Mother dislikes that I got a job. (I am almost 40 and married.)

[StormyInTheNorth]

NC, but you'll recognise the theme of usernames and general woe.

Before lockdown I got a job caring for an adult with additional needs, for two hours a week. Setting was in his home and his parents would be there initially, but out of the room. Respite if you will.

I haven't worked for five years and now DD is at school (or was) I wanted to retrain in social work, but thought experience would help my masters application. I have informal experience of the adult's condition. Easy. Ideal.

My mother went mad when I told her, said my priority was to DD. It was beneath me.

Anyway, lockdown came, the adult was shielding, still is. They called me to say let us know when DD in school and we'll start. All through a company. Good hourly rate.

I told my mother last night and she went bananas again. In short her 'reasons"

1. You having my carpets done in sept. (Err)
2. What about DD. (At school. DH wf holidays cos it is only a few hours.)
3. You can't do that. (Why?)
4. You won't like it. (Why?)
5. I won't feel comfortable having you or DD near us due to CV. (This woman has been behaving as normal throughout lockdown, refusing to wear a mask.)
6. 'I don't like sp**tics'. She said.

I asked her whether she had equiv wage to give me since she felt so strongly and I wanted to earn a bit of pocket money. Of course she said no. I didn't even get to explain connection between experience and masters degree.

She also has a history of putting me down. When I got pregnant with DD she cried and said that I should abort because DD would have a birth defect like me. She is embarrassed of me and obviously now my little job. I ask why and she can't answer. I rather think it is my birth defect. She has turned several family members against me.

I hung up on her after her silly comment about not feeling comfortable. Should I just cut her off? Or should I try yet again to talk to her and explain?

Sorry. Long.

Why does her irritational opinion on this matter to you?

• irrational

She sounds like a really awful woman.

I don't understand why you would maintain any form of relationship with someone who is interfering and disablist.

I mean, I'm very fond of my mother, but she's a worrier, and I've just never told her about any major decisions to do with employment or moving countries or buying property until they're done and dusted.

Because in a way, she's my mother and I want her to love me and feel proud of me for once in my life.

She sounds extremely toxic and just horrible OP. I would go NC if I were you.

If it was me some of those comments from her are so far over the line it would need to be cut off. My dm used to be like this. I developed a good career 20 odd years ago working with addiction and prisons. Dm tried many of the above excuses. I cut her off and even now where I am Low contact she is not allowed to say a single word negatively about my career.

You are setting your dd a great example an fits right for you. Honestly for me one warning shot " your comments are ignorant and unacceptable this isn't your decision to make or comment on. Do not comment again " then any further comments I would be walking away.

There will I suspect be people who claim she is just "worrrrriiieeeed " , no shes not. Shes controlling.

Well, that's a very human desire, OP, but I think you're on a road to nowhere with this one. You'd like a supportive mother who didn't chuck around disablist slurs and undermine you, but you don't have one.

And it sounds to me as if your (understandable) desire to turn her into a different type of mother has made you unhealthily emotionally dependent on her. Just stop telling her things. You'll never get the response you want.

I will. I have tried NC before, she is, predictably stubborn and sent one text saying she's tell DD when she is 18 what I am 'really like'. I haven't done anything wrong apart from try my best and call out her bullshit. She used to hit me, until the day when I was 15, that I hit her back. Wrong, and I feel guilt, but I was so desperate for her to stop.

You are an independant woman.
She is a nasty bigot. Even to her own daughter.
Her foul opinion is not worth the consideration or upset.
You are so much better than her

You sound lovely, very caring and empathetic. I’d be very proud of you if you were my daughter.

Your mother, on the other hand will never think these qualities of you, you will never do enough for her. Your wasting your time trying to convince yourself otherwise.

God Almighty, OP, get some counselling. You are not obliged to keep this unpleasant woman sweet because you're related and she's making threats involving your daughter.

And good luck with the job and retraining.

My mother has plenty of opinions on how I run my life but during eight weeks of counselling (during which she was one of the main themes) my therapist said, "Why are you still looking for her approval as an adult?" And it was a moment on clarity.

I now switch off when she starts on the subject. I go to a place far away in my head. It's great, you should come with me.

So you want her to behave in a way she has never behaved before? Can you see that that is not going to happen? It isn't a matter of finding the right words or doing the right things, your mother is the way she is and will respond the way she always does. The only thing you can do about this is change your own behaviours and responses. There is no point trying to explain it in a different way. The words that will make her be positive and supportive do not exist. This is who she is. I would refuse to talk about it with her again.

Can’t you just go NC with her? To put it politely your mums a twat.

Well done on your job, and the relevant experience will help you get onto a masters course. Your mum’s comments sound unpleasant and it sounds like she isn’t going to change. The only thing I will add, is social work is stressful and draining and you have to be resilient to survive both the training and the subsequent working life.

Cut her off.
Or go LC and stop telling her stuff/anything at all.
Focus on your own life and family.
Keep doing what you're doing - it all sounds great apart from your mum.
I too have a mum who doesnt provide anything positive emotionally.
I've learned to stop hoping/wanting and shut off that bit. But I know it's hard and it hurts.

@StormyInTheNorth

Because in a way, she's my mother and I want her to love me and feel proud of me for once in my life.

That'll never happen sadly.

She sounds insane. I would stop trying to “explain”.. in fact stop telling her anything

So what if she has a rant at your daughter when she's 18. Your daughter will judge you by the love and support you gave her, not the bizzarre, toxic ramblings of a grandparent.
Your mother won't understand that because she's not felt that kind of love and care in a parent/ child experience.

I had a phase with my mother in my 20s where I could not do anything right. It was an unconventional relationship anyway, but I was pushed to the point of putting her opinions back on her with phrases like "that's your choice" and putting the phone down when she got ranty. She has learned to behave better around me because there's no point in piling on the emotional waste. Some won't learn and they are better to be kept at a safe distance anyway.

You are very dependent on your mother's approval and I think that is the problem here.
She sounds bonkers and her opinions need not affect you at all

Why do you feel you need to run your decisions by her and justify yourself?

It'll hurt me and DD intially, and my dad who worships DD. However, I know within myself and from the responses it will be better in the long run. DH says just try the job. If it turns out OK keep it and if not try something else. I can't sit her for the rest of my life. We are lucky enough to get by on one salary, but we could do so much more with extra money whether I took this experience to a masters or whether I kept increasing hours now DD is at school.

In an ideal world I'd do LC, yet she worms her way back in and like PP said, it has made for dependancy.

'Because in a way, she's my mother and I want her to love me and feel proud of me for once in my life.'

That's totally understandable OP, and totally natural. However, it may be worth having a serious think about whether you can actually get what you need from your mother. It sounds like she treats you with no respect, still feels she can control you as if you're a child, and has a history of putting you down. What would you say to a friend who was being treated like this by her mother?

Mothers like yours (and mine) are so overbearing that it can be really difficult to separate yourself from them and see yourself as your own person. I cant recommend counselling or psychotherapy enough. With the right therapist, you would have support to start putting yourself at the centre of your own life, and thinking about your own needs

OP you successfully going NC with her doesn't depend in her reactions, stubborn or not. Set your boundaries then learn to keep them strong - which isn't easy I know but gets easier. I would recommend some counselling and in the mean time head over to the Stately Homes thread on here.

Congratulations on your job and well done! Be proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. You are working towards bettering yourself. Unfortunately, some people dont like to see people do well for themselves. It's just a pity that this person is your mother. You will do great!! Do whats right for you, no justification required.