Is anyone awake?

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

I work in the emergency services and recently experiencing an incredibly distressing tragedy. It happened right in front of me and I was trying desperately to stop it from happening. As a result I am in the official process of investigation. This doesn't mean I am in trouble, on the contrary I am a Witness to said event which should help provide answers to the family about the circumstances and what happened. Unfortunately to keep this process transparent, we are not allowed to discuss it with each other (me and colleagues that were there) until we have all given an official account.

This means I have not been able to process what happened in a normal way. I cannot discuss the details with colleagues. I cannot help myself to process the trauma. It happened just under a week ago and I have been coping ok (was given time off work following incident). But I am struggling to sleep. When I close my eyes I get flashbacks. I see it happening again and I think I'm scared to sleep. I was sent home from work as I was crying a lot.

I normally have some pretty good coping mechanisms and I understand these are all normal responses. I need time and support to effectively process what happened. But in the meantime, I'm awake with a very important day tomorrow and no idea how to get to sleep tonight.

@dalmatianmad that sounds horrific. There are some jobs that never bloody leave us. I've had maybe 2 or 3 before in 7 years. But this one is proving extra shitty.

@dalmatianmad and to answer your question, no we did not have any debrief due to the investigation. It isn't allowed yet and I think that's why I'm struggling. I will get that opportunity but I have to wait post accounts.

Blimey, have you not been able to discuss this with anyone that you work with?
You've gotta look after yourself OP, deep down management dont care, were all just a number in a big organisation

Hi OP. I'm sorry you went through this. You've posted that talking is helping since I first typed this, so it might not be useful, but -

When I can't sleep I usually end up playing something from Desert Island Discs on the BBC Sounds app, on a low volume. It's gentle, needs nothing in return, and blocks out other thoughts - I'm always asleep within ten minutes. I feel trite suggesting it but it might help.

I hope tomorrow isn't too difficult.

Gotta go, I'm on a night shift and got another shout. Look after yourself xxx

Hi. I can't sleep due to a comparatively minor work stress.
I do think writing a second emotional dump might help you. My understanding of ptsd is that it happens when you are 'stuck' in the moment of a trauma and it sounds like the procedure here is setting you up for that. You do need to talk it through or at least write down how it happened, how you felt and how you feel about your response.

Do you have a wellbeing hub at work that is confidential that you can process your feelings/coping strategy, I work for an Ambulance Trust and this was set up to deal with these type of situations. I am so sorry you went through this

Moral Injury is a huge research field, OP.
*I only heard of it, enough to know it's a well-recognised occupational hazard for health care workers.

@swims, thanks I may try it if I can't sleep

@dalmatianmad, I feel your pain. Enjoy the night shift, it always brings the best or strangest jobs! In this case I can't fault management too much. Just gotta ride this particularly shit wave. Should be able to properly debrief with colleagues after statements which will massively help.

Thanks all for sitting with me for a bit. I am gonna try and sleep now but I'm eternally grateful for a quick hand hold.

@lljkk thanks for the link, I will have a proper read of the paper soon. I don't work in healthcare but the brief look I just took suggests a lot of the same feelings apply.

@Jenasaurus yes we have a wellbeing service which I will utilise if I don't improve over the next days and weeks. I think the reality is that I am going through a normal process and I'm just trying to ensure I recover well and give myself the best chance to do so.

Seems like moral injury phrase was originally coined for soldiers, so works across emergency response workers too.

I feel like this helps to structure what the issues can be.

@PastMyBestBeforeDate , I try never to underestimate anyone else's stress. We can not compare situations and say mine is worse because I do not know the path you have walked. I hope you find sleep soon though and get your work thing sorted. Small stresses can build one on top of the next easily so be kind to yourself too.

I’m awake. I’m sorry, it’s awful for you.
I second the person who said play Tetris. There was a study on ptsd that recommended this. It uses a different part of your brain, thus letting you process behind the scenes, as it were.
I think it was in the New Scientist if you wanted to google.
I like the alphabet game too. It has a meditative effect and is easy to try.

Have you heard of or tried EFT? It's a great technique for trauma.
www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/clear-trauma-with-tapping/

If it's too late to try a completely new technique, this is a super-quick loosely EFT based tapping for trauma which will only take a few minutes.

Give it a try and see if it helps. and an unmumsnetty hug.
www.selfhelpfortrauma.org/

Hi I'm awake with a vomiting dog. It's very surreal. Every time I think he's done - he's not.

I have wine on the go and am watching modern family.

Anyway - I had a very difficult end of life patient a few weeks ago. Very distressing. Bereaved family upset with me (ahp) and very upset patient.

Anyway I did some self talk CBT type stuff which helped a bit.

I am here for a bit longer

I had a similar situation. The only thing that worked on my brain was to watch a movie I loved over and over. In my case it was 2005 Pride & Prejudice. Endlessly watching it on a loop did something to my mind that helped me calm and process what happened. This happened over weeks though. Eventually I was able to change the images of the event to the images in the film and then the images faded. I have not idea how this works. I came to this behaviour intuitively. It might help you. I think it was the slow pace, the quiet music and the steady pace of the film and the muted colours that helped.

Sorry, just realised I mentioned the pace of the film twice.

I will add that to take more care of yourself than usual. This sort of thing lays you open to other vulnerabilities.

Morning all. Thanks for joining me last night. It actually really helped to just take my mind off things. I managed to get to sleep without flashbacks or images and slept ok. Lots of good advice on here and definitely will be using some of the methods mentioned.

I saw the research paper on Tetris yesterday when I was searching the internet for trauma treatment. Really interesting stuff. I wonder why they don't adopt these kind of things for straight after the incident. I sat around a long time waiting for instructions. It would have been really useful to have something to do while I waited and considering it has a genuinely positive effect of the mind and processing it's a win win situation.

Sorry to everyone else that has struggled with traumatic events. to all

Glad you got some restorative sleep - hope today goes ok for you, and that being able to talk about what happened helps with the upset of processing everything but having to internalise it.

Just looking in. Glad you slept.

Hi all thanks for looking in. Today was actually pretty cathartic. Glad it's mostly over. Few bits to finish off then we can have a full debrief amongst the other colleagues present which I think will be massively helpful too.

I'm really grateful to you all for talking to me in the wee small hours when things always look worse!

That's a huge move forwards Op

All the best and hope you sleep better tonight

Glad you feel like you moved forward today :) You had kind words about work stresses last night. I disagree that my political work stresses were as valid as yours :) but I want you to know that when it got shitty today I did think that your experience put mine in context. It did help me and I guess you appreciate knowing you have helped people.

@PastMyBestBeforeDate in a strange kind of way I'm able to use the experience in my own life too. I can look at what happened and compare to my own smaller problems and put things in perspective. I hope you're able to move through the bad work thing. Glad I gave you even a little help today. I know the support I got from you all last night was really helpful. Even if it was just strangers words in the wee hours. It's humankind finding time for another that reaches out and that's pretty special.