Partner took out loans in my name

[tiredmummylife]

Been with my partner for 11 years. Abandoned me when got me pregnant at the start of our relationship and has a long history of burying his head in the sand / immature behaviour.

We now have a two year old together and he is a brilliant father to her and we were generally happy day to day. He has been very depressed for almost a year now and unpleasant to be around. Found out last week he has taken huge amounts of loans out in my name as well as loans out in his for gambling / trading on sport, supposedly for “us”. There was no need for this as I earn a decent and higher salary than him and we were very comfortable, but he seems obsessed with being successful and rich.

Don’t know if I can move past this latest betrayal, but I don’t want to disadvantage my kid and am afraid of being a single parent or finding love again. I think he is a kind man at heart but is so self destructive and dysfunctional I do not trust him to ever get it together and not to hurt me again.

I do not want to go down the fraud route or advice about the money, as I have strategised selling our home and have kind of figured that stuff out. What I would like to know is what you would do and advice about how to decide whether to try and make it work or end it? What would you do?

@LizzieBlackwell

Tiredmummy I think your that bogged down you can’t see the reality your in.

He has got you in to so much debt your having to sell your house. You should be incandescent with rage. He’s committed fraud against you and your now going to have to pay it back whilst he uses the excuse he is depressed.

My friend is similar and her mental health is suffering but she will not kick her husband out because she worries about the kids. So she works her fingers to the bone to support her arsehole lazy husband. I could slap her sometimes.

Can you imagine some one doing this to your kids? You’d be fuming!

This. He's a criminal.

My nephew's father did this to him (they had the same name but my nephew is 'junior'). He had to press charges and even then it took years to clear his name for credit and 20+ years on it still comes up every now and then. Fucking arsehole bloke was no 'good dad' to do this. 'Good' people don't do this to their kids and that's what your partner has done to yours, made his child homeless/have to sell her home because of his selfish criminality.

You would be doing your child a huge disservice if you stay with him. And you need to make sure those debts are paid off in full otherwise your credit record will be shot.

A good father does not steal from his child. He is a shit father.

He's going to take the profit from his half of the home and blow that, too.

@tiredmummylife

I haven’t ever posted on here before. This is the first time he has done something like this and it happened over the last 9 months. I have split our bank accounts and have spoken to a solicitor already. Only found out on Thursday. Pretty stressed.

Even if he uses his part of the equity to clear the loans in your name, what makes you think he won't do it again?

He's found out how easy it is. The temptation will be there.

You need to reeport him, because you otherwise risk your credit rating being shredded. This will have a big impact on your life and what you are able to do.

I would leave and report him to the police for fraud.

Your poor daughter having parents who put her last.

If either of you put your daughter first, he would be going to the police and admitting what he has done, or you would be reporting him.

Unfortunately your daughter is collateral damage in this.

Poor child.

Personally, I would be wanting to take legal advice, to find out how (if I can) to ensure that the monies from the sale of your house are indeed applied to the debts he has created in your name. Next, I'd want to know how to ensure he cannot do this again, and if there is any way to protect your personal credit rating from further damage. These are the most important things you can do, in my view, to ensure that you can continue to provide for your child as well as possible, which is obviously in her best interests. You need to protect yourself to protect her.

If he is feeling depressed and suicidal, that is not your priority, to protect him from the consequences of his actions. I'd be asking him if he was doing anything proactive to deal with his gambling addiction and his state of mind, because these are currently his problems to deal with, and I'm a tad busy dealing with the fallout of his problems to be his support person and help him sort those out too.

Your child has already been disadvantaged by their father's actions meaning their home has to be sold and your financial security jeopardised. You need to try and ensure they are not further disadvantaged by their father's actions going forward.

Oh @tiredmummylife, handhold here. Just so you know. You are a great mum, and your daughter will grow up OK. She will understand that both parents love her and sometimes things go wrong but she will have an example in you of a responsible and smart mummy who did what was right, even if it was not easy. Hope it works well for you.

This is a difficult one, what he has done IS Id theft/ fraud and if it s loans under only your name it's your credit history that will be shot if he doesn't pay them back. Is it worth the risk? The banks will only raise it as fraud if you are willing to prosecute. Surely if he truly respected you he would nit have put you in this situation I'm so sorry you are going through this. Only you can decide what to do, if I was in your shoes I would raise it as fraud, prosecute him and let him deal with consequences and move on and start a fresh. Big hugs xxxxx

Have you done a credit check to make sure there aren’t actually more loans than he says there are?

I understand why the police feels like a big thing, really you should report him but if you won't you need to se a solicitor.
They should be able to apply for a non molestation order referring to finances. They can also make sure his part of the equity goes to pay off the debts in your name.
Then you need to be physically and financially separate as soon as possible.
I'd suggest signing up to experien and setting up alerts if anything changes on your credit record. Close any joint accounts ASAP. Keep any records that show you didn't apply for the credit or didn't know about it such as texts between you or try to get it in writing so if he does it again and you do go to the police you've got more proof. Change your banking passwords, move any financial material to somewhere else such as your parents house.
It sounds like your daughter is going to need you in as good a financial position as you can get as her dad won't be any good in that respect. Please don't feel sorry for him. Protect yourself so you're sorted for your daughters sake.

Is a man who steals from his child's mother and gambles away that child's home a good father?

This.

He is not a brilliant father!!!

