'my' jobs when I was recovering from chemo, feeling shit etc. When I had a gene test and it was discovered that I have the BRCA2 gene, his first comment was 'oh so it wasn't your fault then'. It's completely changed how I feel about him to be honest. Please don't let your DH know how you feel. I know everyone is saying this is 'normal', I don't know how I feel about that really, I'm a but surprised.

It's probably better not to offload your feelings to your DH but he can no doubt tell that you're angry as he knows you very well. None of us are at our best when we're carers - the tiredness, worry, etc gets you down - it feels like a dark cloud hanging over both of you. It never really goes away.

I was a carer when my late husband had an acute terminal illness and I'll always wonder if I could have done things differently although the hospice staff said that I had nothing to reproach myself for. There's that 'what if' feeling. Please don't reproach yourself. Is there a hospice nearby to which the GP can refer you? They are marvellous places which help the whole family.

@Tenebrae

OP, I am in the same position as you except my DH's condition is terminal. I also lost my DM early to emphysema, so she never met her DGDs.

We are all human, all fallible, weak, and ultimately we will all die. We all make choices and some of those choices may adversely affect our health and our lifespans. Some people are genetically inclined to addiction, some will make 'bad' choices and live long lives, others may live exemplary lives and have bad health or die young, be run over by a bus etc. We may be able to alter the odds slightly but that is all. We cannot make choices for other people, even those we love the most. We are all responsible for our own actions.

I understand that you are tired and that makes things harder to deal with, but I don't understand why you seem to feel more sorry for yourself than DH. How awful to be in such pain and fear, to stare Death in the face and not to have the total support of the one who should love and care for him the most.

I wish you strength to cope and I hope that your DH has a good outcome.

This ^^.

Particularly this: I don't understand why you seem to feel more sorry for yourself than DH. How awful to be in such pain and fear, to stare Death in the face and not to have the total support of the one who should love and care for him the most.

Are you angry because you're scared? Once he's better (let's be positive) perhaps you need to think about whether you want to remain married.

I would hate to think that if I became ill my own partner would feel like you do. If she did, I would rather be on my own. I wouldn't expect her to sacrifice her life for me, nor would I expect her first reaction to be blame and anger.

I wish I'd had that 'selfish pig's guide to caring' myself as I cared for my husband for years and felt all the anger, frustration and tiredness as well as love and companionship during that time.

It's a hard road to travel for both of you, and you need to be kind to yourself, realise it's ok to prioritise yourself too, and I would look into counselling or support as an outlet. Lots of carers suffer from depression as it is a depressing difficult thing to do!

OP I can’t help but think that the posters saying you shouldn’t feel what you do have not had personal experience they can relate to this.
Eg above ...nor would I expect her first reaction to be blame and anger.

That’s the point, you can’t help how you feel.

My parter has a condition that is life changing, though not limiting. I sometimes feel real frustration and resentment which makes no sense as it’s not his fault but his outcome would be better if he took better care in certain aspects of lifestyle.

I get it and don’t blame you. It’s a stressful situation.

I once listened to a Woman’s Hour podcast about caring for a spouse and it was no nonsense, with people feeling very much allowed to say they weren’t good with the situation. Very healthy attitude to a shit situation. I’ll try and find a link. X

You can’t help how you feel seems a bit of a cop out to me.

I can’t imagine finding out that a beloved parent or spouse or child was terminally ill and being angry WITH them. I understand anger at the SITUATION but not WITH them.

Oh and believe me c8 not many people fall over to help full stop. It is difficult for carers. No one is saying it isn’t. But that is the point of the sickness and in health part isn’t it?

