Is anyone awake?

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

I work in the emergency services and recently experiencing an incredibly distressing tragedy. It happened right in front of me and I was trying desperately to stop it from happening. As a result I am in the official process of investigation. This doesn't mean I am in trouble, on the contrary I am a Witness to said event which should help provide answers to the family about the circumstances and what happened. Unfortunately to keep this process transparent, we are not allowed to discuss it with each other (me and colleagues that were there) until we have all given an official account.

This means I have not been able to process what happened in a normal way. I cannot discuss the details with colleagues. I cannot help myself to process the trauma. It happened just under a week ago and I have been coping ok (was given time off work following incident). But I am struggling to sleep. When I close my eyes I get flashbacks. I see it happening again and I think I'm scared to sleep. I was sent home from work as I was crying a lot.

I normally have some pretty good coping mechanisms and I understand these are all normal responses. I need time and support to effectively process what happened. But in the meantime, I'm awake with a very important day tomorrow and no idea how to get to sleep tonight.

Hi

Not sure Ican help much but I hear your pain

Hi OP,
I’m just heading to bed, but didn’t want to read and run. Hope you get some sleep soon. Could you watch an easy film?

Hi thanks for responding. I don't really know what I was asking for anyway. I think I just wanted to type out the words. I'm probably going to waste some time on Mumsnet then try to sleep.

Hi Spud. Thanks for responding.

I'm awake.

Have you not been offered any immediate support by your employer? So sorry, it sounds tough for you

I had a tragedy happen at work once Op. All of us that were involved felt the closing eyes and seeing it all scenarios. It was also the first thing I would think about on waking for a couple of weeks. It was horrible.

We all had sessions of collective counselling which work arranged which were useful.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Are you able to speak to a counsellor etc who isn't directly involved who deals in this kind of trauma?

I have been offered lots of support to be fair. It just isn't immediate. Once we've given official account of what happened I can then discuss it. It's just been an awful week

@MarthasGinYard they do provide counselling. I tried to call today but they were busy. I missed the call back as I was crying on the shoulder of a colleague. Part of the problem is shame that this one hit me so hard. I mean, whilst rare it is part of the job and you wonder why this one gets you.

I didn’t want to read and run. I am really sorry to hear this. You and your colleagues do such an important job which I see as a vocation. Thank you for what you do.
Is there any kind of counselling support available through work? I know this doesn’t help you at night though but I’m thinking for the longer term. Don’t forget the Samaritans are there if you feel you need to talk to somebody about how you are feeling.
Could you watch some really rubbish TV, something to take your mind away from your immediate thoughts? How about listening to a meditation audio book? There are lots available on you tube or on something like Amazon Prime. I know I’m not in the same situation as you but both of these things often help take me out of my own thoughts. Sitting in silence trying to sleep often makes you feel much worse.
As you said feeling emotional, scared and like you are struggling are all very normal responses when you have been through an ordeal like this. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover from this.
I hope you can get some rest OP

Write it down, in detail. Dump it onto paper until you’re allowed to talk about it. It can’t be easy for you.

As a mind clearing technique- can I suggest ABCs - girls names, boys names, animals, fish, countries, cities, characters from things you like. Just go through the alphabets thinking of one for each Letter.

Alternatively if you need to talk about the incident to get it out of your system you could call Samaritans - they’re always available, it will be anonymous and they are good at listening.

Sorry it happened, hope you’re ok soon.

I may go and try an ABC myself. Not sure what list though.

@Sunshineonrainydays , thank you. Some great advice. I am confident that This is an acute response at the minute and I'm doing everything I can to stop it from being long term damage. Mental health is essential in this job. But right now it's just incredibly shitty.

@ArriettyJones it's a great idea which I have considered. Unfortunately it isn't that simple as any notes I write would be considered disclosable to the investigation. I cannot freely express any guilt, anger or negative emotions without assurance they wouldn't be shared with the family. I know I could just hold onto them but it would feel dishonest somehow. Plus, there is a lot of evidence that suggests repeated retelling of a memory changes it. I'm trying to keep it 'fresh' for accuracy so I don't contradict or change what happened in my mind.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I have heard of others being in a similar situation, and it must be very hard.

Can you perhaps write down what you saw and did, or perhaps how you are feeling now? It might help to externalise those images.

You could also try some mindfulness or relaxation/ meditation techniques. Try googling for some ideas, and that in itself might help take your mind off the tragedy.

@Makegoodchoices that's a good idea, thank you. I've tried meditation before but I'm not practised at it and inevitably I get images flash up of what happened instead.

If you write a factual account you could use this as part of your evidence / debriefing. There’s no need for your family to see it. You could type it in an email and send it to yourself.

Write it down OP. Get it out. It's shit that you can't confide in your friends and those who understand you. Yet.

Getting your experience onto paper or print will ease your burden OP. I wish you rest and strength in the days ahead.

I often find it difficult to focus on meditation itself when I am distressed about something.
What about any games you can get absorbed in on your phone? To try and distract yourself momentarily from the acute nature of what you are feeling. Like a word game, a quiz game or Tetris or something like that?

Or we could play a word association, or the either/ or game,. Both mindless and sure to send you to sleep!

Sorry OP for your troubles, it certainly sounds like a bad week and with everything else going on in the background at the moment this won’t have helped. Can you put some distance in there and put last week as very much in the past in your mind with tomorrow a fresh start for a new week. Also may help to write some of what you’re feeling down, as healthcare professionals we tend to get very good at recording facts but are not always so good at taking time to see how we feel. May help to write 2 accounts, 1 as a witness statement to help you if you are interviewed as a witness but a 2nd on how you felt at the time. No one gets to see the 2nd account but may help you to reflect back at a later date to process it when you are allowed to talk about it?

I'm sorry this has happened to you I simply cannot imagine what you are going through, I've no experience or advice, but can I just say I'm in awe of the job you do, you have my utmost respect. My sibling is in the emergency services and has seen some distressing things, some of which I've been told about and are very harrowing. Take care of yourself and access counselling or debriefing when you can. In the meantime please keep talking on here, there's always someone listening. Hope you manage to get some sleep

Sorry to hear that.

Have you tried writing it all down, as if it's a letter to someone you trust.
You're not going to send it or show it to anyone so you can really let go and tell her everything.

They're all great suggestions. Even chatting to mn strangers is helping. I didn't say as I was trying to avoid too much identifying info but tmw is important as I am doing my official account thus I will be writing everything down anyway.

To clarify, it wouldn't be info disclosed to my family but to the family of the person who was directly involved in the incident. I have a responsibility to give them an accurate, honest account of what happened but not to share my deepest feelings on it. The person involved is now deceased. They will be grieving greatly and the impact this had on me is mine to keep. I have to be careful to keep my account informative and detailed without all the human traits of doubt, anger, guilt and pain. They don't need that burden too.

Hope you are ok, did you have a proper trauma de brief after the incident?
It might be that you need to get signed off and get some Diazapam to help you sleep?

I was on shift when there was a large house fire that claimed the lives of several children, it's taken along time to get over it. No amount of training prepares you for a trauma involving children does it!

Keep talking, stay strong, youew doing amazing!

@fib11235 and others, yes I think writing a second emotion based account might help. It's incredible how feelings develop over time. At first it was shock and numbness. Now there's a lot of questioning mine and others actions. What if we did this or tried that. But right now, this late at night, I just see the final moments.

If we hurt ourselves physically, we get instructions on how to care for I'm the injury. I don't know how to care for my mental injury to prevent 'serious infection'. Why don't they tell us that?