Mother dislikes that I got a job. (I am almost 40 and married.)

[StormyInTheNorth]

NC, but you'll recognise the theme of usernames and general woe.

Before lockdown I got a job caring for an adult with additional needs, for two hours a week. Setting was in his home and his parents would be there initially, but out of the room. Respite if you will.

I haven't worked for five years and now DD is at school (or was) I wanted to retrain in social work, but thought experience would help my masters application. I have informal experience of the adult's condition. Easy. Ideal.

My mother went mad when I told her, said my priority was to DD. It was beneath me.

Anyway, lockdown came, the adult was shielding, still is. They called me to say let us know when DD in school and we'll start. All through a company. Good hourly rate.

I told my mother last night and she went bananas again. In short her 'reasons"

1. You having my carpets done in sept. (Err)
2. What about DD. (At school. DH wf holidays cos it is only a few hours.)
3. You can't do that. (Why?)
4. You won't like it. (Why?)
5. I won't feel comfortable having you or DD near us due to CV. (This woman has been behaving as normal throughout lockdown, refusing to wear a mask.)
6. 'I don't like sp**tics'. She said.

I asked her whether she had equiv wage to give me since she felt so strongly and I wanted to earn a bit of pocket money. Of course she said no. I didn't even get to explain connection between experience and masters degree.

She also has a history of putting me down. When I got pregnant with DD she cried and said that I should abort because DD would have a birth defect like me. She is embarrassed of me and obviously now my little job. I ask why and she can't answer. I rather think it is my birth defect. She has turned several family members against me.

I hung up on her after her silly comment about not feeling comfortable. Should I just cut her off? Or should I try yet again to talk to her and explain?

Sorry. Long.

It'll hurt me and DD intially

Well, it sounds to me as if it would only hurt you because you're emotionally dependent on her, despite the fact that the relationship doesn't bring you any happiness, so the 'hurt' might well be equivalent to the pain of giving up cigarettes, or gluten if you develop an intolerance.

Your last post is alarming ime n that when you say that your DH says to try the job, it sounds as if you were actually thinking of declining it because your mother disapproved???? I mean, you're forty and a parent, and had a career up until very recently. Why on earth would you let the unpleasant prejudices of a relative dictate your (absolutely laudable) career path to retraining? In the nicest possible way, that's quite mad, OP.

Or should I try yet again to talk to her and explain?

I know you desperately want to think that she just doesn’t understand how much she is hurting you and if you just found the magic words to explain it clearly she would understand and would change. The truth is, she does understand how much she hurts you. She just doesn’t care.

And that doesn’t mean anything about you. You are kind and thoughtful and worthy of love. Look how forgiving, and understanding and kind you have been. You have tried and tried to make it work. That means you are worthy of love. The deficiency is all hers.

Cuddle your daughter and imagine saying any one of the things she has said to you to her. You wouldn’t say it would you? Because you love her and want the best for her.

I wouldn’t worry about the spiteful email when your daughter is 18. She will have had 18 years of love from you. That can’t be undone by one email. Its just an empty threat.

If you’re not ready to cut off, use the “not comfortable” comment to maintain very low contact.

Awful. Stop seeking her approval. As someone who is "a spastic" - - ugh! Take the job if you want. Hope it works out for you. Definitely reassess contact with your mother though.

For the record I think NC is better than LC. I see you’ve tried LC before. A clean break (and counselling) would be better to help get you out from under her grasp and seeking her approval.

Honestly I would take your mother's dislike of your plans as a sign you are moving in the right direction, her opinions are terrible. This job sounds ideal for you and as your dh said if it doesn't turn out to suit you can always leave and try something else.

I suppose I just want to make her happy, like in a DV situation where the victim will try things to make the abuser stop. So written down, it is mad.

It will be better if I get counselling to help me detach from her. And thank you for saying I am kind. It means a lot when I am told, quite a lot that I am nasty because I try to point out a different viewpoint to my mother. Like Sunday, "I hope DD is never nasty to you like you are to me." I asked her to not keep bringing up going away on holiday together because 1. I don't want to and 2. DH and I would prefer to go together with DD and DH is not invited on this albeit free (holiday home) holiday. She also does not like DH. But you guessed that.