Hi! Have been through similar and it’s very hard. I went through exactly the same, then guilt etc. All of which are completely expected. It helps to le the feelings wash through you then they go, rather than grit your teeth and fight them. Similarly I was told that if I wanted to cry, not to bottle it up, but pull up on the lay-bys ( or wherever) right then and there and have a good howl. It really helps because then it’s gone and you can cope much better than if you are trying to hold it all in.
I would really recommend calling on the help of specific charity, ask gp for counselling, ask any local mental health charities for counselling. You may well think ( like I did) that ‘I don’t need to do that! I’m tough etc’ but I have found that in dealing with something as massive as this, one of the hardest things to learn to do is to ask for help.It’s a massive adjustment foR both of you, and they will treat it seriously. They will also say ( i suspect) that you must put YOUR health and needs first - so that you can have the energy to look after him. You are not being selfish, you are putting on your oxygen mask first so to speak. There is also a tendency for us to over help and for them to get used to it and become needy. Again, I was advised to let him do everything he can for himself and to ask him to ask you for specific help when he needs it. Otherwise you will be cooking him dinner, making cuppas giving him his meds..all of which he ( I assume) he can do. And he will possibly get used to it and consciously or not, it’s easy for him to fall into the ‘poor me I want all the attention’ role.Which is not healthy for either of you, and can lead to serious crap for you - exhaustion/depression. It’s also better for his mental and therefore physical health to be treated as ‘normal’ I mean a certain amount of there, there, but theN get on with it- so that he doesn’t start to see himself as ‘ill’. He needs to know he can still cope with stuff ( even if it’s a tiny thing). We were also told ( at maggies, amazing place for cancer) to accept that it’s all about baby steps. And if you can’t handle the day, get though the next hour - or minute and you can.
I wish you both, not strength, because I don’t know what that is, and because it implies that if you are having a wobble you have somehow failed, but the ability to ask for specific help ( when your mates say ‘ let me know I’d I can help’ say, yes! I’d like you to bring a lasagne round on Tuesday. ‘ they will be delighted to be of constructive use, and you are helping them feel helpful. Be very very forgiving of yourself and your emotions, talk nicely to yourself, do some sort of mindfulness, ( just a walk concentrating on sensations - you can’t think if you are feeling physically and that gives your mind a chance to calm down and stop overloading you with adrenaline. Also! Deliberate slow breaths fool your mind into thinking you are relaxed and you will find it easier to cope the more relaxed you can be.
Gosh, I could go on! It’s been such a steep learning curve and you will learn some valuable lessons and meet some amazing people. You’ll also find some friends can’t cope, and that’s ok too.But you’ll get through this somehow.
Anyway, love and Take care of you first!!!

I think your feelings are natural. I have a family member who always ate what they wanted, smoked and drank excessively. Now in later life, health is pretty poor. Impacts on their partner and means that their retirement is a bit crap really.
I would say, my family member has always been pretty selfish. Maybe your DH is the same.
We all owe it to ourselves to lead a reasonably healthy lifestyle. Many people may choose not too and that’s their choice but they shouldn’t expect everyone around them to suffer.
And many people are ill through absolutely no fault of their own and that is completely different. But if what you’re saying is, his choices have lead to this condition or a worse condition then I think you are entitled to bring that up with him at an appropriate time.

OK - I'm going to throw my hat into the ring. I have a lifelong condition - a genetic one but it didn't rear its head until I was 30. I have OK days and I have terrible days. I have been married a good few years. Not long after I was diagnosed my husband fold me to my face that he resented me for being ill and I can tell you that although he will understand your frustrations he will be left feeling like shit and will possibly never look at you in the same way again.

I think that if you can't sympathise with a sick partner then the kindest thing you could do is leave.

I do agree that carers need support of course. I have been a carer and it's tough. I have noticed though, the lack of thought when it comes to what people say about sick partners and carers. I will never forget when DH's boss came over to do a work related task with him and she talked to him about me right in front of me! "Oh X it must be so hard for you dealing with this". I felt like screaming "Him dealing with this? What about the person who is actually sick??"

Do you know what it's like to be seen as a problem to be dealt with? Do you know what it's like to be scared to death about death? Your supposed life revolving around hospitals? Tests? Meds?

Unless your DH was an alcoholic or a drug addict - which are the only things that are totally self inflicted then I think he deserves your full sympathy.

Should you lean on each other for support? Absolutely! Should you express how tired you are? Of course. These things are natural in life. Should you tell him you don't sympathise with him? God no.

Normal to feel angry. Not healthy to be building up resentment and blaming him for his illness. Find your own outlet of counseling to work through these feelings.

Imagine if you were seriously ill and in pain and be blamed you?