You need to seriously stop feeling any sort of protective or defensive of him and transfer all of those feelings towards your daughter.

Protect her future. Defend her security.

I know it's so tough now but you are selling your family home to give him a get out of jail free card - LITERALLY.

He's just learned that no matter how much he fucks up, no matter how much he risks your family's security, no matter how little regard he has for your financial security, you'll pick up the pieces and still think he's a brilliant dad.

Like someone else said, this time there was a house to sell. He will do this again.

You need to get a forensic accountant (I think that's what they're called) to deep dive on this and be absolutely sure you know about everything to do with finances - yours and his.

There will likely be loans you don't know about, he will have minimised everything, your credit rating is now shot to shit. What if something god forbid happens to you and you can't work? You were in a good position before to ride that out - he's fucked that up.

He needs to be staying with family /friends so you can focus on what to do with a clear head. You cannot do that with him there in the house as he will use things like suicide threats to manipulate you and that means you'll be putting his feelings first, over you and your daughters future.

This is a massive betrayal, he has stolen from you. He has stolen what sounds like tens of thousands of pounds, am I right? You'd be liable for all of that debt because it's in your name and he knows you wouldn't press charges. Think about how disgusting that is.

I'm so angry on you and your daughters behalf.

@backseatcookers

Exactly!

Your daughter is 2.
A good age to break away
She will manage
Why are you takng on your dp crimes?
You will just enable him to do more Nx he will drag you down with him.
So he goes to jail couple years. Best thing if it teaches him a lesson
Carry in and you get caught up in it maybe charged as well

Don’t know if I can move past this latest betrayal, but I don’t want to disadvantage my kid and am afraid of being a single parent or finding love again.

Sorry just to pick up on this - you are MASSIVELY disadvantaging your daughter if you stay with him. Massively. So, so massively. She can either have a single parent who is stable, responsible and puts her first.

Or parents who are together but acting irresponsibly (him primarily but you as an enabler), unstable (as your relationship is incredibly unhealthy and you say he is unpleasant to be around and now suicidal) and neither of whom are putting her first currently.

I know that might be awful to hear but if you stay with him, you are absolutely not putting your daughter first.

If you are determined to avoid the police/fraud route, and you need to continue to live with him until the house is sold, you must insist on:
-open access to all his devices

• access to his credit score on a weekly basis.
• his agreement to go to gamblers anon starting immediately.
• the clear understanding that if he ever does anything like this again, you will call in the police. There will be no second chance.

I admire your sense of calm. In your place I would be furious

Report him to the police. This is all on HIM- if he loses time with your DD because of it it is entirely his fault. He sounds a selfish entitled arsehole and frankly I'm amazed you stayed with him when he abandoned you at the start of your relationship but that's irrelevant now- I just think it shows what a pathetic person he is all round and you need to put yourself and DD first now.

You say you are selling your house- are you planning to buy another home for yourself? If you're not able to buy another then that is again on him.

The loans he will have taken out in your name will have badly affected your credit rating. You need to report it to the police and contact Experian to get this sorted so you come out of this as well as possible. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and DD. You cannot stay with someone who has done this to you.

This doesn't mean you are preventing him having a relationship with DD. It is on him if it suffers because of his appalling behaviour. He has to face the consequences of his actions.

You are disadvantaging your daughter by staying with this man. He is a liar, a thief and a gambling addict. And he won't kill himself - that is number 3 of 'how to emotionally blackmail your partner from leaving you' in the abuser's handbook.

Why do you love him? He doesn't love you. He loves gambling. You may want to have a think about why you don't think you deserve better than this shitty man who has financially ruined your family and put his daughters wellbeing in jeopardy.

OP I speak as someone whose marriage ended because ex had lied about quitting his job behind my back and who also racked up 25k debt in secret- in his name only. The betrayal was massive and there is no way I was going to sacrifice the rest of of life and happiness staying with someone who did this, despite us having DC.

He has also taken credit cards out in my name since we split (not to even use but to cause me distress and inconvenience) and i have to contact Experian to sort out the mess it makes each time. Men like this are disgusting and you cannot be with someone who has done this.

It's worse than an online fraudster doing something like this- this is someone who is supposed to love and care for you and this is how they behave? Please raise your standards OP you deserve so much more and so does your DD.

Have you had specialist advice about the debt, eg from Step Change or similar? If you're not already on Moneysavingexpert debt forums they are a wonderfully knowledgeable and supportive crew. Look up the process of negotiating "full and final" settlements in particular. You may not always need to pay the face value of the debt to settle it (however F&F settlements are usually used when you're having difficulty repaying). Don't settle the debts using your equity unless you're splitting up, as he may well run them up again.

I would see a lawyer on how to protect your credit rating. I have no idea how you can stop him from creating more cards and feeding his gambling addiction. I’m saying split up but asking you what can you do to prevent this from happening again? When you should not trust him with finances, because of his addiction.

If you're getting the money back I see no need to involve Action Fraud or police.

I think you'd be right to move on without him, he might be a nice bloke but he's a total liability.

Get a home for you and your daughter, then you can co-parent, be friends, even date if you must but you shouldn't be financially linked to him again. He can be trusted to be a grown up and he's unlikely to change.

Obviously that's meant to say he can't be trusted!

You're going to sell your daughters home to keep her lying thief addict father out of prison? Poor child.