I'm really sorry for you OP. I think you have to try and make peace with the fact that the mum you want and deserve, is not the mum you have. You can keep trying, but she will only ever let you down.

I have my own problems with my own mum although not as severe as yours by the sounds of it. I have gradually come to accept that she will never be able to give me the type of love and support that I want from her. It's hard, but I am at the stage now where I don't go to her with emotional things because it just makes the situation ten times worse. She can't empathise, she doesn't have the capacity to express her own feelings without anger. So I just don't include her in those parts of my life and I am not disappointed.

Have you ever had it out with your mum about how she makes you feel? I did once, and I think that was the turning point for me. It didn't change anything from her perspective, but it made me feel better letting it out.

I suppose I just want to make her happy, like in a DV situation where the victim will try things to make the abuser stop. So written down, it is mad

No, it's good that you recognise this! As well as awful that you are needing to garner reassurance from strangers on the internet that you're not some kind of cackling villainous daughter!

Do get some counselling. And I agree with a pp that your mother disapproving of your plans is a sign they're good ones, aimed at restablishing your economic and psychological independence. Good luck with it all.

If you won’t go NC for yourself, do it for your DD. She will drop poison about you in your daughters ear and try to cause a rift between you. She’ll undermine you and try to get DD to love her best because it is all about control. She’s already said she would use you DD to hurt you. (The email at 28 thing). You need to protect your DD from her influence.

I’d be surprised if she hasn’t already started.

I have a similar situation with my DM too! My DM really does not like the fact that I have a very good job). Her ideal for me would be to work part time in a bakery or pharmacy! I actually work in FinTech. I just don't speak about my job or tell her about it. I ignore any comments, my DP is supportive of me and I enjoy my job - that is what counts. Ignore her and continue - you can't stay indoors for ever, it's good to have a job, earn some money and do something outside the home for your own sanity.

yet she worms her way back in and like PP said, it has made for dependancy

Get counselling to help you resist this. It's hard to do alone with this kind of history. But you've given her enough chances to be a loving mum. Walk away now.

You mentioned your dad - is he in the background not doing all this awful stuff but not stopping it or disagreeing with it either?

"I hope DD is never nasty to you like you are to me."

Do you realise that when your DD grows up and starts having opinions that are contrary to hers, she will treat her like she treats you? Do you want your DD to be stuck in the same dynamic with this unpleasant woman?

My dad doesn't say a lot to the point don't know whether he is the organ grinder or whether she is just bonkers. She has more or less cut him off from a close relationship with his family too, whether he is alright about that, I'm not sure.

@StormyInTheNorth I am so sorry. As others have said, it is completely understandable that you want your mother to show pride and love towards you, but she never will.

Not because what you are doing isnt worthy (it 100% is - you sound like a great mum and your new job is so worthwhile).

Not because she doesnt understand (she does understand, so explaining more wouldn't help).

But because she is abusive (emotional and physical when you were younger and physically weaker).

It would be really beneficial for you to seek therapy, which could hopefully help you put the steps in place to change your relationship with your mum. Please know, that this wont be 'she becomes loving and supportive'. She isnt capable. It will probably be 'I learn to maintain iron boundaries or no longer speak to her' - the emotional equivalent of you hitting her back at 15. This showed you would physically stand up for yourself. You need support to emotionally do the same.

Side notes - she likely doesnt like your husband because 1) it loosens her grip over you when theres others you can emotionally depend on and 2) I would hope he says 'god, your mum is a piece of work'and encourages you to stand up to her. Also, your dad may not be abusive but he has sat by whilst his wife emotionally and physically abused his daughter her whole life. He enables her behaviours.

I know all of this is hard to hear, but you need to know this is not your fault. You didnt make her this way, and unfortunately you can only change your responses, you cant change her

I really sympathise with you OP - it’s very hard having a controlling mother and it doesn’t get easier as you get older.

Just crack on with what you want to do, but don’t feel obliged to tell her anything. You do not need her approval.

You sound lovely, you’ll get so much out of this job and you’re going to be an amazing Social Worker.

You've nearly broken my heart OP. You sound like such a loving, kind and caring person - and I'm sorry to say it but your mother sounds horrendous!
Do what you want, don't listen to a word she says - but ultimately I think counselling will be needed to be able to do this.
Good luck with the job and with your masters. for you.

