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Original poster

Partner took out loans in my name

70 replies

tiredmummylife · 09/08/2020 13:42

Been with my partner for 11 years. Abandoned me when got me pregnant at the start of our relationship and has a long history of burying his head in the sand / immature behaviour.

We now have a two year old together and he is a brilliant father to her and we were generally happy day to day. He has been very depressed for almost a year now and unpleasant to be around. Found out last week he has taken huge amounts of loans out in my name as well as loans out in his for gambling / trading on sport, supposedly for “us”. There was no need for this as I earn a decent and higher salary than him and we were very comfortable, but he seems obsessed with being successful and rich.

Don’t know if I can move past this latest betrayal, but I don’t want to disadvantage my kid and am afraid of being a single parent or finding love again. I think he is a kind man at heart but is so self destructive and dysfunctional I do not trust him to ever get it together and not to hurt me again.

I do not want to go down the fraud route or advice about the money, as I have strategised selling our home and have kind of figured that stuff out. What I would like to know is what you would do and advice about how to decide whether to try and make it work or end it? What would you do?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 09/08/2020 13:43

I'd leave him.

TenCornMaidens · 09/08/2020 13:44

He sounds like an addict.

Goawayquickly · 09/08/2020 13:45

Unpleasant to be around, gambling and defrauding you - your daughter is disadvantaged having this man as a father. I would end it.

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HollowTalk · 09/08/2020 13:46

I would call the police on anyone who did that to me.

MissBPotter · 09/08/2020 13:47

Would definitely leave him and could never trust him again. Surprised you would think about staying really, id prefer to be alone than with someone who is basically defrauding me.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 09/08/2020 13:47

End it. He has a history of letting you down and now his child's home will be sold to sort out his secret, fraudulent debts.

Pelleas · 09/08/2020 13:48

I'd go down the fraud route and press charges. And obviously, LTB.

IggyAce · 09/08/2020 13:49

Sorry he’s an addict and will only change If he wants too. I would leave him and sorry but I would report the fraud so that he can face consequences of his actions. Why should you or your daughter be disadvantaged because of his actions.

Berthatydfil · 09/08/2020 13:52

Ltb, go to the police and report the fraud. This might fuck up your future credit score.
Why should you have to sell up and lose a stable roof over your child’s head to settle his frivolous irresponsible spending.
Do this and your telling him this isn’t the worse I will accept so prepare for him to drag you down further.

lifestooshort123 · 09/08/2020 13:59

I would end it. I'm sorry cos I think you want us to say stay with him. I'm not one to advocate binning a guy if he farts in bed, swears when he's drunk etc, but this addiction could ruin you in the future. Whatever he promises now, he will not be able to stick to it in the future. He can still be a good dad but from a distance and must live financially independent of you.

Original poster
tiredmummylife · 09/08/2020 14:00

The implications of fraud of this scale are that he could get jail time and not see his child. He would also lose his job and be unable to find one easily again meaning less ability to pay off the debt. I feel I cannot do that to my daughter as they love each other very much. I agree with you all in theory, but the reality is that there is love and emotions involved in this as well. Which does not make things so straight-forward. But I am leaning towards moving on without him.

OP posts:
Enchantmentz · 09/08/2020 14:07

Being financially ruined by him will happen if you let this slide, his ambition or ego shouldn't come at a cost to you and your dd. He can still be a good dad/co parent whilst only being responsible for his own finances elsewhere. Sure being single is daunting to some but the relief of security outweighs it ten fold, your circumstances sound like it wouldn't be so difficult to go alone with dc.

Overall I just couldn't forgive him he is stealing and hiding stuff from you, where will it end?

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/08/2020 14:08

How could you ever trust him again? And what kind of relationship would you have without the trust?
He can still be a good Dad even if you're not together.
So, what is the plan with these loans? (It's a rhetorical question, none of my business how you sort them out) But as they're in your name, if they get defaulted on, it'll be you that suffers, and ultimately your child. I don't think he'd care.

LIZS · 09/08/2020 14:08

He is now an ex i hope. He has breached your trust to fund an addiction. Whether you can afford to subsidise him or not is irrelevant, he will just keep taking not contributing. From you from your dc ... He may even have more debts than he has admitted and taken from others. If you cover this up it will only resurface further along. Where will you draw a line?

Original poster
tiredmummylife · 09/08/2020 14:14

Thank you for the last few and more constructive comments. Basically we are selling the house and he is taking the collateral of his half of the house to pay off my loans. As you can imagine he is in despair and suicidal. He’s very focused on paying off my debt in particular and is remorseful. Thing is we need to live in the house for the time being. Any advice on coparenting and making the split smooth welcome. I am trying to split weekends where I am away for a day for them to have time and then I take her for a day. I feel mostly distraught for our daughter.

OP posts:
Pringlemonster · 09/08/2020 14:20

Police ,obviously
Otherwise your saying it’s ok for him to keep doing it

Reluctantcavedweller · 09/08/2020 14:26

This is so tough for you and you are being so strong Flowers. The reality is that you need to leave him because you can't trust him. He's literally gambled away his daughter's home and stolen from you.

You need to make sure your finances are completely separate and he has no access to your money while you sort out the house. Also, if he pulls a stunt like this again, he needs to know that you'll go to the police, prison or no prison.

Scrumptiousbears · 09/08/2020 14:31

He will do it again. He is an addict. He is only remorseful because he has been caught. Please don't be stupid. Report him to the police, split.

SociallyDistantPenguin · 09/08/2020 14:38

This time you can pay off the debt by selling your home.

Next time you won't have a home to sell.

Don't let this slide, don't sell your home.
Your daughter deserves better than what YOU are about to do to her by allowing this.

wowfudge · 09/08/2020 14:40

Have you posted about this before? What are you doing to guarantee the loans in your name will be paid off? If you have a joint mortgage and a joint bank account he could easily empty the account, pay off nothing and leave you with nothing. If you're the poster I think you are I wouldn't trust him one iota.

nzborn · 09/08/2020 14:46

Wouldn't trust him with anything in my life and while he's your partner you won't find anyone else.

lifestooshort123 · 09/08/2020 14:47

I'm shying away from the police action but I'd need to be 100% sure legally that he couldn't do it again using my name and property as collateral. You won't need to mother/monitor his actions once he's financially independent and living on his own and he can still have a loving relationship with his daughter. He won't stop doing it until he wants to and knowing he can use you and your name is enabling him. It sounds as though you're getting your ducks in a row so good luck - dig deep and be firm.

Original poster
tiredmummylife · 09/08/2020 14:48

I haven’t ever posted on here before. This is the first time he has done something like this and it happened over the last 9 months. I have split our bank accounts and have spoken to a solicitor already. Only found out on Thursday. Pretty stressed.

OP posts:
Planterlifer · 09/08/2020 14:50

Is a man who steals from his child's mother and gambles away that child's home a good father?

LizzieBlackwell · 09/08/2020 15:00

Tiredmummy I think your that bogged down you can’t see the reality your in.

He has got you in to so much debt your having to sell your house. You should be incandescent with rage. He’s committed fraud against you and your now going to have to pay it back whilst he uses the excuse he is depressed.

My friend is similar and her mental health is suffering but she will not kick her husband out because she worries about the kids. So she works her fingers to the bone to support her arsehole lazy husband. I could slap her sometimes.

Can you imagine some one doing this to your kids? You’d be fuming!