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Original poster

Partner took out loans in my name

70 replies

tiredmummylife · 09/08/2020 13:42

Been with my partner for 11 years. Abandoned me when got me pregnant at the start of our relationship and has a long history of burying his head in the sand / immature behaviour.

We now have a two year old together and he is a brilliant father to her and we were generally happy day to day. He has been very depressed for almost a year now and unpleasant to be around. Found out last week he has taken huge amounts of loans out in my name as well as loans out in his for gambling / trading on sport, supposedly for “us”. There was no need for this as I earn a decent and higher salary than him and we were very comfortable, but he seems obsessed with being successful and rich.

Don’t know if I can move past this latest betrayal, but I don’t want to disadvantage my kid and am afraid of being a single parent or finding love again. I think he is a kind man at heart but is so self destructive and dysfunctional I do not trust him to ever get it together and not to hurt me again.

I do not want to go down the fraud route or advice about the money, as I have strategised selling our home and have kind of figured that stuff out. What I would like to know is what you would do and advice about how to decide whether to try and make it work or end it? What would you do?

OP posts:

Janaih · 09/08/2020 18:24

This man is a bad father. If you stay with him it makes you a bad mother. Would you be happy for your daughter to marry an addict when she grows up? You cant save him. Cut your losses.

AuntyPasta · 09/08/2020 18:27

I would have searches done, if you haven’t already, to check no other credit has been taken out in your name. Don’t take his word for it that the debt you know about is all of the debt

AuntyPasta · 09/08/2020 18:33

If he’s supposed to be repaying you from his share of the equity when you sell the house, you need to make sure that the money from the sale goes to your account and that you pay him any he’s owed. A big amount of cash in the account of a serious gambler is going to disappear fast.

Whatever you do, don’t ever marry him.

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AuntyPasta · 09/08/2020 18:34

I’d also be worried that he might have remortgaged your house.

pointythings · 09/08/2020 18:35

If you don't go the fraud route, he will get away with this. The consequences will be minimal. And somewhere in the future, he will meet another woman and do the same thing to her - and she may not be fortunate enough to be able to take the hit.

He needs to feel the pain of what he's done. All of it.

backseatcookers · 09/08/2020 18:57

OP you also need to ensure that the loans taken out in your name are paid off before any of the ones in his name are. Do not be 'nice' about this - he has stolen from you and your daughter's futures. It's the absolute least he can do if you really won't involve the police.

TheABC · 09/08/2020 19:09

Why are you not angry?
He stole from you.
He ruined your credit score and broke your trust
His actions have left you homeless.

Right now, you need to protect yourself and your- financially, legally and emotionally.

Do a credit check on both yours and her name. Ensure there is no remortgage or extension loan.

Get advice on the fraud - you don't have to press charges but you do need your name clear and intact. Your daughter can still have a relationship with her father in the future but she will have an infinitely shittier future if you are dragged down as well. Just one example: a credit check for a rental property. What happens if you fail that?

FatCatThinCat · 09/08/2020 19:33

I agree with all the previous posters. This is unforgivable, he has stolen the roof from over your child's head. Report him and get rid before he drags you down with him.

NOTANUM · 10/08/2020 09:01

I know you're in shock and want to "sort" this asap with the minimum of fuss and possibly without others knowing.
However it's possible (likely?) that you don't yet know the extent of the deception.
I would involve a specialised solicitor to make this settlement formal and to prevent him doing this or similar again.

He might be a great dad but think about this.. A friend who left her husband because he was taking her money saw him repeat that cycle when her child become an adult. I know that's a sobering thought..

Please separate financially with a solicitor's help and don't try to do side deals.

Perro · 10/08/2020 09:08

I’m not sure of the legalities, but I would think that by covering (i.e. not reporting) him fraudulently taking loans out in ypur name, that you are implicated in his crime?
Do you want your DC to have 2 criminal parents?

frazzledasarock · 10/08/2020 09:12

Rather curious. What guarantee do you have that the man who is addicted to gambling to such an extent that he has taken fraudulent loans out in the mother of his child’s name and is happily making his child homeless by standing by and watching his partner sell her house to settle these loans she did not take out.

What part of this man do you suppose is going to willingly and happily use up potential gambling money to settle loans that are not in is own name?

Pebblexox · 10/08/2020 09:18

I don't get how you're so calm. You're prepared make yourself and dd homeless to protect a man that obviously would not do the same for you!

You need to report him, protect your daughter. He will do this again, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year but it will happen. What if he does it to your daughter in years to come? Is that okay because they love each other so much?
Wake up.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/08/2020 09:50

You wouldn't allow a stranger to do this to you. Why allow someone who professes to love you do this?
It is fraud.
He has no respect for you or your DC.

user1471538283 · 10/08/2020 15:42

Oh my goodness please cut ties as quickly as possible. He will ruin you. Can he move out now you've split financially from him? I would also get your solicitor to write to the creditors to state that this has nothing to do with you. I would be prepared for more debt to come out. You need to think of yourself and your child

MumsyMumIAmNot · 10/08/2020 16:01

I'd leave him and report him for fraud. My child would know mummy is no fool.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 10/08/2020 16:04

You are selling your daughters home? For someone that treats you both like that? Wow......

backseatcookers · 10/08/2020 17:09

How are you doing today OP?

Crunchymum · 10/08/2020 17:17

How did you get over the abandonment in pregnancy @tiredmummylife ?

I note you have a two year old (but no older kids???)

CaffeineInfusion · 11/08/2020 00:44

Been there, done that.

I suggest police and divorce, while your daughter is young enough to be unaware that she has a selfish prick for a father, and at the moment, a mother who is wavering over putting her interests first.

But you can change that.

Be the mother your child deserves. Act for her.

As for your other half, grown up decisions have grown up consequences. Seriously, they don't change.

Secure the roof over you and your daughters head. Don't give it away to some knob who will most likely go bankrupt anyway.

Purpleartichoke · 11/08/2020 01:52

I understand not wanting to put him in prison, but at the very least, I think I would have to leave the marriage.

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