@StormyInTheNorth

NC, but you'll recognise the theme of usernames and general woe.

Before lockdown I got a job caring for an adult with additional needs, for two hours a week. Setting was in his home and his parents would be there initially, but out of the room. Respite if you will.

I haven't worked for five years and now DD is at school (or was) I wanted to retrain in social work, but thought experience would help my masters application. I have informal experience of the adult's condition. Easy. Ideal.

My mother went mad when I told her, said my priority was to DD. It was beneath me.

Anyway, lockdown came, the adult was shielding, still is. They called me to say let us know when DD in school and we'll start. All through a company. Good hourly rate.

I told my mother last night and she went bananas again. In short her 'reasons"

1. You having my carpets done in sept. (Err)
2. What about DD. (At school. DH wf holidays cos it is only a few hours.)
3. You can't do that. (Why?)
4. You won't like it. (Why?)
5. I won't feel comfortable having you or DD near us due to CV. (This woman has been behaving as normal throughout lockdown, refusing to wear a mask.)
6. 'I don't like sp**tics'. She said.

I asked her whether she had equiv wage to give me since she felt so strongly and I wanted to earn a bit of pocket money. Of course she said no. I didn't even get to explain connection between experience and masters degree.

She also has a history of putting me down. When I got pregnant with DD she cried and said that I should abort because DD would have a birth defect like me. She is embarrassed of me and obviously now my little job. I ask why and she can't answer. I rather think it is my birth defect. She has turned several family members against me.

I hung up on her after her silly comment about not feeling comfortable. Should I just cut her off? Or should I try yet again to talk to her and explain?

Sorry. Long.

Id have put the phone down at no6.

God Almighty, OP, get some counselling. You are not obliged to keep this unpleasant woman sweet because you're related and she's making threats involving your daughter.

^^ This.

Congrats on the new job.

She sounds totally toxic. Nothing you say will change her. You can only change your own reactions. It may be hard, but to survive and thrive, you need to not be affectred by her. That will probably mean having nothing to do with her. Why would you run past her your job decisions, etc.? You do not need her approval.

You sound fantastic, and you can build your own confidence and feel that sense of approval from within yourself, and hopefully you have a supportive DH to give you good feedback. You could almost certainly do with conselling for a while to help you loosen your feelings of depndence on her goodwill.

Thanks everyone. She has just called me and I have ignored it. I am going to do LC leading to NC when I arrange some counselling. I don't want to speak to her and have her cause an argument.

DH thinks she's mad. He has told her a few times, and that makes her bleat for months about how horrible he is. Like the weekend before lockdown came, she visited to 'sit in the garden.' She ended up in our kichen touching everything, according to her he was nasty because he told her to please stay in the garden.

My DM really does not like the fact that I have a very good job). Her ideal for me would be to work part time in a bakery or pharmacy!

Mine is the same. She hated that I went to university and tried desperately to persuade me it wasn't 'for the likes of us' and that I would risk 'getting above myself'. Ideally, I would have a 'little part-time shop job' down the road and a 'nice house' in a suburb she considers aspirational. Instead, I'm an academic with a crumbling Victorian pile in a part of the city she considers both 'above us' and also 'not quite respectable'.

Take the job and be proud. You'll be doing extremely valuable and rewarding work that makes a massive difference to people's lives. And if it leads to new training career, even better! It's obvious that you've got so much to offer - don't let her toxic insecurity undermine you.

And yes, I do realize that's it easy for me to say this and hard for you to switch off that normal need for parental approval. But I hope you thrive in this job, for the sake of you, your daughter and husband, your client, and even your mother, who can't be happy under all this spite.

@StormyInTheNorth

Because in a way, she's my mother and I want her to love me and feel proud of me for once in my life.

It'll never happen OP. Learn to make peace with this and move on with what you want for your own life.

Good on you for getting a job after some time off, it to any easy, and the value of what you are doing to the family will be huge regardless of what you are paid. Be proud of yourself OP.

2 hrs a week? That seems very manageable. Just ignore all the crazy reasons why she thinks you shouldn't. Tbh I wouldn't tell her anything else - need to know basis from now on!?